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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On one level I think XH doesn't want his daughters growing up and having their partners cheat. On the other hand he doesn't see how ripe they are for unhealthy relationships thanks to his behavior.

I KNOW, right? It pisses me off.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1699 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It used to really piss me off, till one day DD3(20) told me that they do not seek relationship advice from him. He doesn't know them like I do. It helps, but I still worry that what they saw when we were together, they view as normal. I don't want that for them.



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4855 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the sweet replies Jjct, Choosinghope, kajem, caregiver.

I made an appointment at the women's shelter for counselling for my children. Again, I'm not comfortable talking about myself, so I haven't looked into counselling for me.

This is already getting so hard, he is being so mean because he's so angry at me for seeing a lawyer.
Sometimes he acts civil, and I'm going to try my best to get along with him, just to keep him from getting angry and saying hurtful things that depress me for days. He is acting like I'm the one that's wrong here because I chose to see a lawyer. It makes me wish I would have started the divorce process right when I found out about his unfaithfulness, atleast back then he acknowledged that he made a huge mistake.

For those of you with children, did you chnage your last name and leave the kids with your Ex's last name?


Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2013
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worry so much about the sorts of things my kids are exposed to when they are with the NPDexH and OW. They are hypersexual. There are inappropriate PDAs in front of the kids. The kids can hear them having sex. NPD is very into porn. Sexual innuendos are commonplace. OW points out "hot" guys to my DD15. It makes me sick.

This past weekend DD came home and related a story about OW's birthday party which was held at their house. She described one of their female friends who was "pouring herself shot after shot of Fireballs and was completely drunk." She thought this was amusing apparently...

Can someone tell me why it's ok to have half a houseful of drunken adults and the other half of the house full of teenage boys and girls? I just know that in a couple years, they will be the ones allowing the kids to have parties with alcohol "because at least they're safe in their house".

Welcome, Jesss! I hope once you talk to the counselor about your children, you will feel more comfortable opening up to a counselor for yourself.

As far as his manipulating and guilting you - try to be in as little contact with him as possible. The more you can eliminate face-to-face and phone conversations, the better. Try to get email only communications where possible. No Contact is your friend.

The name. I didn't change mine right away, but I finally went through with it about a year ago, and I'm glad I did.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7782 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome!

Jjct, I wanted to add, writing everything down and reading it to my lawyer like a story is a perfect idea, that is exactly what I'm going to do!


Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2013
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Name change is the least of my worries, I know, but just another thing to stress about.
I'm sad that I won't have the same last name as my children. I'm going to try to get their last names hyphenated,
my name-husbands name.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2013
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not change my name because my kids (because of the age they are or just the personality they have) they would have felt rejected. Or they would have felt they had to shoulder the name alone. I tell people who ask that I kept the name because I figured it needed some class.

(((Jesss))) You can try your best to get along with him, but when you don't, it won't be your fault. I chose to make him invisible, wait out the storm of rage "I know you can see me!" behaviors and then treat him like a slightly annoying stranger.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5610 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept his name. It was important to my kids that we have the same name. Other (not as important ) reasons-in our preliminary agreement XH answered that I would be changing my name. Another reason: it bothers ow/NW. It also connects inlaws and I -and THAT bothers OW/NW!

Wb2, your kids will get better influences from other people-hopefully they see your XH and OW as the not normal parents when compared to their friends parents. It was by comparing XH and NW that my kids learned daddy was strange.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4855 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For name changes, I kept my married name when I D xWH#1 over 20 years ago because the kids were younger and because I was teaching in my school for a long time. With the current WH, I am planning to change my name back to my maiden name. Our children are older, one still in HS. Because of his NPD traits, I NEED to be disassociated with him. Also, since our kids have my 2 older sons from my first marriage, they are kind of used to having family with names.

