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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even stbxwh would admit that he had been abusive. His rationale everytime after admitting it was, "but you allowed it". As if that made it okay. As if that took away his responsibility for being abusive.

This is the first time I have heard that someone else's x said this exact same thing that NPDx said. It is such an immature thing to say....6 year olds blame others like that.

Why don't people get taught that if they are saying "At least he/she did not hit me." They are being abused.

Great pic WB2!!!

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 12:08 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2672 | Registered: Jan 2010
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"At least he/she did not hit me."

Sigh. How many times did I utter some variation of that phrase? Though I cannot say it was true for my kids.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7813 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"at least he did not hit me"

I think I always feared that he would if I stood up for myself. One of those gut things, feared it but didn't look too closely.

He would even say those word, "I never laid a hand on you".

That is now untrue. On April 21st, 2013, I stood up to him. I was feeling so much pain, it was 6month anti of dday #1. I was letting it out and if you knew me, you would know that my worst is really not that bad, I was crying as I was venting.

He came after me, he hurt me, I was bruised and sore with a huge lump on my head from him throwing me into the metal bed frame. I always felt that it was possible. It was the first time I did not back down.

Trust your gut, it is telling the truth.

I was not as clear or strong as I am now. I took part of the blame because I did not back down.

Now I know, the human response from someone that cared about my pain would have been, "I am so sorry that I have caused you this pain". That would have eased it, that is what my heart was screaming for, compassion, empathy, remorse, comfort, "I am sorry that I hurt you, I love you, I will do my best to help you".

I was screaming for comfort from a lizard.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1340 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The abuse part really rings true for me, too, although it's taken me some time to accept it. I guess it's because it means I have to dig into my childhood to heal it at the source.

The experiences you all describe sound so much like mine. My ex even used to randomly explode and destroy things in the house, usually in the middle of the night with a baseball bat. I remember being locked in the bedroom thinking well at least he's not beating me while hearing glass shattering and banging.

I think even fear of his unpredictability was part of the abuse. I felt like I always had to walk on egg shells because I never knew when the next shoe would drop. Now that I've been away from it, I see it was no way to live.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 6:12 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 401 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unpredictability was part of the abuse

Indeed it is - make no mistake!

People who are kept "off balance" are far more easily manipulated.

Sad and evil beings
chained to the chase for a soul.

Inside, nothing

but frantic juddering
from rage to fear
fear to rage
and back
and back
and back

Is it any wonder
they're compelled
to control?

We married the kid
who delighted
in pulling wings off flies,
didn't know you were a butterfly

Fly butterfly!
Fly!


Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, jj, once again, for the beautiful poetry.

I'm so thankful to be able to fly! Or not. My choice now.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7813 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow just wow tribe. Just wow.

I always knew he was capable of beating a human in anger-I saw it when a guy touched me inappropriately and he saw it. He beat the guy up outside the pub. As well as punched the wall because I thought his reaction was over he top.

I haven't thought of that in years! He already viewed me as his property- no wonder he was out of control.

He never hit me - I still say it. Not to justify his behavior but to explain to others that was the only thing he didn't beat/abuse. He went so far to raising his hand to me and I even told him " go ahead, I'll make sure you never see the girls again"! And I meant it. He knew if he crossed that line - I would not keep quiet and there would be repercussions to him and him alone.

Wow, I guess I was a controlling biatch with my concrete wall of physical violence. If he ever crossed it, he was toast. And he would have been

I also realize (now) I gave him an alternate to abuse and still cause me pain-my girls.

I've got to go.... But I'll be thinking about this all day.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to post about apologies.

"I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have done it if you__________".

This is his apology. It's not an apology it's blame shifting to the victim.

Ok got to really go now!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm familiar with the eggshells. I didn't realize I was walking on them until this past year or so.

I can remember saying, over the years, "I'm tired of feeling like I'm being tolerated.".(vs loved)

My WH never hit me either. Never laid a hand one until this past October. I had asked him if I could check his phone, because we were doing the whole transparency thing as he was going NC.

Well, I'm tech savvy and started reading him an email from him to OW thanking her for "supporting his plan to leave Nekorb". We were supposed to be in R and he was supposed to be NC.

As I was reading it, he became furious and when I wouldn't give him the phone grabbed my arm and took it from me. First time ever he laid hands on me in anger. Sad day.


I wish there were not folks in this thread that have endured more than that.

