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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is something: My L and STBX's L and now both trying to manage STBX because they both realize he is out of whack.

I am so glad this has happened! I like to think they will work to get you a fair and equitable settlement. I felt the wind go out of x's lawyers sail when he found out XH was lying to him. He wasn't coming at me with guns blazing anymore. It helped.

You're in my thoughts little foggy.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4979 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, K is da bomb!
2 people you should absolutely not lie to:
- your doctor
- your lawyer

You should ask me how I know!

It's too long a story to put here though -
you'll have to get here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=529929

before I regale the table with my tales.


Posts: 6482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((jj)))))

Not being from Texas, in what city is this g2g being held?

Might be fun to get a tribal pow wow together... 🍻🔥🍻

[This message edited by Kajem at 7:29 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4979 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad things worked out for you, LF! I had a similar experience with the ex and his lawyer. First of all, the ex never told his lawyer that I filed because there was a second instance of domestic violence. So when he immediately went in for joint physical custody my lawyer pulled out my medical report so he was kind of left there with his mouth open. In the end, his lawyer was a little scared of him after the ex had an epic screaming meltdown on the phone because he thought he was paying too much child support.

*Edited because I went back and re-read about custody. Yeah, girl, stick to your guns.

[This message edited by veritas at 9:33 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A tribal pow wow sounds like a great idea! Beach chairs and umbrellas? Margueritas?

I would love to do something so out of the ordinary. If I had enough notice, maybe.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1304 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A get together sounds really nice. This makes me wonder what you all do to restore yourselves. Any good tricks you'd care to share?

I am feeling worn pretty thin. I'm ignoring Prestone, but he's testing every mode of communication to try and get me to respond. I'm not reading the messages. Maybe I will tomorrow if I am feeling like I want to. We're supposed to meet this weekend to discuss upcoming events and how we're going to handle them. I have an agenda and told him it is for one hour. I will leave after one hour regardless of what we get accomplished. I've been working hard on this upcoming move for me and the kids and I had a lightning bolt of realization today. He has probably decided to get in the way of the ONE thing he knows I want right now: the move. It is already such a tricky thing for me, but I hate it here, I have no support, and I just want to move home. My kids hate it here, their schools (picked randomly by Prestone) are not the best by any stretch, and they want to be closer to family. He was pushing the move for months, and now won't discuss it. At least I have thought of that now instead of being blindsided by it later. Ugh.

{whispering - Right now in this moment, I hate him. I hate how much he's taken from me and just keeps sucking my time, my safety, and my energy away. I hate that he enjoys being such a barrier in my life. I wish he would just leave me alone forever.}

Oh yeah, I'm not sure I will ever feel comfortable talking to my priest again because Prestone has apparently told him that I was only interested in depraved sexual activities even after Prestone was trying to recover. It's a line he's tried to feed me before, but I called, screamed, and tagged BS. From the priest, I got a very gently worded lecture about intimate activities that help relationships and those that hurt relationships. I can't even begin to tell you how mortified I am about THAT whole situation, or, well, I guess I did, but that is all I want to share about that. Is there no limit???


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((Quakingaspen)))))))))

I would be hard pressed not to write a letter to the priest explaining in detail how he was manipulated by prestone's view of things. He shouldn't be so quick to judge!!!!

I didn't take my priest to task when he tried to blame me for XH having to go outside of the marriage, because you know his needs weren't being met (wink wink) in the marriage. And a wife has certain obligations to her husband, blah blah blah.

I walked out of that church and haven't set foot in it again. I found a better church for my kids and I. And it was 'home' for us for many years- still is when we visit.

The idiot in our old church sits on the annulment tribunal. I wonder what he'll think when my annulment comes up. He was named as counseling us!

Something to remember with NPD if you answer his 1001th call he knows it takes 1001 calls before you pick up the phone!
Same goes true for every boundary, they take crossing them as a challenge. Be prepared to do what you need to keep your boundaries reinforced.

jj posted a g2g invite details in the fun & games forum (bottom of the forum page). For sept or October. There are other g2gs posted so keep an eye on that forum. Besides it's a good place to find a giggle or 3, especially on Fridays. Stupid picture Friday is one of my favorite posts each week.

I'm trying for Texas in October. Last time I went to a Texas g2g was Houston 2013, I had a blast! Need that again!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4979 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning this was on my newsfeed



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4979 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Little foggy,

Thinking of you today. We're with you in spirit. Think of us sitting behind you supporting you.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4979 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did a lot of reading to get caught up and wasn't paying attention to dates - is today Little Foggy's second round with the mediator?

(((LittleFoggy)))

We are going around and around trying to get a date set up to meet with our attorneys and see if we can come to an agreement. The attys talked a couple of days ago and mine said to his,"you need to control your client during this meeting." At that point, WH's atty shared that he is pushing her around! My L gave her some advice on how to handle him. AYFKM right now?

My favorite part of my convo with my L was:

"He needs to understand this is not his world. Contrary to what people have led him to believe up to this point, the world does not revolve around him.".

