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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CH, how wonderful to have the custody evaluation come out so much in your favor! I hope the judge takes the recommendations and puts them all into effect.


Can:

just for today, I am better. I am calmer.

Good for you. One day at a time. One step at a time sometimes.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7791 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one but him thought me suicidal! Crazy maybe but not suicidal.

This is interesting because a few years into my M, the ex sent emails to my closest friend and cousin telling them he was extremely worried I was secretly suicidal.

I had been a little depressed because of a lay off (and had already started a new job), but was never suicidal. He swore them to secrecy initially.

No one in my life before or since has ever thought or said that about me. It's interesting the way they paint us to others by playing on fear.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 395 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quote that popped on my newsfeed:

I'm not crying because of you; you're not worth it. I'm crying because thr delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are. - Steve Maraboli

Thought it great for those coming to realize they are/were being abused.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,

I love Sandra Brown!!! Avoid the triggers, it really is like beating an old wound, it can't heal. Once your healed enough driving by them you won't have the emotions attached to trigger. Time - that blasted 4 letter word!

Rainbows, I've heard so many lies that they have attributed to me - especially now that I've moved away! I'm amazed that I had so much time to do all the things they say I was doing. If anyone looks at things logically - it isn't possible and makes no sense.

^^^^their lies about me used to trigger me hugely. Now when someone (for this example Sue) tells me what was said I laugh and tell Sue she knows the truth, even if she has to think about it a bit.

Seriously, if someone who knows you really
Looks at what they're saying - it's full of holes. All I need to do is remind Sue who she is dealing with.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not crying because of you; you're not worth it. I'm crying because thr delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are. - Steve Maraboli

WOW. That just kind of sums up my marriage, and it's end, right there. I thought WH was this dedicated family man who was in it with me for the long haul, who was honest, and who valued his wife and children above all else.

Boy, was I wrong. Thanks for sharing that.

CH - did I miss when the court date is?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1821 | Registered: Aug 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, so much, everyone.

Nekorb, the court dates aren't until the end of May. So now I guess I sit tight. He won't let me sell this house (he owns half of it). He's demanding half of my non-marital assets, which I can only imagine he will never, ever get.

And then there are the key logger accusations, which I can prove false.

I'm not sure what's next, and I'm not sure what the judge will say after reading the report. The report negates a lot of STBX's craziest smears against me:
I'm controlling (it literally says I am not controlling)
I'm violent (it says there's no way to know, and though it might be possible, my anger is understandable)
It's all my fault that STBX is a SA (it clearly says this is not true, and that this is part of STBX's sickness)
I put debt in his name (says it's not true)
I am conservative, frigid, etc., which turned STBX to S&M porn (says I proved in interviews and testing that this is not true).

I'm forgetting a lot. Basically STBX has called me a frigid, repressed, conservative, over controlling thief who beats him up regularly. Also a cyberstalker who broke criminal laws by using a key logger - he proposed jail time for me. Oh, also an alcoholic! A spendthrift. A spoiled lazy SAHM. And lots more.

I don't know if I would advise people with children to go through a child custody evaluation when divorcing a NPD. It was a terrible nine months, and the cost came out of my retirement and now my children have no college funds. And I had NO idea of what the report would say until I read it.

But the NPD, coupled with the SA dangerous behavior, gave me no choice.

I guess I'll see what happens in court, and then I'll report back. One thing I would love to do is help anyone here who is considering an evaluation. If so, please feel free to PM me (or post questions here). I can describe all of it - how it works, what the interviews are like, what tests are done (not that you can prepare for them), etc.

Thank you, Tribe. I'm sure Genius has more up his sleeve. He will never give up. So time will tell.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 8:28 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Oct 2011
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Hope. You are an amazing person to go through all that then offer to help the rest of us.

I imagine it feels great to see in black and white what you have known all along. You are right, he won't stop.

And neither will you because your path is going to be bright and beautiful. Things will work out for your kids because there are many paths through college. But you have fought the good fight to protect them.. Bravo my friend.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2625 | Registered: Jan 2010
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CH - I am thankful that I won't have to go through with that process...as far as I can tell!

I hope this is one of those things that ten years from now you look back and say, "that was worth every freaking penny.".

(((Hugs)))


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1821 | Registered: Aug 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone, long time listener, first time caller. Haven't posted here before because not sure I really fit in. Someone suggested I pose my questions here anyway. Some of you know my story. Some probably do not. It's long and complicated but the gist of it is my mother displays many NPD traits and had an A (supposedly others as well) that blew my family apart and has never shown any remorse. I'm left dealing with the aftermath 25 years later. I've been in IC for just over 2 months now. I feel I need to have a day of reckoning with my mother for what she has done. I know, I know, what you are all thinking!!! Why bother if she's NPD? Why not just cut her out?