One of these days I may post some details of our whole God and religion issue and get some feedback as to whether or not it would have been a deal breaker for others as well.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Nekorb. Mine never laid a hand either until one incident a week or so before I moved out this past August.

He had gotten back together with OW early August. That's when the legal threats started again. He became nasty and mean and even sent me the meanest texts and emails on my birthday saying I was pathetic and that everyone hated me.

On that particular night, he went out with OW and misplaced his keys. He told me later that she hid them, but who knows.

He couldn't get into the house and started ringing the bell like a madman. When I finally opened the door to let him in, he charged in and left me with a giant shiner on my eye. I raced upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom.

It was terrifying because I'd never seen that from him before. He then called the police to file a complaint that I "stole" his keys. They made him leave, but now I'm thinking he was trying to get the jump on filing a police report.

That was on a Friday night. I went out the very next morning and put a deposit on the first apartment I visited.

Side note, that shiner lasted over 3 months, and the muscle under my eye still isn't quite back to normal.

I'm so glad to be out of there.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 401 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I was re-reading Kajem's post something else came to mind.

We were in Vegas and went to see Tina and Tony's wedding. That's the interactive show where the audience is essentially the guests at the wedding.

Anyway, during one part one of the male actors came over and hugged me, I think it was or gave me a kiss on the cheek or something equally as benign....WH did not like that AT ALL.

I was like, seriously dude? What's the problem? There were a bunch of other folks in the audience receiving the same treatment right about then!

Very possessive. He didn't make a scene or anything and wasn't mad at ME, but was VERY bothered by it.

I've always thought that was strange.

It is strange, right?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex used to sob and yes, vomit, in order to convince me he hadn't done anything, was innocent, blah blah blah. Apparently he's not the only narc to pull the pity card.

http://www.biznews.com/oscar-pistorius-performance-may-prove-mental-state/


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9669 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only heard a bit of his show on the news and DD2 and I looked at each other and said yuck he's faming it!

I'm glad we're in good company.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my Facebook feed tonight. Of course we know that they won't actually ever seek treatment, but all their victims sure seem to end up there...


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7813 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The TRIBE Rocks!

Wow, jj, love your way with words.

Me and WH always used the "he never hit me" as well. But the thing is, that was part of the rationale for why it was okay for him to withdraw when things got emotionally intense between us, because he "didn't know what he might do". And I let that be okay. In return for not being hit, I was willing to be completely disregarded.

It's not an apology it's blame shifting to the victim.

K - Mine apologizes by saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but that is not the way I intended it." It took me forever to realize that gem wasn't actually acknowledging my position, it was blaming ME for feeling that way.

I can remember saying, over the years, "I'm tired of feeling like I'm being tolerated.".(vs loved)

nekorb, I have journal entries saying the exact same thing. ((hugs)) I remember wishing I understood what was so dysfunctional about me.

Yesterday I cried because he sent me several messages about how great things could be if I would let him show me how he's changed. His denial of where we're at is painful, and I've been very clear. He threw his wishes and needs, romantic things we'd shared, in with our separation negotiations, so I was unprepared. I sent him a short response requesting that he resend the negotiations without the emotional appeals, letting him know that the messages had been deleted, and reminding him that if he can't respect these boundaries that he is not trustworthy. Feeling kind of proud of myself.

His words are antifreeze. They seem sweet, but they are toxic. Think I'm going to call him Prestone.

wb2 - That is so true! Thanks for sharing.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prestone! Perfect.

*Words* - it got to the point where I would hear a kind of loud humming when her lips were moving. I think my brain was protecting me...

NG - never cease to be amazed at what you've endured.
Disgusting.


Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


*Words* - it got to the point where I would hear a kind of loud humming when her lips were moving. I think my brain was protecting me...

jj-I hear Charlie Brown's teacher " waa waa waa waa". I had to ask him to repeat what he said so often he told my kids I was going deaf!

I'm sitting here laughing at that!!!!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and then nod sagely, as if you were seriously pondering what you just didn't hear...

Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually I didn't hVe to do that ow/NW would send me an email telling me everything that I agreed to. I'd send him an email stating what he said, and that I never agree to anything he says without thinking it over and now that I've thought or over- here are my thoughts:

I'd get rage filled emails blowing up my mailbox from her. From him usually a small argument then acquiescence on his part!

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 10:33 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


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