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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can, I am also creeped out by him saying he was at your grocery because he might run into you. Please alter your rountines for a time.

Please remind us whether you have your locks changed and your home totally secured. Be alert for cars following you, etc.

I have been living in fear for so long. Now, I'm starting to get stronger and when I need my IRL support system, they seem to have had it with me. I understand, I really do.

That is where this site and this particular Tribe comes in. Your IRL friends and family do not understand. They want you to be happy. move on. try dating. get over it. snap out of it. stop obsessing.

I'm finally realizing how much emotional abuse I've had from FOO and WH. I believed all the lies and gaslighting that WH gave me even though my gut and head were shouting at me because I so wanted to BELIEVE the lies (or needed to?)

Yes, you were *conditioned* for this response. IC is good. You want to avoid this type of relationship in the future for sure. I also believe most of us come out of this with some true PTSD.

My friends and older sons (from xWH#1) are upset and angry at me for putting up with NPD WH's crap all these years. How can I ever explain how messed up I was (or became being with a NPD) all these years?

How can I forgive myself? My friend who was there for me since DDay, and literally saved my life is now blaming me for DS18 and DS15 being messed up because I didn't stand up to NPD WH years ago? WH is not speaking to me because he feels I turned our kids against him.

Would your older boys be open to a couple of family counseling sessions with your IC? A mediated discussion with a professional might help you all understand the unhealthy dynamics that were going on. If they refuse to hear your story, then I would seriously consider making the discussion off limits. If they turn it into an opportunity to bash you, then shut it down with. "This is not something I wish to discuss right now."

Do this with the "friends" too. Please take some time with your IC to discuss the things your friends are telling you. It might be time to crop your list of friends. Or withdraw from them a bit. If they are a detriment to your healing, you may need to 180 these people for a time.

As far as WH goes...he's not speaking to you. Good. It's better that way. "sorry he feels that way." Enjoy the peace and quiet.

I'm sorry you're feeling alone. It's hard when it seems no one "gets it". Keep posting here. We all get it. We've lived it.

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7819 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
tothineownself
♀ Member
Member # 20158
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,
As you can see by my registration date I have been a lurker on SI for a long time.
I'm sorry if this is not the correct way or place to try and post to get some feedback. If a different forum would be better, please let me know with my thanks. :-)
I was discouraged from posting much from the beginning because I was shot-down by other's on this site challenging whether or not my WH actually had NPD. I hope you can all relate to the fact that I have enough of self-doubt and gas lighting from my WH and couldn't handle people questioning if what I new was true or not.
I think I am safe here saying that yes, he does have it along with other psychological disorders. My IC tried to get me to accept it for 3 years and I would not knowing what the diagnosis meant for no change or "fixing".
My WH and I have tried MC, and have gone through 5 MC. He bails as soon as we start getting into anything painful or intimate and wants to go to someone new. Tells me they are "brainwashing" me into thinking something is wrong with him.
He has gone to the VA for IC and was diagnosed with PTSD.
He had the behavior WAY before he went to Iraq and I didn't care what the diagnosis was as long as he was getting IC. The "treatment" is the same focusing on reality vs "the story you are telling yourself" and anger management skills.

My WH left myself and our son Jan. 20th. We finally spoke on the phone this past Saturday the 22nd.
I was shocked with the anger and RAGE that he was spewing at me. It didn't make sense to me how he could be SO angry with me when HE was the one who left. Deflection is all I can figure.
What concerned me the most was that his "story" of the night he left had absolutely NO basis of truth in it. It was a complete fabrication.
He said I "threw him up against the wall 3 times" when I didn't even get within 5 feet of him! We didn't even have an argument! Just a few grouchy words asking him to help me with the puppy he begged me for for YEARS! No cussing, no yelling.
I am really creeped-out, skin crawling that he has had a break from reality.
Is this part of NPD in any of your experiences?

Monday night our son came home from TKD saying that my WH "took a q-tip thing and wiped both of the insides of my cheeks to test to make sure the medicine I am taking is the right one". (my DS takes ADD meds) My son was VERY anxious to tell me and I felt he KNEW his dad was doing something weird, but didn't know what. DS told me WH did it right in the middle of TKD practice.

When we were trying to conceive, I was 39, he had had a vasectomy reversal after 14 years, (he bought a microscope to see if he had any "swimmers" because he didn't want to go to the lab he is a DO I am an RN), I was taking my temp, obtaining until ovulation, doing certain sex positions and douching because my WH wanted a boy. We were only married 6 months when I conceived. Thank god it WAS a boy!