First, my W has a good point on cutting her out. If I cut her out completely it will only add to my mountain of guilt I already carry around. I guess I already have too much and I'm no looking to pick up more. Although as a consequence for what I'm planning I may end up cutting her out anyway. It's not off the table yet.

Second, why bother having a confrontation? True that it will either fall on deaf ears or it will get twisted all around and be about how I don't love her. The latter is more than likely what will happen since that's her m.o. It's always about how I don't love her. She'll probably say some blah blah blah shit about me abandoning her. Anyway, my C's analogy is a lot like a victim statement being read at a sentencing for a murderer. She has already sentenced herself, so this would be the first time something is about me and not her. I don't really care about her reaction or lack of reaction. I have a deep need to hold her accountable for what she did to my father, my brother, myself, and my family. I would regret going to my grave and not saying to her all the things I want to say regardless if she hears it or not. No one has ever held her accountable and I feel it falls to me to do so. My C says that getting this out will be my first step in healing and getting past the rage. This is a way for me to get it out so that I can move past. I don't feel a letter would suffice as I want to look her in the eyes when I do this.

Anyway, to my question. I have a thread in JFO on how I'm starting to plan out her Day of Reckoning with me. I'm not looking for an a-ha lightening bolt solution. My mother has attempted suicide before. The last time she attempted it was the real deal in that she took all her pills a few days after I moved out to another state. My xgf found her and she lived. I deliberately did not go see her in the hospital as I could see what this was about. I waited a few weeks and then went home to see her. Yeah, I know. Probably a mistake that I went to see her at all but she is my mother and I do care. That caring part is why I ask this question. I'm trying to play out all the scenarios in how this confrontation should go and I see that post confrontation, or maybe even during if it gets extreme, she may attempt suicide again. Any thoughts on how I may be able to handle this? Anyone else deal with an NPD that went the suicide route?

My C says that she should have someone of her choice there for support and should probably schedule an IC session for her afterwards. I know she goes to a psychiatrist as she has a pillbox the size for a foot locker that she carries around. Much good it does her. Just not sure how to handle this part as I'm afraid it wont' happen if I tip her off ahead of time. Which, as a consequence, if she does not allow this meeting to happen then she will be cut out of my life until she does. I want this to happen at her place, not in public, and I'm taking my wife with me. There is no time table for this, but my C says I don't want to wait forever so that I can try and move past my rage.

Like I said, difficult situation and I'm not expecting much here. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Sorry for the length.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey yop *waves*

I've been thinking about your post, after reading in the other thread the other day.

I think that you stand the best chance of being heard if you appeal to your mothers narcissistic sense of self. You've known her 40 years.... although ytou have distanced over the course of your adult life you would not how to get to her yes?

Perhaps your Mrs YOP might have an idea on that angle?

T/J My WH psych evaluations are on file here, at the martial home. I have access to them. Should I make copies 'for a rainy day'. Part of me thinks that is really wrong... but my compass has been scewed due to recent events end T/j


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CH)))

What a relief it must have been to be validated. I bet court will get easier for you now that the judge can see in black and white what's really going on.

Sad-

T/J My WH psych evaluations are on file here, at the martial home. I have access to them. Should I make copies 'for a rainy day'. Part of me thinks that is really wrong... but my compass has been scewed due to recent events end T/j

I would make copies of every and any thing that may help you down the road. You may never need them, but it would be better to have them in case you do.

I regret not making copies of certain documents when I had the chance.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 9:08 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 395 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks rainbows... I appreciate it


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make the copies, they are his evaluations. If it ever comes up he will be asked questions and he can lie- you'll have copies of the truth! Keep it in a file marked just in case.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YoP25,

I sent you a pm.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that Kajem. Much appreciated.

Sadmumma, thanks for the welcome.

I think that you stand the best chance of being heard if you appeal to your mothers narcissistic sense of self.

Perhaps your Mrs YOP might have an idea on that angle?

I read that to Mrs yop and she says "Well the one thing your mom does do very well is she is an excellent baker. Except she shit in the batter when she made this batch of cookies. I'm still trying to get the shit out of my cookie (meaning me). Maybe we could shit in some brownies and take them to the day of reckoning for her?"

I'll have to think on that some more. Not a bad idea though.

ETA - Sorry. I suppose that was a bit crass.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:39 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sass, crass, my ass. I don't care!
Was at an art show with my DS, you know I had to think of (((Tribe))) when I saw this!
.
.
.

.
.
.
annnnd...kinda skeezy:
.
.
.

Posts: 6489 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And did you buy that cheery Soulsucka plaque??

I'm guessing not.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7791 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOT!
(neither of 'em!)

Posts: 6489 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP. That is so funny.. I like your wife's humour.

Kareem, thanks, Ill definitely make copies. Better to have them and not need them than regret.

JJCT. Maybe the hallmark could make the top one Into greeting cards...


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mum, (on the cover): "If your phone doesn't ring...
(inside): ...it's me." lol

Posts: 6489 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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