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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Thoughts and comments 30 days later...
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RawDeal

I understand where you are coming from.

Your wife and your relationship is no longer "special" because of her affair.

You feel she is "tainted". Because she has been with someone else now.

Are you still in IC? I think a good therapist can help you sort these feelings.

And you really have to not only decide you want to R with your wife but you have to be in R 150% for it to be successful.

You have to "choose" her for it to be successful.

And your thoughts show just how far away your thinking is from R.

You also have to realize that you let her back home.

Your thoughts and actions with her back home and being with her on a daily basis can actually hurt her as well. Because she will realize you do not want her right now, possibly forever.

That is as damaging to your marriage as her affair is.

So get some professional help and be honest with your wife.

Because your feelings are normal but if you act on them you could actually lose your wife and marriage for good.

Good Luck and I am glad you came back.

HM


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
RawDeal75
♂ Member
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow!
Another slew of great comments, sharing and insights from you helpful and unselfish people out there. It warms my heart to feel the support and to actually understand that I am not the only one who struggles with these thoughts.

Yes, I feel that WW and our relationship is tainted. Yes, I hate that I am expected to remain "pure" for her in order for the marriage to work. Yes, I understand that what I would potentially be able to do is not even close to the same as her deep emotional involvement. Yes, I intellectually understand that "just" sex is nowhere near as powerful without love, and I am most likely making the experience out to be bigger in my mind than it really is.
And still... can't shake the feeling. Are there no success stories out there where the BS has at least gotten a tiny taste of the forbidden fruit witout disastrous consequences, where it may actually have helped?

To be honest I donīt know how I would solve the logistics behind it, and realistically nothing will ever happen. I guess I mostly hope to be understood and seen.

Even though I have not told my WW yet, I am now certain that I in fact really want R. I mean really really want it. I canīt see my life without her in it, and with just seeing the kids every other week. I guess I want the cake and eat it too. Ironic.


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
RawDeal75
♂ Member
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of mor things about me and my situation that I may not have mentioned before, in no particular order for no particular reason:
- Trickle truth lasted for about 6 weeks, but WW is now completely honest about every little detail in her life, past and present.
- WW moved back in after 4 weeks after having kicked her out and we have lived together as a couple for the last 3 months (though I have always maintained that I have not chosen her again yet, I have no promises to her since she broke those promises with her A. We live together because I "want to want", to make things easier for us and the kids and to make sure we do not drift apart.
- We have always had a great sex life. And with Hysterical Bonding it is now better and more intimate than ever. HB kicked in the day after d-day and has been going on for over 6 months now. So my thoughts and internal conflicts are not there for a lack of great sex
- WW has been unfaithful twice before. The first time was a year after we became a couple (back in 1994). She spent 6 months abroad studying and fairly quickly after leaving she got involved with someone, EA/PA culminating in a hand job. I knew nothing of this until she told me after d-day earlier this year. The second time was 2 months after we got engaged, 2 months before getting married. EA culminating in kissing, before I stumbled upon proof of what was going on (I gues that was my first d-day in May 2001). She was devastated, commited to and upheld NC, but I foolishly forgave her too quickly and I see now that no real understanding or change in her came out of that situation. Any sane man would have cancelled the wedding - I didnīt!
- I am not a religious man, but WW has a history with the church and some kind of faith still.

Not sure if the above matters at all but it could provide perspective for thos who comment on my case and those who are in similar situations and may learn from it.


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there no success stories out there where the BS has at least gotten a tiny taste of the forbidden fruit without disastrous consequences, where it may actually have helped?

I've never seen or heard of one where it helped, only hurt the marriage. Based on what others have posted, they don't un-fuck your cheating wife, they don't un-do the lack of trust in her, they don't un-do the betrayal, and they don't live up to what you think they're going to be.

Disastrous consequences? I don't consider affairs in general to be as disastrous as most who post on these forums, I feel like I've been through a lot worse in my life than my wife's affair. The consequences I personally find most disastrous are the ones the kids have to deal with.


Posts: 370 | Registered: Jul 2014
RawDeal75
♂ Member
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS.
Waywards are more than welcome to respond or react to my posts as well, though the forum rules for "I just found out" may require you to do so through a private message to me instead of on the messaging board...


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I want the cake and eat it too. Ironic.