How in the world could my WH think his son would not be his??!!! Is he just grasping at straws because he wants out so badly with no responsibility?

I want to confront him SO badly!!! But am maintaining NC. Just getting a little crazy and questing my sanity.

I am embarrassed to say, I am his fourth wife and he cheated on 2 of them that I know of along with me. I should have known.
He knows the right things to say and do. He had ALL of my family and friends convinced he was a great guy! I felt SO lucky to have found someone so great to be with.

The minute we were M'd he started to change with him yelling at me when I was 4 months pregnant that he "had had enough and was tired of being someone he was not!"
"I had my doubts when I M'd you", "I was hoping you would change", "I never enjoyed having sex with you", " ALL the other women I have had sex with can orgasm with JUST missionary intercourse" I could go on and on. Most of what he has said to me are very common word-for-word things I have read on here over and over again.

I'm sure he would be devastated to find out he is NOT special or unique!

Thank you to anyone who had read though all of this.

If anyone has some thoughts or encouragement I would truly appreciate it.

My world had been turned upside down and I'm not sure what to do right now.
So tired and depressed.


”This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”-Shakespeare-Hamlet
Forget the pants,( you weren't wearing them anyway!)
It's liar, liar SOUL's on FIRE!!

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: illinois
tothineownself
♀ Member
Member # 20158
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading woundedby2's post above reminded me that my WH had me followed about a month ago.

It also could have been written to me. Really great advice!

Makes me feel like I am not alone or crazy!

That many people have suffered NPD abuse with the same reactions. I am normal.


”This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”-Shakespeare-Hamlet
Forget the pants,( you weren't wearing them anyway!)
It's liar, liar SOUL's on FIRE!!

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: illinois
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((TOthineownself))))))))

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!

My XH has not been diagnosed by a professional, I've diagnosed him! He is a covert narc, he would be onstage for any professional -then gloat that he pulled one over on a professional. I saw the side they will never get to see-hence my diagnosis.

Welcome to the tribe.

He DNA tested your son. The results will be ready in 2weeks. Since you know it's his son, and he'll get those results. Try not to worry about the test part. Instead worry about the message His disruption of your kids lesson sends to your son and the facility (Do Jo?) that he's questioning paternity!

They are a bunch of whacked out crazies habiting crazytown!

Anyway, welcome


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,

My XH blames me for turning our DDs against him also. And I was doing it before he left-no XH that was called growing up and growing away from family toward individualization! They treated him no differently than they treated me!
But since they weren't running to the door shouting daddy, daddy-it was my fault-not his!

I got a lot of support and help from the folks at my local domestic violence shelter. My XH wasn't physically abusive, the emotional abuse starts long before the physical. I was in group therapy with other abused wives, my kids were in counseling with a counselor that has a reputation for helping kids thru abuse. I was given tools to help me explain to friends what was going on. I was given information on choices I had legally-that he couldn't take from me, even though he tried!

It was very difficult and humbling experience, once I opened up to someone the floodgates opened and everything came out!! And the love from strangers krept in.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, tothineownself.

Most of us do not have a true diagnosis for our NPDs. The way I see it, if you are reading through this thread and nodding your head as you read, you belong in here. We don't require any certification of professional diagnosis in this here Tribe.

Wow, your XH had some gall to DNA test your boy in front of his karate class. Do you think it's possible your son has a suspicion of what his father may have been up to? What a horrible thing to realize your dad is questioning whether you are really his son. You may want to open a dialogue with your son about this just to feel out whether he has more questions about what happened. If he were to ask around enough, one of his friends may have seen this on TV, etc...

Is he just grasping at straws because he wants out so badly with no responsibility?

Yes, probably. Also, it would go a long way to assuage his guilt if he could "prove" that you had cheated on him and ruined the marriage.

... his "story" of the night he left had absolutely NO basis of truth in it. It was a complete fabrication.
He said I "threw him up against the wall 3 times" when I didn't even get within 5 feet of him

Not unusual. They manipulate. And they lie. And once they've told their story in their mind and to others enough times, I believe it really becomes the truth to them. Unfortunately his version of this night will definitely show up in your court proceedings. Be prepared for that.

Be sure you are keeping excellent documentation. Keep a little notebook of events because we can't remember everything, and if your court case is drawn out, you will never remember these details a year or two down the road. Try to keep discussions with him in writing, so you have a paper trail. Plus it's better for being as much No Contact as possible.

