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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault and Kajem, thanks for the additional comments. More later.

Right now my thoughts are with nekorb. I have been following the situation with your DD. The story of my brother is similar. You know you are doing the right thing and protecting her as much as you can.

I will be thinking of both of you today. Sending courage and strength your way.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to nekorb and honesttoafault!!
I have always been afraid of the consequences of me standing up for myself.

Right now, I've finally stood up for my kids, and am terrified.

I know how this feels. It took me tons of therapy to finally stand up to mine. I had fears in my gut of how awful he'd be. He exceeded those fears in some ways. I survived!!! Hang in there.

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Aug 2010
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nekorb))) Praying for you and sending good, powerful energy.


wb2 - Thanks for the mad face, I keep forgetting that I am allowed to be mad sometimes and act accordingly. Prestone played a hard victim when I wasn't even mad so much that I just stopped letting mad be an option.

K - Thanks. I am breathing again. I spent the afternoon making posters with my 12-year-old about things to do that make us feel better to post in the kitchen for reminders. I'm also preparing my paperwork for the L tomorrow. Crossing my fingers that this one will finally be exactly what I need so we can get this over with.

Yes, I am terrified of the consequences of him finally realizing that when I said I wanted a divorce, I meant it and I'm going forward with it. It seems to have dragged on forever, the terror, and I realized that he's just doing it on purpose, to make me doubt myself, to get what he can while he can. Time to put on my boots and get this done.

And there is no way he's welcome at Mother's Day. fml


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. Leaving the house shortly to meet with L prior to everyone sitting down together.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wishing you luck, courage and strength nekorb.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nekorb, update when you are able. Thinking of you.

QA, I love this:

I spent the afternoon making posters with my 12-year-old about things to do that make us feel better to post in the kitchen for reminders.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7804 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nekorb, I hope it went well.

I survived a nine-month custody eval with a NPD who engages in some pretty awful and dangerous sexual activities. PM if you have questions.

It's funny, today I felt guilty and wondered if I was doing the right thing. Then I thought about the potential risks to my children if I gave STBX half custody. I could never live with myself if I put my children at risk at all. Some people take this risk (co-dependency and weakness) but you are better and stronger than that.

You need to protect your child. It may not be pleasant, but you can do it. I did, and if I could do it, anyone could.



Posts: 1667 | Registered: Oct 2011
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all -

Here's an update.

Right now I don't know if I'm mad or anxious or furious or mad or...well, you get the idea!!

Right off the bat we addressed the issue of the Dr. Saying the home environment is toxic. His atty tried to say I was the one that made it toxic by telling the kids about the affair. I think I held my own. My atty didn't interrupt me so I must have done ok. We took a break after that and the mood lightened considerably for the remainder of the meeting. It was weird.

Now all those things are coming to mind that I wish I had said!

It was basically a couple of hours of posturing by both sides.
We need to exchange some information. Nothing concrete was established.

I knew it was going to be frustrating. It was.

I don't know what to do with all this energy/emotion. I was so hoping that we would at least elicit an agreement from WH to vacate immediately.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Nekorb)))))))

Have you talked to your attorney about your goal of having him vacate the home?

I'm sorry things didn't get resolved to end the toxicity in your home.

Many hugs,
K

All that energy needs to go somewhere, can you hit a picture of his face on a pillow? Trying to think of quiet ways to do this as not to wake the children. If you don't care about that..... Vacuuming around his bed when he's asleep might give him the gumption to move out!

A girl can dream.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem - yes my atty knows we NEED him out of the house.

No legal recourse at the moment but we are getting there. I really hope it doesn't come to that. I hope that part of him that, prior to the A, was a great dad shines through and puts the needs of the kids above his own.

My atty gave me a little pep talk today. He said I did really well yesterday, even if I didn't feel like I did.

The more I process it, I think the thing that bothers me about it is that WH's atty triggered me with the blame shifting and my brain shut down and my boundaries crumbled around me. I held my own, but I felt attacked and unsure of myself, you know? Just something I need to work on, I guess.

How is everyone else doing tonight?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm doing ok this morning. Everyone else?

Nekorb, good for you sifting thru your feelings to find out the what happened and why it happened? And a huge hug for realizing it - takes an extra strong person to go thru the emotions so soon after. Half the battle is being aware.

Once you are aware, you will never be unaware again.

Hugs.
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nekorb)))
Going off your tagline - when He was here, he got angry twice.
- once when His Father was dissed (moneychangers)
- once when his buds were dissed (gleaning grain)

iow, when OTHERS were threatened.

I'm sending you strength dear nekorb - strength and PERMISSION to tap in to that core of anger and use it to protect your 3 precious "others."
Cold. Certain. In Control.
You got this (((nekorb)))

The only 'crumbling' around nekorb-casa is when we gtg to celebrate with a cake when this is finished!