I do have a question on another subject. I have such trouble with trying not to reason with WH when he insists that I did something I did not do. My IC keeps telling me not to try to reason with the unreasonable. But there's something wrong with me that I keep trying. Is it because he can be seem reasonable with a subject that doesn't have to do with him personally and then I keep feeling that if he can be reasonable and can actually seem to give good advice and seem empathetic with other subjects, I still expect him to be that way when we have a disagreement?

I guess I feel like I'm the one who hasn't learned the lesson yet that if it has to do with him, he won't listen.

The other thing is that everyone says you'll know when enough is enough. I do know that, but why do I still get hurt by him? Why do still want to cry my eyes out at the thought of having to say goodbye?

I was reading an article that said "Narc" for Narcissist is apt. Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to him or the Dr. Jekyll side of him. An addiction that I know is toxic to me, but hard to break.

Thank you for listening.


Posts: 1938 | Registered: Jan 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah yes, the "false charges" subject...again

Attacking it with prose, here it goes haha!

The Narcneed addiction is ultimately not about him. At all. It is entirely about your need; to be seen as right, good, not at fault, innocent of the charges.

Your need for him to see is about - I'm sorry - a wishful desire to change him. To change his "seeing".
See?
Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him

The process of seeing inside of ourselves - identifying the rusty hook that is being exploited to keep us involved - is an arduous journey of self-growth. There is nothing "wrong with you".
You're struggling, just like every single one of us.
When you learn to be less reliant on external approbation, and turn within for strength, then, you'll be protected by the song of flowers. Promise.

PS
That brutal winter this year? I have to apologize for that. I caused it.


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Narcneed addiction is ultimately not about him. At all. It is entirely about your need; to be seen as right, good, not at fault, innocent of the charges.

Your need for him to see is about - I'm sorry - a wishful desire to change him. To change his "seeing"
.

jjct: Thank you so much for your response. I agree with you, I am looking for something that I thought was there and is not, so therefore, a change.
Finding the inner strength is extremely hard when I keep getting attacked and accused of something that I did not do. I start to question myself.

Thank you, because you touched a nerve within me that is making me look a little deeper within myself. I think I've always had a problem with someone being angry with me. If I was the one who did something wrong, I own it, take responsibility, am sorry, and try to make reparations. I've always had a problem with being accused of something I didn't do. I chose my screen name because people always tell me that is what I am.


It is so hard to change MY beliefs. My belief that he was really good inside and excusing his bad behavior and believing him. Allowing him to treat me badly which not only hurt me, but in turn hurt the kids.

I don't know if I can find me again.


Posts: 1938 | Registered: Jan 2010
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,

I understand what you mean by an addiction, it really does feel like withdrawal. I find myself missing him, aching for him, craving some contact...but then I think, I think about the reality, I think with my head not my heart. I remember how he has treated me all these years. I remember how he interfered with my relationship with my sons. I remember the shame he put on me. I remember all the times that I was trying to prove to him who I was.

He always accused me of thoughts, actions, feelings that never even occurred to me. It was so confusing, I knew I did not think, do, or feel the things he said but in his mind it was fact. I would feel so bad about me for making him feel that way. It was mind bending.

Now, now I know that he was projecting his way of thinking on to me. He did not trust me because he was not trustworthy, he did not feel loved by me because he was hiding who he was, he accused me of being deceitful, not a real person, cold, angry because that is what he was.

He cannot fathom someone feeling, being honest, having compassion because he does not know what it is.

I have been thinking of it like being color blind, you know there are colors but you see them differently than everyone else. It is a kind of handicap. Unfortunately it is a handicap that hurts those that see all the colors and try to love them.

You can find yourself again. You just have to believe. Moment by moment. It is hell but there will come an end to the hell if you keep going. I have to believe this, each day, it hurts, I ache, I cry, I want to scream, but I believe, I believe that the relief will come.

Strength to you, to all of us walking through this hell.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I feel like you all are talking about me.