I found this today on my Facebook feed and thought I would share it. I know you all can relate:

Abuse has three elements:
1. Control - the abuser wants you to do and be who he/she wants.
2. Punishment - if you aren't who he/she wants, you will be pressured through punishment and threats.
3. Invalidation - if you speak up about the abuse and try to have a voice, you will be invalidated and told you are crazy, sensitive, wrong, etc. until you doubt yourself and believe the abuser.

(from therapist/author @Karla Downing)

Have the best day possible today, Tribe!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7819 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
tothineownself
♀ Member
Member # 20158
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you kajem and woundedby2.
It does help so much to know that other people out there "get-it" without having to explain everything for hours on end and they still look at you confused.

My son still thinks that his dad was testing him because of his ADD medicine.
I did ask him about it feeling weird and he demonstrated how it was embarrassing to stand there with his mouth open. So sad.
I did not/do not want DS to know the real reason my WH did that and I feel like I at least validated that it felt weird and that it was normal to feel weird to have your dad do that to you.
Their master comes the school for after school lessons, so it is kind-of a "loose" atmosphere. The Master also thinks my WH is such a cool guy. I would not put it past him to be in support of my WH and the DNA test.
I am considering having a heart-to-heart with the Master because he really is a good guy and has strong beliefs in honor and respect. (My WH is also a retired Army COL and served in Iraq like I said so the Master responds to that "service". LONG story there too where he put men in harms way because he wanted to "tour" they even went out to eat at a fancy restaurant with photos of their food! Makes me ill to think of it!)

The DNA stunt was very enlightening, to know how untrusting he is and always has been. Wish I could be there when he opens that lab report!

Unfortunately, as you all know, this is only the beginning and there will be no end to then arc crapola for either myself or my son.

Since he did physically abuse me 4 years ago and was arrested and jailed for 3 days, I had an OOP and now he has an open file with DCFS for another year because he did it in front of our son I do know that records are important.

When I was with the abuse court, they let me log onto SI to pull-up my journal and print it as evidence. SO glad it was all written down because, yes, for sure I had forgotten about much of what he had done to me and would not have been able to recall dates and specific incidences.

After our false recovery, he was furious when he found out I was writing it all down and had records, like I had insulted him with my diary.

Of course, he does not live in reality and could never really see and feel the destruction he inflicts on people so it was all untrue in his eyes.

He has to have a sensational "story" to justify his actions. Otherwise everyone will know he is selfish, impulsive, a liar and abusive. He is ALWAYS the victim and can NEVER take responsibility for ANYTHING negative that he has done. I know, textbook, right? :/

Does anyone know if because he abandoned us 9 weeks ago, is living with his sister and has not asked to come back, can I change the locks and disable his garage door opener?

I am just so scared he will come in and take things when I am not home, or at the worst just waltz back in because there is not a legal reason that he cannot come back into the home.

I have read about NPD for many years and have found reading The Narcissist in Your Life blog very helpful.
My WH is textbook, literally saying the exact same phrases and doing the exact same described actions.

Given that we all are people who will look for the best in people, forgive, not expect perfection, try to come back to center and balance and try, try, try to improve things or change ourselves to make our spouses happy it has been many years for me in this mess.

I stayed mostly because I didn't want my DS to be left alone with him. :-( I went through the whole court system and unless he is breaking arms or using weapons it is impossible to get supervised visitation. And even if by some miracle you get it, if he behaves himself for 6 months that court order will go away.

I can't blame our court system or child protection. They are swamped with many abuse cases and their attention must go to the worst of the worst.

At this point I know it is cheaper for my WH to live with his sister and just pay our usual bills. He is actively texting/sexting a 37 yo. IF he gets her on the hook, I am quite sure he will file for D and it will be a long dirty exhausting battle trying to be reasonable with 'crazy'.

I don't know how all of you who have gotten away from your narc have found the strength to do it!

I still struggle with trying to make sense out of nonsense. His actions and what he says just doesn't seem to compute in my brain. Feels like I am talking to a complete stranger who lived a totally separate life than I for the past 14 years.
I guess that really IS the truth, isn't it.


”This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”-Shakespeare-Hamlet
Forget the pants,( you weren't wearing them anyway!)
It's liar, liar SOUL's on FIRE!!