'Nuff said.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Aug 2013
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe,

Thanks for the thoughts!

The Ls managed to hash out a settlement on a temporary basis. Yay!

His L looked beat down. At one point, I don't think he thought he was going to make it. He says to my L "What would you do if I said that we are going to have to go to trial anyway?" and my L was like "I have an email saying we have an agreement and I printed it".

STBX was running through every little thing 5x over. And then we almost got snagged on CS. I negotiated away some child care expenses so I wouldn't have to pay spousal support, but not the CS. He needed to look over the CS worksheet, too.

My L said that his L's office was really frustrated with STBX. The Ls can tell that he is very angry at me.

In the end, I get a schedule and CS.

I am in a weird place. I am relieved. I am also kinda freaking out. I have to hand DD to him for overnights. I am happy to have time for me, but I also want to shield DD from STBX as much as I can. And I have a schedule. Oh, glorious, schedule.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2013
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

littlefoggy

one more step forward for you. I am glad that it went better today.

I just cannot imagine how hard this must be when you have children together.

Now you can breathe for a while.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1304 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you're on your way towards resolution littlefoggy!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes the best things come from what we couldn't see was best.

XH wanted 50/50 custody and he lived 2hours away. It was granted because he lived so far away to do it. When they moved closer (5 miles) I was in a panic sharing my kids. Older 2 did it for about 2-3 months then reverted back to EOW. He dropped the ball on getting them to their activities, having a negative impact on their grades. Younger 2 did 1week 1week. Youngest spent more time with him - she follows the money trail and is his little mommy.

If they continued EOWE they would not get the chance to see him for who he is!!! That is huge!!!

LF sit with this, it's still new. I am so glad that he's showing himself to others. I know it doesn't help you, but I do hope you feel validated.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4979 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes the best things come from what we couldn't see was best.

Amen, K!

I had a good talk with my DD the other night. She really opened up and was very chatty about things that are troubling her at her dad's. She was saying that she feels like her dad is "trying to buy her love". That he gives her everything she asks for and lets her do whatever she asks. She said, "He never tells me no. Shouldn't he be like setting limits or something? Shoudln't parents say no sometimes?"

I love that she is seeing his bullshit antics for what they are.

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm finding the GREED element of this process with WH bizarre and disappointing.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Aug 2013
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, nekorb, the greed is astounding, isn't it?

The NPD will fight tooth and nail over everything. It is just a game to them. A game they are not willing to lose.

This is a game to destroy you. Emotionally, physically, financially.

The NPD will spend $5000 to get something worth $50. As long as you don't get it...


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it would be so great to have a NPD survivor gtg as suggested. i think i am doing okay (but have nowhere reached indifference, still full of anger) and it would be really fab to meet all of you, because really we are all doing great and that would be so nice to see all together in one place. And to see collectively that point that kajem posted embodied in us all...

Somebody (probably Wiseman jjct) used the phrase that our NPDs spot us like a lion spots a wounded gazelle, and that is to some extent true (my NPD spotted my ACoAP overcaretaking vulnerabilities) but I would add that he also spotted my energy, zest for life, capacity for empathy and love of people and wanted a bit (all) of that, so it was my life giving qualities he wanted to feed upon/ borrow/ steal but he used my achilles heels to trap me.

In my case it was very much the frog in boiling water analogy - I suspect for most NPD survivors - the water took a while to reach life threatening temperatures, and the heating up felt anyway normal to me because of FOO.

So, i reckon if we had a gtg we would get together with a lot of amazing people, so amazing it is we are our NPDs wanted what we had and spent much time leeching it from us.

I suspect that the airfare would be beyond current circumstances but a gtg a nice thought. I am very delighted by the many recent successes here, most recently Little Foggy's. What a great bunch of people you all are.

[This message edited by Edie at 12:56 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5030 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

on gtg's: the more the merrier - especially Tribe!

foggy - just be prepared to document his disrespect for any "schedule". Document it 3 ways from Sunday without telling him of course.
You can present it at any future modification.
Anticipate it.
Anticipating it will prepare you.
Think long-range.
He will do it. It's all about power.
So, instead of being upset, deep inside you'll know - he's playing into your hands. Plan for it.
In fact, when he sees you're not upset - as he expects - he'll get suspicious.
Most people have video capabilities in their pockets nowadays. The only question I have is how many megabytes of evidence you'll have when you go for modification.

w2 - ahh man. That warmed me. You're a great mom! May she continue growing - and seeing the light!

QA - I'm sorry I wasn't around earlier! Please let us know how it went.

Very kind of you Edie - wish I could take credit for the gazelle thing. It's one of those things I've forgotten who the originator was. It's *ours* now.

can, and anybody that can make it,
first funny umbrella-looking-pretty-sipper is on me!


Posts: 6482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG. Somebody find me some duct tape to keep my head from flying apart.

What kind of man can't let his kids choose some movies to keep (aka become my property) from a collection of over 1000 movies??

What the hell???

This whole thing just pisses the ever living shit out of me.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Aug 2013
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