Around here, we call that "wayward thinking". Are you sure that you want to explore deeper down this hole?

As for your WW, and her past, it makes sense that if nothing was learned from past mistakes, that they tend to relive them. It doesn't make it excusable, but it puts some logic into an illogical thought process. The bottom line, is that your WW better get her ass in gear this time, if she wants to prevent this behavior in the future. She has more deep-rooted problems than you or she may even believe, but nothing positive will come out of this until she commits to bettering herself.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW has been unfaithful twice before
That changes everything in many ways.

She has a habit of initiating contact with OM. I would not believe her in that she has told you the entire truths about the other 2 affairs.

Someone that has now had three affairs, is also a very accomplished liar and very accomplished at covering their butts.

The thing is, your wife did not just learn how to attract other men and she did not just learn how to lie to you. She has been doing this since day 1.

She needs to start answering you the big WHY she has been doing this all along. How many OM are there she has not admitted to.

I would think a polygraph is in order at this time. Before you can make informed decisions.

As for you having an affair, I don't see what it would accomplish at this time. It most likely wouldn't hurt her in any way as compared to how she has hurt you.

It would really get in the way of the things that really need to be focused on now. And that is how you are going to heal from this. And having sex with some other woman, would not heal you. It could cause further problems. So you go out and have sex with some woman, what are your plans if you fall in love with this other woman.

The thing is, you feel as if your marriage is now tainted, when to be brutally honest, it was since 1994.

There are some serious issues going on here and you are going to have to heal yourself from this.


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Jun 2002
RawDeal75
♂ Member
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,
I have received so much excellent feedback, comments, 2x4s and support from the member of this forum that I almost feel bad asking for more. But here it goes anyway:

When it comes to the privacy/integrity of the WS during and after attempted R I understand that many (most?) of you have demanded and received full openness and access to any and all phones, computers, logins, passwords etc. etc. etc. Correct? How have you handled this? To what extent have you really checked up on your WS? Do you tell them when you do, or after you did? For how long did you monitor their communications? And, a question of conscience here, did you ever read anything else of their communication with others than their APs? Are they fine with that? Do the WS not also need some privacy and unmonitored support from their family/friends? Did you read their journal/diary if they have one?

I would really appreciate comments from Waywards on this topic too. What is your take on my questions above? How did you feel about releting control and allowing full transparency? How much/what is OK, and what is not from your point of view?

I am not sure how to handle this as I feel extremely bad "snooping around", even though my "control" is very limited. Should I check more? (I haven't found a shred of evidence or indication that my WW has been communicating with the OM since D-Day.)


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always had access to all of my wife's stuff because she was the one who primarily dealt with the kids' school stuff and once in a while I would have to go in and check. She tried to hide and delete stuff about the affair and since I never was looking for it, I never found it, except for one day when I stumbled upon it. If I had had any suspicion at all prior to that, I could easily have found it because she didn't do a very good job of hiding it. Actually, if she had ever changed passwords or was protective of her phone or computer prior to me finding out, THAT would have been a big red flag to me.

So, my wife never cared if I read her messages, she had nothing to hide except the affair. So, after the affair, it was no big deal for me to look at all her stuff because I always could.

I was married 20 years at that point and we really didn't keep secrets from each other until her affair.

After the affair, I checked up on her for about two weeks. I think most people do it for much longer, but I found it exhausting, and I realized from the start that she knew how I caught her the first time and if she wanted to do it again, she would take much more care in hiding it. But, after the affair, I was much more aware of signs to look for which, in hindsight, I realized I had ignored. After the initial two weeks or so, I would check up on her at random, usually after I triggered over something, maybe once a month for a while. I easily could kill a few hours looking for hidden emails, deleted messages, messaging apps, etc., and I never found anything. Once in a while I would THINK I found something and explode, then find out it was a stupid mistake on my part.

If you are going to spy on your wife, I would recommend doing it secretly so she doesn't know you are doing it, because unless she is careless, she will never use a method to cheat on you that she knows you are checking. Maybe place a keylogger on her phone or whatever she uses to communicate, because messaging apps can be installed and deleted quite easily.

I think after the affair you are more in tune with her behavior and thus you will get a gut feeling if she starts cheating again. Monitoring to me seems a waste.


Posts: 370 | Registered: Jul 2014
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