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Newest Member: LionessRoar (44598)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He won't confess
fay72
♀ New Member
Member # 42496
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so confused.I don't feel strong at all.I just feel so weak and stupid and naive.

We are not married.I am financially dependent on him although i do have a small regular income.

When I said he works with OWm I should have said she works for him.He is her boss.And OWp was on a work experience at his company


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Follow StillLiving's advice. You need to protect yourself and your two teenaged daughters. There is no time to lose~your partner has decided to move forward and has taken action to do so.

Retain legal counsel. Your partner has already started the process. You need to be moving quickly.

Information is power. Start gathering all financial information regarding your assets(house purchase documentation, mortgage statements, bank account statements (savings and chequing), retirement savings, income tax returns, vehicle purchase statements). If you own any investments such as income property or a business, get the financial statements. Documentation has a funny way of disappearing and you will need this information to establish the basis for child support and perhaps spousal support and an equitable division of assets.

Also gather all information relating to liabilities and debts such as credit cards, lines of credit and vehicle purchase. Your partner has already emptied the joint account, you do not want him incurring debt that you may later be responsible for. He is already using martial funds to provide for his OW (hotels, clothing, jewellry, restaurants), this stops today. Ask your lawyer to run a credit check on your partner. If he has applied for a secret credit card, it will show up. It is also possible to do this yourself online. Equifax does a good credit history check.

If you do not have your own bank account, open one today. You need a place to put your money and any other assets that you may have. Apply for your own credit card for emergencies.

With all due respect, I would suggest not engaging in your tricks against your husband. Do not file a false report of credit card theft, or lie to the credit card company. These tactics have a way of backfiring. You do not want to give your partner any ammunition to use against you, Talk to your lawyer.

Sending your strength, dignity and grace. Take care of yourself and your daughters.



BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 356 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much was supposed to be in the account? When did he empty the account? If you're on it, you should be able to see the history of the account.

Right now, you need to freeze anything with your name on it - credit card accounts, etc. Stop him from using ANYTHING with your name on it. If you know the name of the hotel he and 'princess' like to stay at, call them and cancel any upcoming reservations under his name. Do NOT pay for one more thing for him.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A 'work experience'? Is that the same as an internship?

Tell him if he doesn't return the money in the account, you will have no problem letting the 'right' people know of him abusing his position of authority and enticing young women to sleep with him.

His is in a very dangerous spot. Being their supervisor he's set himself up nicely to be sued, and to lose every ounce of professional credibility he's ever had. He's basically handed that to each of these girls. He's given them the tools to destroy his life, as well as your life and the lives of your children.

If I were you, I'd start looking at what you can legally force him to pay for you, and for how long.

Regarding changing insurance, if you aren't married, odds are he can change the beneficiary without informing you, or requiring your consent. I'm sorry - but legally your 22 years isn't going to add up to much, not in most countries anyway. The children are where you'll be able to affect him and the income you now depend upon.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are not married.I am financially dependent on him although i do have a small regular income.

Oh boy I'm sure this changes the game immensely here. A confession is the least of your worries right now believe me. At this point it isn't going to make any difference. I didn't realize you weren't legally married. Given that marriage is a LEGALLY binding agreement, I don't know how that would play out with the law other than he will have to support the children. I guess I never understood why people place themselves in these types of long term relationships, have children, homes, finances but refuse to get legally married. All you are going on all this time is his word with nothing to back you up in the eyes of the law. But that's hindsight now. I've never been through this so a dissolution of marriage is obviously not a factor here.