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: illinois
tothineownself
♀ Member
Member # 20158
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem- I HAVE been so ashamed and scared to go to the domestic abuse shelter for help.
They were there for the OOP and very supportive.
I KNOW I have been in denial because I didn't want it to be true.
This can't be my REAL life!
My husband can't really be abusing me in every way possible.
He can't have NPD because that would mean he doesn't care one bit for me, our son, himself or ANYONE.
He is just having stress, he just had a bad night, he had a bad childhood, he has PTSD. Explain it all away because the truth is so horrid.
I didn't want it to be part of my life's story or my son's either.
But it is. It really is that bad. HE is that bad and dysfunctional. His family is abusive, enabling and dysfunctional.
They believe him because it relieves them of any guilt or responsibility for his behavior. They have a great family and WH has just met and M'd 4 crazy women. Poor WH.

I need to call and find a support group. Thank you!


”This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”-Shakespeare-Hamlet
Forget the pants,( you weren't wearing them anyway!)
It's liar, liar SOUL's on FIRE!!

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: illinois
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone know if because he abandoned us 9 weeks ago, is living with his sister and has not asked to come back, can I change the locks and disable his garage door opener?

A lawyer might tell you that you can't do this, but do it anyway. Worst case scenario he can legally pay a locksmith to let him in or get a court order to be let in.

I changed all the locks on my home, and it was a few weeks before NPD asked about it. I think I replied with, "why did you need in to the house?" He pitched a fit, but tough stuff. He didn't live there anymore. And he was taking stuff.

Maybe you're having trouble with the lock sticking? or the garage door opener was acting up? Or a neighbor was broken into, and you needed to feel safer.

Also, there is no law against you adding locks to interior doors in your own home. You can lock your bedroom up.

And put a lock on the back gate too.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7819 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tothineownself)))
Here's a safety thread that could be useful:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=474587&HL=17484

(give it a bump! :)

Have you consulted with a L?

I'm concerned that you are ceding some power to him by waiting for him to file. I understand that there are different situations, but...well, you know.
Being pro-active, and filing for D yourself can give you an extra layer of protection.
He could be running up tons of credit debt...he's hitting on a new target? ...how does it feel that you might be paying for gifts, dinners, and various other treats for her?

I'd also think that your current OOP gives you leverage to include restricting his access to your child in any D-filing... - how dare he pop-in and rub a swab in front of everybody!!!!!


agree with w2
add locks (don't forget windows), don't forget the gate!
Is there any way you could get a motion-sensitive visual & audio recorder or two, placed strategically about, looking in AND out?


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello group,

I keep wanting to post over in the Divorce group, but mine is so crazy with an bipolar/npd/alcoholic ex that I feel really awkward and self-conscious about the craziness. No one I know IRL has ever heard of so much insanity in a D. Reading through the posts here made me feel a little less alone.

We're still going through our D, but I let my attorney go back in Sept/Oct. The ex blew the retainer with his crazy emails back and forth, so I figured I'd battle it alone for a while and bring a new L in to help me at settlement time. I've been pretty good with NC and can shut him out. It was also very empowering to stand up for myself and fight my own battle.

The ex is an L himself (not family law) so he likes to file all kinds of weird motions and emergency hearings. He also loves to write long, creepy letters about me on his letterhead.

So far we've had an emergency custody hearing for the dog (yes, the dog, apparently I'm an unfit dog mommy), insurance and a few others I can't remember. The judge finally told him none of his issues were emergencies and to stop wasting his time.

He filed a few emergency restraining orders against me until the judge slapped one on him instead. That was a good day because I fought it alone and got him to blatantly lie under oath.

At our last emergency hearing the judge ordered us to a new mediation program. We finally heard from our mediators and he told them he knew we weren't ordered to anything and it was a shame they were doing my bidding.

He said he thought I randomly called all over town and hired them and that he was going to show up at mediation and whistle show tunes if he had to. The mediators report directly to the judge, so I'm curious how that's going to work out for him.

Anyway, I have so much anxiety waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Thanks for reading. I just have really needed to get some of this stuff out because it's eating away at me.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 405 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how all of you who have gotten away from your narc have found the strength to do it!
You do it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I opened up about the truth of what was going on and found support. An abuse support group, Al-Anon meetings, friends, SI. You can do it....bit by awful bit. You'll get through, but it's hard as hell. No lie!

{{{{ hugs }}}}


Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rainbows, good for you!!!!!
He filed a few emergency restraining orders against me until the judge slapped one on him instead. That was a good day because I fought it alone and got him to blatantly lie under oath.