Being accused of feeling things/not feeling things that aren't true.

Arguing my point because I'm RIGHT with absolutely no effect whatsoever on the outcome of the situation.

Question: did your WS accuse you of being controlling?

That's one of my WHs reasons for deciding he was done with the marriage. I was controlling. I wish I knew what in the hell I was in control of, because I felt like my whole life evolved around everyone else's!

When I pressed him for details he said,"I just couldn't deal with your choices about God anymore. I was having so much anxiety about it, it controlled my entire life.".

I pointed out that it was the anxiety that was controlling him, not me. He doesn't see it that way.

In my mind, it basically comes down to me not doing what he wanted when he wanted me to do it. He also disagrees about that.

Just wondering if this is all part of the Narc deal.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1699 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my mind, it basically comes down to me not doing what he wanted when he wanted me to do it. He also disagrees about that.

WOW. Nekorb you've just described my life BD (before divorce). And AD (after divorce) .

One thing I learned early you cannot disprove a negative. I just stopped trying. Either he knew me or he didn't. And yeah he didn't know me!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4855 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question: did your WS accuse you of being controlling?

Yes. He said I controlled the money (by paying the bills) and what he ate (by cooking his dinner) and so forth.

NPDs project their behavior onto you. When he says YOU are controlling, he means HE is controlling.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 486 | Registered: Nov 2013
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question: did your WS accuse you of being controlling?

YES!!

In his mind, disagreeing with him is controlling. Not doing every little thing he wants is controlling. Being another living person is controlling. LOL

Took me a long time to understand this was not about me at all it was a part of his emotional problem. I also had an irrational need to prove I WAS NOT controlling, which I now know is really common for victims of abuse. I had to learn to detach and not give a shit about him.

The hilarious thing to me is this: His latest GF is the control bitch from hell. My kid said the other day, "OMG, Dad is whipped!" GF was the one who tried to control what my DD eats, she wrote me an email a few months after she moved in subtly telling me I am a bad mom, she offered to take my DD18 for birth control behind her parents backs, she wont let my kids freely eat when visiting, she is a OCD neat freak, and she told my kids, " If everything goes as planned, your mother will not be happy about her financial situation, by the end of the month."

What cracks me up is NPD was into using thoughts to bring things he wanted into his life...... Always accused me of being "negative" (translate...you dare to complain about my mistreatment of you) Funny, my life is getting better and better.

Well I guess his positive thinking worked for him. He got the controlling bitch of his dreams.

I know it is rotten of me, but it brings me absolute joy......


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2608 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being controlling? He is the control freak of the century and yet, he has accused me of this as well. That I try to control him with wanting him to do certain things like say "I love you" back to me when I've said it to him.

The man will get lost getting out of a paper bag and used to get angry with me if I didn't tell him where to make a turn when driving or where to go. So, as evidence he said, "You always tell me what to do! You tell me where to drive!" He asked me to for goodness sake!!


Posts: 1938 | Registered: Jan 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This seems to be the perfect explanation for so many of the questions about what the Ns do or say.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5610 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

haha, Care. I've often said that I could predict the behavior of 95 percent of the population in certain situations. But not that of my STBX. Every time I've tried to figure out his motivations or next steps, I've been wrong.


So, everyone, the latest craziness is that I made a remark to my attorney on the phone two days ago. Then STBX did something that made my attorney email me and tell me that she suspects he might have a listening device on my phone or in my house!!!

She is not the kind of person who I could ever imagine saying something like this to me. Then the same day I made another different remark to a friend on the phone, and STBX did something else very odd, that then starting to make ME believe that he might have been listening.

Are we all crazy????????? Could it really be possible??? He's here twice a week for visitation. I just put a lock on my bedroom door, but he could have done something previous to that. Or to my phone???

I am officially freaked out. This is lunacy.


Posts: 1591 | Registered: Oct 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

land line or your cell phone?


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5610 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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