I would still follow through with my first advice to end the A. And add to that conversation you want to know where funds went and demand they are placed back in there immediately. If he cannot you need to consult some legal advice with regards to your children. They come first here. Seems to me you knew about these affairs for a while now? The shock should be wearing to the point where you should be able to level yourself. You need to begin to find a way to become nonindependent on him financially. And not tomorrow, next week or next month...NOW. Read my tagline. We've ll been through it and it can be done.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize you weren't married either.
There are some things, i.e. cancel a credit card, that you can do legally as a wife that you cannot as a live in girlfriend.
fay72, you do NOT have time to break down. You have children depending on you to be strong.
Still go see a lawyer. Take your name off of every card you are an authorized user on. Cancel any cards that you cannot take your name off of.
Honey, we were all weak, stupid, and na´ve. It's called being blindsided and betrayed by someone you NEVER would have done this too.
You can have as many breakdowns as you want once you get your ducks in a row. Honest, we will be here to give you moral support then. Right now, PLEASE take our advice (that applies).
Take any and all money out of any other accounts he hasn't touched that has your name on it and put it in an account with only your name on it. Get a PO box and have your mail forwarded there for a while. Go through your papers and grab ANY important documents, make copies, leave the copies only in the house and take all originals to a safe place where he can't get to them.
As you are not M, you are not protected by life insurance. However, you can petition for him to get separate life insurance where your daughters are the beneficiaries.
Still see that L for legal advice on what you DO have a right to as a live in girlfriend.
Start disengaging YESTERDAY!!!!!
You don't tell him ANYTHING that doesn't apply to the children. Since you aren't M I wouldn't even tell him about finances and bills unless it is to get money from him. If you have mutual investments, see what you can do to liquidate them or transfer them into a Roth IRA or something with ONLY your name on it. If there is life insurance, see if you can borrow on it.
He is NOT your friend right now. That man is gone. He left a long time ago, but he wore a mask. You must treat him as if aliens have abducted your boyfriend/partner.
When all of this is done, THEN you can break down. Protect yourself and your children first.
Hugs, prayers, and strength!!!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AND HEFTY BAG HIS SHIT!!!! Put at the edge of the front lawn. Do NOT let him see YOU weak. You can cry and breakdown inside your home.
Change the locks and alarm code!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
MailServer
♀ Member
Member # 40502
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing to add to StillLivin's advice. Please check your OWN credit report. Make sure he hasn't opened anything in your name and running up large balances.

Keep updating. Am concerned for you. You have a wealth of help here.


BS/Me (58)
WH (58) 3 years behind my back. EA & PA
OW (57) Old high school friend
1 Adult Child
DDay: August 26 2012
5 Ddays since then.
The 5th was a total Nuclear Meltdown
Reconciling. Sort of. It's not him. It's me.

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: East of the Grape Vine
fay72
♀ New Member
Member # 42496
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so I'm up to my neck in it.I feel so distressed and I'm panicking now.I've had my doubts for two months.For two months I've not slept not eaten and cried everyday.I am starting to get to a more level headed stage but I feel so fragile.This sounds so pathectic but I really do love him and want a future with him.In one of our many. conversations he promised he would never leave me and I believe him.Please don't judge me for being so weak

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey. I don't judge you. I get it. You love him.

but, it is still over. The future is gone. He will never change. He just won't.

He will not take care of you.

So, YOU have to take care of you. If someone did this to your friend, or sister, or daughter, what would you say? Try to step back and be objective.

You have to protect yourself. You have to take him out of your life.

I don't know any of the rules of common law marriage, but it might protect you depending on how long you've been together. A lawyer can tell you.

We know you are hurting. But HE is hurting you and you are still clinging to him. You know that saying, insanity is doing the same things and expecting a new result? That's where you are right now. You have to get strong.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4042 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

conversations he promised he would never leave me and I believe him.

And did he promise to always take care of you? How is taking all the money out of the account take care of you?
I know you want to believe him, but better to be safe than sorry down the road. Your children are depending on you.
Mine promised to never leave me. He even M me under a covenant M so I would believe he would never leave me. We talked for YEARS about how we both could never be with someone else after being M for so long. Then he entered a 3 year LTA. He started emotionally abusing me.
I'm betting the other 40,000+ members here had spouses that told them they would never leave them either. See where this is going. None of us thought we had the strength. None of us believed the person we thought we knew better than anybody else in the world would stab us repeatedly in the back. I would have hit someone in the face if they had tried to tell me my H was going to cheat on me and disrespect me.
You are stronger than you know. Hell it took strength just to find SI.
fay72, your story is NOT unique. Please, peruse the other forums, especially the rest of JFO and S/D. When you see how everyone's story mimics each other, you will see what we see. We all see your boyfriend's behavior and know what he is doing. Stick around this site long enough. You will too.
Read the healing library. Ask the veteran's, Nature_Girl, inconnu, SBB, hell anybody here with a member number smaller than my own.
This sounds so pathectic but I really do love him and want a future with him

