Topic: Counselors advice
Member # 41705
| Posted: 7:03 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014|
Under advice from my counselor, I have joined OLD. Not to find a date exactly, but to see how many people are in my same situation, and to try to connect with the opposite sex in a safe way via email. I don't think I would ever want to date any of these men. I'm not being conceited, I just have no interest in them. I still think men are sketchy, after my betrayal. It will be a long time before I trust one again, and these men online seem so shady. I don't even want to email with them.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
Member # 3075
| Posted: 7:20 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014|
I would join a meetup group. Also would probably find another counselor. Sounds like some kind of experiment.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
Member # 30346
| Posted: 7:35 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014|
That is crazy advice. I don't know too many therapists that tell you to "get comfortable" by emailing people who ARE going to ask you out and then put you in an uncomfortable position.
I'm with Justabrokendream…try MeetUp or start volunteering at a new place. That will allow you to meet people who don't necessarily want to date you.
[This message edited by cmego at 7:36 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]
me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Posts: 4037 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Member # 19946
| Posted: 9:58 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014|
Doesn't seem fair to the guys online either. I'm not seeing the value of this advice other than to stir up issues to talk about in sessions. I think non-dating social interaction with good people is a wiser choice.
BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.
Posts: 5736 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 32554
| Posted: 11:27 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014|
That's horrible advice! OMG!!! No no no no no no no no no no.......
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 9311 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 27148
| Posted: 12:09 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
OLD is tough. Lots of passive rejection.....You think a guy is interesting, and you initiate contact. And then......he ignores you.
Or, you are emailing back and forth through the OLD website and .....POOF
Or you email, call, go on a few dates and.....POOF
Or you meet a whack-a-doodle stalker/ax -murderer type and you can't get rid of him.
OLD is not the way to go.
Working on yourself is the way to go. Feeling comfortable with you whether you are alone or not is what you want to achieve.
Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.
Posts: 2608 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 38865
| Posted: 2:28 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
The suggestion of joining a meetup group is, I think, a good one. It will get you out and socializing without the pressure of a meat market environment.
You will also have the chance to learn to trust people without the romantic entanglement.
Me: Awesome - 35
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 32810
| Posted: 7:19 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
Wow, your IC told you to use people as a means toward your own end? That sounds like terrible advice (and behavior) to me.
"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ
Posts: 13566 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 37933
| Posted: 7:41 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
Just to chime in/pile on, bad advice. I would find a new IC.
Nothing good can come of this.
Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 10506
| Posted: 8:02 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
I agree that your IC gave you sketchy advice. Especially if you are not ready to connect with men yet. Hell, do you even want to connect with men yet?
Another example of bad advice, this one from my psychiatrist (saw her for MD's mostly, saw my IC for therapy). She knew I was agnostic but she told me I should join a church to meet men. Yes, I was advised to deceive the members of a church, pretend that I believe the same things they did, for the sole purpose to get a date. What the holy hell?
If you want to get out again, join a meet up group or a book club, or volunteer somewhere, or take a class in your favorite hobby. OLD is not for the feint of heart and is NOT the place to start socializing again.
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine
Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 30349
| Posted: 8:33 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014|
What is OLD?
Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life
Posts: 370 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ontario
Member # 41298
| Posted: 7:08 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014|
OLD On Line Dating
Me: BH (43) Her WW 41
She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!
Posts: 196 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Member # 17460
| Posted: 1:46 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014|
This one is going in my book.
Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!
Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Member # 30341
| Posted: 10:52 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
fire your IC. Really.
DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Posts: 3011 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 36134
| Posted: 3:01 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014|
I think a meetup group is a great way to meet people.
I would sign up in your area.you can check out whose going to the meetups before you sign up foe a specific group. They have so many different groups based by interest. Check it out.
I think I would clarify your therapists suggestion. Sometimes mine has said something that took me by surprise. When I later asked, what she said was not what I heard.
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
Posts: 4856 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 10866
| Posted: 4:59 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014|
The best way to meet people in a shared environment: joing a meetup group, join a workout group, volunteer, take a class (cooking, ceramics, art history, etc), actively engage your existing friends in socializing, etc.
OLD is for dating, period. Unless you're ready for dating, don't jump in to OLD.
Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
Posts: 15251 | Registered: Jun 2006
|Topic Posts: 16|