You got this.

K - zebraductbill

(((Tribe)))


Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for asking Kajem...I am not as Mother's Day is always hard for me. I lost my mom as a child and was emotionally abandoned by my father. All I ever wanted was to belong to a family.

I screwed that up by marrying FT, which is a whole other ball of wax.

What is bothering me today is DD19. She is moving in a few weeks, but has been living with me for the month before. This time she had a run in with her father and his nutty GF because she "borrowed" GF car to drive to the store to get food. According to her GF had all sorts of control issues over the kitchen and controlling her diet. I think I buy that part, due to stories DD16 tells me and my own limited experience with GF.

I can't get over the joyriding in the car without permission which is stealing and a felony. Of course NPD and GF decided this wasn't an issue I should know about her and be involved in the obvious corrections she needs in her thinking.

This kid has zero respect for anybody.

She started out OK in my home this time, and was actually nice for a week. It has slowly unraveled as she gets more surly and disrespectful to me. Small things but she is a guest in my home. I should have never had her back here, I know. I have a bad case of toxic hope. How does one give up on a kid?

Anyway, I found a book on the floor and opened it up and it was her journal. I read it.

OMG, according to her I am an abusive, control freak, nasty, selfish woman and horrible mother. She expresses hatred for me over and over. The vitriol aimed at me made me almost physically ill. Every incident she was writing about had to do with discipline after stealing from me, so her diatribes about me are about 10 months apart for the last 3-4 years. No mention of what caused me to discipline her however.... And no mention of the hundreds of kind and giving things I have done for her over the years.

In her world she behaves as she wishes, and she tries to manipulate. However, if I question her or hold her accountable all hell breaks loose. She is incredibly jealous of her sister.

I have shut down after reading that journal. I don't have anything more to say to her other than good luck moving 500 miles away. I don't want to be around her at all. Fortunately she is on a trip with some friends and will only be here 3 more days before she moves.

I am so sad for her. She must be just miserable inside to be acting like this. I have been nothing but loving toward her this month, and in the past. In fact, I have gone way out of my way for her due to the move. Nothing I say will change this mess. But I am doubting myself as a mother. Was I bad mother to her??

I attribute this the 3-4 years of constant alienation from her father toward me, and now the GF. She mentions in the journal her dad a bunch...seems he was her friend not her dad. I am the bitch for actually caring enough about her to parent her. She mentions how her dad changed when GF moved in and how now there all these rules and requirements.

She moves on her bday. She hasn't given me as much as a card of phone call for my last 2 birthdays and "forgot" to bring her Christmas presents this year. She never mentioned Mother's Day to me. I am not getting her a thing for her birthday....and I feel petty. Slap me for that.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2651 | Registered: Jan 2010
Ashland13
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everybody,

Sorry to butt in but I have similar issues with DD11.5. So I wanted to write to chime in with my 2 cents and express condolences. It's so hard when it's kids.

I don't know if anyone will agree or not, but something I think lately is that NPD could possibly be a natural way for people to grow up. One reason that I think this lately is because there are so many. All ages, all types of people and kids.

In my psyche class we had once to discuss "NPD" vs "ego centricism" and with kids, the majority of class tried to use the latter because it is a nicer term.

As parents we work to de-program this behavior but what I've learned is that when one parent does not back the other, we have a collision in the hemisphere-home. That happened with my parents and it happened with Perv, who cannot tolerate any type of drama, unless it's his own "circus". This is prevelant in his family too, as major rug sweepers that they are.

My daughter now does not have me as the buffer when she visits him and Ow and is starting to see the forest through the trees. Since I am the parent with boundaries, I am the "bad guy". But, she trusts me more because she knows exactly what I will say or do and I am routinely and he is not, so she can believe in a schedule when she is with me, even it's boring.

Also, this is a new thought for me, but I've come to think that any true NPD person is almost in need of a villian in their lives so that the things they do that are wrong they can have someone to blame. The boundary person.

The problem is that with so many of this personality among us, it's hard to imagine we are ok as the other parent. It's really messed with my head at times but I'm better now and wanted to say to all of you struggling with it, stick to your guns. I've eased off on DD11.5 a little and it's better, where we're not bf's but she comes to me and chats now. I've never read her journals but imagine I have a large witches hat and broom that I fly around on instead of sweep.

Sorry for long entries. This is a subject near and dear to my heart.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chrys and Ashland)))

And hugs to anyone else who is struggling on Mothers' Day weekend.

Chrysalis, I think you are doing the right thing by letting her go. Without any fanfare. Releasing her to try to make it on her own may be just what she needs to realize what she once had. Tough love for this manipulative child. Yep.

