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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj,

beautiful, I read it out loud too.

It makes me want to cry. Happy tears and sad tears all mixed together.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As is so often the case on here, and other threads too, it is "false charges" that hurt us so!

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Thank you, JJCT.

I read an interesting story today about being in your forties. A short paragraph caught my eye. Only a few words, but it sums up so much for me and my STBX and his complete deterioration into NPD Land:


People’s youthful quirks can harden into adult pathologies. What’s adorable at 20 can be worrisome at 30 and dangerous at 40. Also, at 40, you see the outlines of what your peers will look like when they’re 70.


Posts: 1668 | Registered: Oct 2011
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj, that was so beautiful. Thank you.

The flowersong of this beautiful group has comforted and buoyed me for long and long. We are a lovely bunch, aren't we?

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7804 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, jj!


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((JJ)))

That was awesome!


Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys - love my (((Tribe)))!
It was here that my healing took wings, and it feels "right".

Posts: 6539 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the years of trying to make it right.
Trying make him believe who I was.
He always saw the worst in me, the worst that was not there, that was not me.
All it really was, he was telling me who he really was.
He believed the worst about me because that is what was inside him.

I believed it then, tried so hard to be better, to make no mistakes, to say no "wrong" word, to look no "wrong" way, to walk that tightrope.

There was never a chance of making it right, of making him believe. He is false so believes that everyone else is false.

This is very hard to accept, to believe that it is real.

I have to forgive myself for not seeing all of this. I loved, in a real way, of course I would believe him, give it all my effort, keep trying, I can feel and have commitment and loyalty and forgiveness. That is how it should be.

The one thing I did do wrong, I believed for too long, gave too much, expected too little.

I have spent the last 12 years trying to earn back the love that he showed for the first 2 years. Never knowing until now that it was just an illusion. I am grieving for something that never existed.

I long for the day when I wake up and it is not the first thought, the first feeling.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can, I recognize that struggle. I grew to accept that his being unworthy or unreal did NOT invalidate the genuineness of MY love and devotion.

Just because he was all smoke and mirrors does not make you or your feelings smoke and mirrors too.

Hope that helps.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5777 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
castellana
♀ New Member
Member # 42609
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, mind if I take a seat? I've been trying to figure out what the F is wrong with WH and ran across NPD Thread and, yup, it's been there all along in 14 years of marriage. It's OK if you smack me in the face every once in a while for not noticing, oh, every red flag in the book.

Anyhow, I thought it was funny WH came home from a work performance review (below average -duh, when you regularly take two hour lunches to cheat on your wife what do you expect???) and was totally offended that his manager said his coworkers say WH is arrogant and unpleasant to work with.

WH said, "What? They think I'm arrogant? I'm not. It's just that I know more than they do and I often have to correct them."


Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the explanation jj.

I have to say that my WH was a great husband for a lot of years...then...it just started going downhill.

I wouldn't conform to the "picture" he had in his mind of what our perfect life was going to look like/be. As limbo has gone on, his list of complaints against me has gotten longer and longer and longer.

My IC said he sounds like a benevolent Narc. I read up on it a bit and it seems accurate. And a somnolent Narc. (That ties in the sex element)

He is not grandiose or anything like that, but is humble and self-deprecating to a fault.

This is all so frustrating. He needs IC SO badly and won't go. I know there's nothing I can do about it, but I hate that he is destroying our family because he isn't strong enough to man-up and deal with his issues.

:::sigh:::

I'm going to take a nap.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CAN))) I recognize your struggle too.

I have spent the last 12 years trying to earn back the love that he showed for the first 2 years. Never knowing until now that it was just an illusion. I am grieving for something that never existed.

^^^^^ My story is somewhat similar. The troubles officially started in 2004. I did not separate from him until 2011. I had young children. I was a SAHM. I didn't know any divorced women at that time.

But most of all, he was diagnosed as a sex addict - all his transgressions and sneakiness and meanness and manipulation and lies were a DISEASE that could be managed or somehow fixed.

So I stayed, letting myself be gaslighted and manipulated like all wives of NPD sex addicts. I am so angry at myself. So humiliated when I have to talk to lawyers and psychologists and child custody people - when they hear that I stayed with a sex addict for seven years, they all look at me with pity, and sometimes disgust.

It will take a long time to forgive myself. And to forgive myself for marrying that handsome, charismatic, fun and funny fake bullshitter.

