[This message edited by nekorb at 6:47 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]
I'm with Nekorb on this. You see the problem and are doing your darnedest to NOT repeat family history. You have your W on board with not repeating history.
My narc mother was visiting for Easter (as were 3/4 of my kids) and we had this conversation about repeating family history. Mom parented as she was parented, which was in an alcoholic abusive situation. Lots of codependent issues, favored child(not mom) she left at 17, eventually emigrating to the US. Met my dad, also from a alcoholic family, got married, and had me and my brothers.
I grew up with abuse, closet alcoholic issues, and codependent is my middle name! At 21 years of marriage dad walked out for OW.
I met XH the night my dad left for ow. We married, moved 1200 miles away, and started a family. XH's family is very different than mine, no hitting, lots of talking, everyone having a say in family discussions.
I wanted my kids growing up like XH did, with respect. Abusing someone shows you have no respect for them. I have raised 4 kids- I can count on 2 hands (not using all of my fingers) how many times I've hit them. All but 2 were when they were toddlers. My mom hit me more than that in a week.
She acknowledges my kids are good human beings, care about me, respect me... And wonders why her kids don't make much of an effort to visit,call, or see to her well being. Even the golden child has little to do with her, he has little to do with any of us.
It was interesting having parenting conversations with her, now that my kids are essentially grown and almost all are on their own. She can't see the difference her actions caused to her relationships with her kids. Typical NPD.
You won't repeat your mothers parenting, and that's a wonderful gift for your children.
Also wanted to thank all of you. I have been reading the NPD threads for some time as well as doing other research on various sites. Last night I had a confrontation with the narcissist on the upcoming day of reckoning I'm planning on having with her. I swear she pulled every play from the narcissist play book. From self pity party to threats and everything in between it was able to stand up to her and shove it back in her face. She knows she's been exposed to others now and she's freaking out. She has one play left where she could commit suicide to get her last word in. We'll see how it goes.
Anyway I really wanted to thank all of you fine people. I was very well prepared and thinking on my feet.
Let go of the outcome.
Kajem - Your practical advice about how to approach his behavior with the kids was really helpful! Thank you so much.
prestone blew up over the weekend because he missed out on celebrating our oldest's birthday. Yeah, it was all about how he missed out on the celebration, not whether our oldest wanted him there or not or how he could have contributed or anything. Then, I was almost amazed at how quickly it turned into MY fault, how quickly the story changed into how everything is my fault. HE was the one who said he was going to come Saturday, regardless of when we were going to celebrate. Ugh. Then he kept telling me when he saw me, "You look so sad." ?! I am sure he's feeling really great about how sad he thinks I am. Whatever. I guess if he's feeling successful, then maybe I'll get some air while I work things out with my L so we can get this over with!
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.
Don't let the turkeys get you down!
Should be our motto.
YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!!!!!
Don't let his rewriting, twisting, manipulating, and circumventing change the very simple fact that YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!
K - Thanks for the reminder. I guess I can be grateful that he's consistently being a turkey.
QA you are doing great and remember it is his shit to own not yours!
[This message edited by GreatRoleModel at 6:04 PM, April 28th, 2014 (Monday)]
I've been wondering about you! What's been going on, etc.! Nice to see you!
v, someone mentioned you on the boards and I spent a pleasant trip in memory lane. Glad you are around and well!!!
tribe mates, special people.
So glad you're doing well. Thank you for coming back and giving us hope.
I'm nearing my third year of this divorce. Cannot wait until I'm four years away from it all.
Something in the air... maybe I should be tracking this on my calendar. If it is cyclical, I might be able to predict the next one.
"oh please high and mighty glorious father please come to my induction since it will reflect back upon how great a dad you are since I am being honored for the intelligence you have bestowed upon me thru your DNA"
V - Thank you for sharing! Think I needed a reminder of the light at the end of the tunnel to keep moving forward tonight. I've been sort of dragging my feet, wishing I could just quietly disappear with the kids and have it all be over, but I'll get up tomorrow and be the grown up and get back to getting this done.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
This morning, such an aha! so damn simple, so obvious but I was not seeing it.
Why would I expect that I would be able to convince him of who I really am? Why does it matter what he thinks or believes about me???
Why would I need validation from a psychopath?
This quote, a bit crude but funny, just made it so clear for me. From a woman in her late 60's, recovering from 35 years of life with a narc.
"Why would I take my emotional temperature in the ass of a psychopath?"
I laughed out loud and realized, she is so right, their thoughts and words and opinions are distorted, manipulative, down right crazy! Why do I care???
I think it might just come down to really believing that they are psychotic, they really are, that is who they are. Don't listen, they will never change!
Now I think I will use the visual to help with the intrusive thoughts. If nothing else it will make me laugh.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
You gonna dress up?
It's gotta be a zebraduck doncha know!