NPD person is almost in need of a villian in their lives so that the things they do that are wrong they can have someone to blame. The boundary person.

I think is probably quite true.

I had a little set-to with my DD15 this morning. I was doing housework, and she was sitting on her butt. I asked her to vacuum the livingroom, and she did it, but the next time I asked her to give me a hand, she gave me grief. I made her go to her room. After a half hour or so I went in and said to her, "I hope you are giving some thought as to why you are giving me grief about helping with housework on Mothers' Day weekend..."

She came out after a bit with her present for me all wrapped and a card. She had put on a new attitude, and actually pitched in to help.

I worry about her. She is very ego-centric, but then again she is 15.

But I worry that she could become the female version of her father.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7804 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a way, I think "letting go" is more about showing tough love - to yourself!

If "letting go" is wise with
- outcomes (telling the other BS)
- NPD's and other toxics
- yop))) FOO, child-to-parent
- it is wise from parent-to-child at times
(though I think ^^that one is the toughest one of all).

Agree w/ w2 here: Chrysalis, I think you are doing the right thing by letting her go...Releasing her...

Also, don't buy-into good/bad disordered stinkin-thinkin. You, me, we all
did the best we could.

I'm thinking of a physical analogy that might help. Holding on is a closed fist. Flexed fingers.
Some things in truth, are either/or.
Muscles are either contracted or relaxed. In terms of doing, or action, or energy - they can only do one thing - contract. Grip. Hold on.
When they are relaxed, technically, & in reality - they are not doing anything. They are relaxed.
I think that's why letting go is emotionally relaxing, and the best play for our peace of mind.

(((Moms of the Tribe)))


Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms here!

Wishing us ALL (moms and non-moms alike!) a peaceful day today.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((Chrysallis and Ashland)))))))))))

It is so tough to deal with the devaluing from your partner, having to deal with your kid parroting the devaluing is a trigger on a good day, and a way of life all over again on a bad day or days.

How does one give up on a kid?

I don't know how. DD 4 (19) is her fathers friend, confidant, parent, and golden child. While she's been horrible at times, they haven't escalated to the extent of Chrysallis's DD.

I don't think you give up, I think you let go and if you can - let go with love knowing that she refused to learn the lessons you tried to teach her. You've done the best you can at the time, with the information you had. Some people HAVE to learn life lessons the hard way. Pray she learns those lessons in the gentlest ways life has to offer. If not the lesson will repeat (it always does) with harsher consequences.

She will come in contact with people who will not put up with what you have and she will have opportunity to change. All you can ( and should do IMHO) do is let it go and pray. Let her contact you, stop reaching out unless needed. I started doing this with DD4 after thanksgiving and Christmas when she couldn't be bothered. It was hurting too much, for my sanity, I needed to let go, and pray-cause that's what I do when I feel no control.

Chrys, was she like this as a kid? If no, then time and space away from unicorn Narc Fartland will be a good thing for her. If she was like this- lessons will either teach her the error of her ways or she'll take the narckiness into hiding- not necessarily a bad thing. Boundaries are a very good thing for you either way. Reinforce them where she's concerned until YOU feel she earned your trust back.

Great big mama hugs to you today,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, this is a new thought for me, but I've come to think that any true NPD person is almost in need of a villian in their lives so that the things they do that are wrong they can have someone to blame. The boundary person.

Funny thing Ashland, I've been redoing my NARP modules and clearing out some stuff has unearthed other (lessor) issues to deal with. (Isn't that always the way?) anyway, a memory came up about someone I spent 1 year working with, she had to create the office scapegoat to keep her looking good to management. If the you didn't follow along you might find your name on her "hit list". Guess who didn't follow along? it still took her sneaking into my files and screwing with them (then denying it) to cause management lay me off. She had to fix my files when I left. Serves her right!

Anyway, my kids have said NW has a "hit" list.

Yes, I believe that they have a common enemy and when that enemy is defeated ( so to speak) another needs to take their place.

Good thinking and observation.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't comment or add to my story much anymore. NC maintained except for absolute necessary emails. I also have one way to hold him accountable, a copy to someone that holds his future and reputation in his hands. I know how to play his game and the resources I am given.

Taking him back to court now I have proof off his "making me suffer and not doing anything when he should". I can't expect much except for the two things I really need to happen, anything else will be gravy.

The stories I hear brings a smile to my face and even if I am his horrible ex wife.

He may be mad, but I got what I needed, finally and his boss knows what an awful person he is, which I know he can't stand.

I know you aren't supposed to feed the beast, but oh it feels so good when you get a small win and know you pissed them off because they were forced to do something they had no intention of doing without having some control over you. Remember, we know them like many will never, and we also know their weaknesses.


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