I really still do love my cheatinass STBXH, but I'll fuck him over in a heart beat if he tried this crap on me. Hell, I am becoming the queen of NC because he stepped past my line in the sand and now it is just too late. NOT a day goes by that I didn't wish he had done the work on himself and fixed his shit. But I can wish all day long and a nickel...guess where that will get me.
He is going to screw you over if you don't act. You can always R if HE does the work to fix himself. Right now, looks to the rest of us that he is cutting his losses and running.
I and others loved our WSs all the way to the L offices and we loved them when we signed on the dotted lines. I STILL love mine, but I'm not letting anyone do the shit he did to me and just lay down and take it. I am nobody's floor mat.
Repeat that mantra. Stand in front of a mirror and say the magic words about 10X, then wash, rinse, and repeat...
"I am nobody's floor mat!!!"
Then get MOVING and ACTING. You will regret not getting your ducks in a row.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
StillPositive
♂ New Member
Member # 42321
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fay72....
I'm so sorry you have to be here... But you can't be weak right now. You have to do you! He doesn't care for or respect you. He wants to control you.
Take control of your life back. We all know it's not easy. Hell, it took me almost 10 months to let it go and do me!!!! But, you don't have to wait that long.
Do a complete 180, like these posts have shown you how to do. He will not see it coming. Just do it! Then you can cry later when you have time.
The fact that you are here shows you have strength. It took some strength to tell your story. Keep getting stronger one day at a time.


Me 41: BS
Her 29: WS
4 children between us
Together 6 yrs: Married 19 months
EA/PA 15 months
OP 51: married with 4 children, close in age to my wife.
D Day#1 3/13/13
D Day#2 9/28/13
NC Letter 2/17/14

Hardship is a pathway to peace...


Posts: 33 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: West Coast
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fay72,

No judging you for being weak from me. I was the same. It took me months after dday to understand why I felt like I still loved FWW after her betrayal and lies. It was not her I loved, but what I had lost.


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4107 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
fay72
♀ New Member
Member # 42496
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok so I have given him the ultimatum.I decided to follow sean fla's advice.I've told him to get out.Tried to be very cool and detached about it.
He's sending me messages.I've told him that as long as he's seeing other women I will have no furthur contact with him.
I've told him i will expose him to everyone ,kids,family work colleagues.I will also tell the OW about the OW.
I feel like I'm having a breakdown but at least I didn't cry in front of him.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fay, you are alot stronger than you think!

Kudos to you for not tolerating his sh*t!

You have taken the first step, please make an appt. with an attorney asap!

Detach, detach, detach. DO NOT respond to his messages! It will be difficult, but you need to show him you are taking control.

((((fay72)))


Posts: 7447 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FAY:

DO NOT WARN HIM ABOUT THE EXPOSURES, JUST DO IT. Warning him will just give him time to damage control.

JUST EXPOSE NOW!!!!!!!!! DON'T WAIT ANY LONGER


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay Fay! You go girl!
When reading your post yesterday I was thinking of telling you to tell both OW about each other. Just blow his fantasy world right out of the water.
Yes, detach detach detach.
It's all about you now and your girls. You will be your own champion and your own protector. Dig deep. It's there.
Have you seen a lawyer?
Hugs to you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
seriouslylostit
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you ask him where the money went??? What are you doing regarding the financial situation?

Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fay, so glad you found your backbone! Keep ramming it back in if it falls out. And yes figure out the joint account money situation any way you can!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4042 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Shutup  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this marriage is over--find out about the bank account first,without a fight ask him calmy what happened to the $$--then without him knowing go consult a lawyer---it sounds like he has been planning a move--this man does not have to confess ,everything he is doing ,he is doing with your blessings---he does not care about you---men do not have female friends they go out with---they go out with their wives--he is so disrespectful to you and you allow him to do it----that is why he is doing these things because you allow him to walk all over you----you need to be careful,stop the fights or arguments you already know the story----plan your moves---hire a private detective---use his credit card---tell him anything to get the money---go to the bank and find out what happened-----PLAN YOUR EXIT VERY CAREFULLY <YOUR HUSBAND IS VERY DEVIOUS

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Topic Posts: 42
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