But I've come a long way. I come here to this thread to read and empathize and vent and cry and ask for advice. But at the same time, I also realize that my life is good now, even in the middle of a custody eval. I have become close to so many people after opening up to them; my home is safe and warm and cozy. I can be social, or I can stay at home. I don't have to follow anyone around worrying that they might cheat on me. Or say no to great events because I'm afraid my husband will use the time to cheat on my while I'm out enjoying myself with friends. There are no dangers here - no liars, no manipulators. I can watch whatever tv I want without worrying about sex scenes. I hardly jump at all anymore when the phone rings. I am focused on me most of the time (except for the divorce) instead of managing a NPD crazy addict.

I don't live in that sort of fear anymore, scared to confront him because he'll go nuts on me. I don't have to call hotels and ask for his room - only for them to tell me that there's no one staying there by that name. I don't have to call his secretary and have her apologize and tell me she doesn't know where he is in the middle of a workday. And I don't have to deal with him coming home smelling like booze every night just when his children are ready for bed.

And I don't have to go to years of SA therapy and marital counseling and COSA meetings anymore. Hell, I can just go running, get a glass of wine with friends, and take care of MYSELF!

But just writing these words brings back the fear. I lived in fear for years, waiting for the next shoe to drop. Waiting for a call from the police, telling me they found him dead, or that he got into some road rage accident and killed someone.

So in all, life is good, and I never write these words here. So I just wanted to write them here tonight. I hope it's okay!


Posts: 1668 | Registered: Oct 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But at the same time, I also realize that my life is good now, even in the middle of a custody eval. I have become close to so many people after opening up to them; my home is safe and warm and cozy. I can be social, or I can stay at home.

This makes me SOOOOOOOOO happy! I am like a proud mama. I love this. And your "home" will be wherever you choose to make it. You CAN do it, have done, and will continue to do.

Welcome, castellana. Jump right in.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5777 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never write these words here. So I just wanted to write them here tonight

It is these kinds of absolute conundrum things,
these kinds of recognized lyings, coupled with the safety I feel here, makes me want to (((hug you)))
and
Keep on tryin.

Welcome to the land of busted lightbulbs and broken toasters castellana!


Posts: 6539 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy crap jj, I just had a vision of the land of misfit toys!

That is about how I feel right now. But I am getting a hold on this, I am not the misfit toy. Maybe I was but I don't have to remain so. I can be fixed.

Thanks for the words of encouragement, to everone here that shares their struggles and triumphs.

Time, time and rewriting the tapes that play in the head. Rewriting the false messages.

I received my tax refund, splurging on a "tune up" tomorrow with my IC.

I haven't seen him since the night before dday #2. There is a lot to cover. Just felt like I needed some validation, some clarity.

Peace and strength to all. A sense of "home" wherever you are.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should say about "lying" - it's lying to ourselves, denying...did not mean to be harsh.
Denial is what landed most of us in here after all.
(Is that a commonality guys?)
meh. I bet it is.

Posts: 6539 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct is my hero


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 734 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Denial, oh yes.

"it isn't that bad"
"he didn't mean it"
"he couldn't help it"
"he is harder on himself than he is on me"
"maybe he is right"
"maybe I expect too much"

I learned it young and learned it well. Unfortunately it was the wrong lesson.

Just because you don't talk about something does not make it untrue.

Just because you don't want to believe it doesn't make it go away.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks (((Care))).

JJ, yes, denial got me here. And fear, I think. I denied the obvious because I was afraid of what would happen if I rocked the boat.

I was afraid of him lashing out and attacking me. Afraid of what he would do if he turned on me. Afraid of being a single mom. Afraid of starting over after staying at home. Afraid of telling everyone the truth of what I suspected.

Guess what? My worst fears came true anyway.

"Never run from your fears, because when they catch up to you you're too tired to fight."

Yup.


Posts: 1668 | Registered: Oct 2011
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cant, that post of yours from this morning really resonated with me. And this:
"it isn't that bad"
"he didn't mean it"
"he couldn't help it"
"he is harder on himself than he is on me"
"maybe he is right"
"maybe I expect too much"

This was my life for too too long.

I still struggle with doubting myself and my own memories and feelings with regard to the NPD. Littlefoggy's post about childbirth really got my mind whirling with memories, and I found myself thinking these same old familiar things. Maybe I'm painting him unfairly. Maybe he was scared. Maybe he didn't know what to do. Maybe it wasn't really as bad as I remember... Ugh.

Forgiveness. Working on it. For him. For me. Finally for me.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 11:17 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7804 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you speled that wrong sunsets...I'm more like a greek sammich -
a gyro...got it?
Party at sunsets!!!!!
(he's on the beach, so that's a no-brainer, even for me!)

w2 - yeah..."experience". It's that thing we get,
right after we need it!


Posts: 6539 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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