I'm soooo impressed! Keep up the good work.

Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for reading. I just have really needed to get some of this stuff out because it's eating away at me.

Good. I am glad you got it "out." I remember that feeling. It still lives within me and is why I cherish the tribe so much. I get not being able to share all the crazy out in the "other" forums. It made me feel defensive before I even got started. (However, I can tell you from reading in D/S that at least right now? there are quite a few CRAZY exes in the mix.)


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding changing the locks: per mt attorney. I could change the locks at anytime. If he asks for a key, promise you'll make him a copy. Then keep forgetting to do it!

If he asks for entrance, ask why?

If he breaks in call the police!

Add security chains to your inside doors. School your kids that no one who doesn't live in your house is allowed in without you being home or your permission. This includes aunt jane, uncle bob, grandma daddy and anyone else. They can call you and ask permission. I told aunt jane, grandma and uncle bob regarding waiting for the kids to call and ask for permission. They understood.
^^^^^^ Handling things like this (not singly daddy out) as a safety issue, made it easier for my kids to follow thru. I didn't distinguish between adults or kids EVERYONE who wanted into my house needed my permission. It was easier to just have those rules for everybody.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greetings,

Mind if I jump into the pond? I promise I'll try to swim, mostly.

My WH is not the classic grandiose type of NPD like many of you seem to have experienced. My IC, who is a great psychologist, says WH is a "vulnerable narcissist."

Specifically, WH exhibits the following:

--can't seem to do empathy about his EA issues, but rather, goes into deep shame mode
--is a rescuer type who needs to be needed
--has low self esteem and a deep fear of abandonment
--hyper defensive to small perceived criticism
--often feels helpless or victimized
--puts some people on pedestals and others on the ground beneath his feet (eg admires those in professions like doctors, but can be condescending to clerks & waitresses)

VNPD are similar to the classic variety in that they also had a narcissistic injury (aka a "core" injury, one that occurs in very early childhood). But they don't usually brag and are not usually overtly abusive. More of a passive aggressive type. They feel more feelings than the classic NPD, but still feel empty inside and struggle with empathy and responsibility.

Does anyone else have experience with the vulnerable variety? It's been a huge eye opener for me, but I'd love to learn more from those with spouses exhibiting similar traits.



Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am kind of nervous to admit that I am a mental health professional. (All kinds of personal judgements being a major issue for me at this point.) While not qualified to diagnose my WH personally, I do have professional friends who are, and thus my being 90% certain. I am in doubt as to whether he will pursue professional help long enough to show his true colors for a true diagnosis. I agree with everyone, if it looks and smells like a narc, odds are that's what you've got. Please start learning and working to protect yourself now.

hpv50 - Yours sounds much like mine. He is most dangerous when he's putting out his "distress" signal. Passive aggression is his tool of choice. I wouldn't say he feels more feelings than typical narcs, but I would say he's got more of an emotional repertoire than some. He can play some pretty convincingly.
Mine isn't a bragger either per se, but works hard to give impressions that are more grandiose than reality. For example, since he is thin, and talks a lot about running, people assume he is a health nut who runs a lot. They ask him for advice. He likes that. However, I know that he eats like a teenager (think fast food and pizza), smokes at least a pack a day, and runs maybe once every two weeks.
One of the worst things about this type, at least so far as I am dealing with, is that he would give an impression of really wanting things to work out, just having no clue how to do it. (His way of making me take responsibility for his love behavior.) I would then provide a list of example behaviors he could do that would help, and he would treat it like a checklist, acting it out in order to check it off, but not putting the emotion or caring behind it. Insincerely accomplishing "love". So then, if I found fault, I was the one who was wrong, because I said those things would help. He did everything I asked. Again leaving all the responsibility with me. And I fell for this for years.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH may VNPD, I always called it Covert NPD because he uses a lot of underhanded NPD tricks like gaslighting, leading, and lies by omission. He is very passive aggressive. Has had narc injury in childhood. I am not sure he's capable of a range of emotions. I know he exhibits anger very well! It always seems to be there just below he surface.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QA,

My XH has a lot of mental health professionals fooled. He worked with them! They only see his "public" side. I unfortunately get to see behind the curtain.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks K. I was fooled for too long, seeing myself, my love, my character in the mirror and not wanting to believe anyone could be so heartless and empty. I would tell myself, surely he didn't mean it that way...

But I'm forgiving myself and appreciating that I had to get to this point for some reason.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
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