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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need help with a response...quick back story my DD16 has stopped visitation to his house in March but when she spoke with him she did say she wanted a relationship still and even discussed vacation in June and spending Memorial weekend with him and her sister. She was going to reach out for dinners too, NOT cut him out completely. Well guess how he took it...has taken it to mean she wants no relationship with him and has gone silent on her and expects her to make the first move. So DD14 has still been going over but is not thrilled and he is struggling how to relate to her. Well I received an email today and not sure how to respond. This is the email:

Hi,
When can you meet live. I'm in town all week. Probably need 30 min. If you have options I'll work my calendar. Thx.

I then asked what is this pertaining to and this is his response:

Various child support topics. Most efficient if live. All the co parenting books say live is best for issues of context. Following the experts. Let me know what works Thx.

I do not want to meet him in person. He wants me to fix the relationship with the kids and that is not my responsibility anymore except to support them and validate their feelings and encourage them to reach out if they choose to. I am leaning towards saying if this is related to DD16 and your relationship then I suggest you reach out to her IC who is the expert regarding our DD and your relationship. Otherwise you can email me any questions or concerns. Another option is meet with him with DD's IC in her office but need to check with her if that is possible.

What say you tribe??


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the co parenting books say live is best for issues of context. Following the experts.

Has "Re-parenting With a Lower Muppet" been written yet?
I like how All the books agree with him, don't you?

Ummm No. Stick to your guns. There's a very good reason you don't want to meet him in person. Keep it to email.
The times I'm aware of - that there's a meeting in the IC's office - brings further trauma to the kids (from what I've read), so, not a great idea either.

wontdefineme - Glad you have some power AND a smile!


Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants me to fix the relationship with the kids and that is not my responsibility anymore except to support them and validate their feelings and encourage them to reach out if they choose to

Correct and correct.

Following the experts

Well, the experts here can smell this ambush from a mile away.

Do NOT meet with him in person. I would suggest 2 options for this particular communication need of his...

1. Please send me an email outlining your concerns.

or

2. Please contact my attorney with any child support issues or concerns.

You could also go with *crickets*...


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7803 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We definitely need to write

Reparenting with a lower muppet.

Do not meet him. Be busy. Have him outline his request in email to your attorney.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5776 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said child support issues, that means money in my book!

Has anything changed in the finance area? I think your kids not visiting has him scrounging for ways to NOT have to pay extra CS to you. And he'll want to keep it just between the 2 of you.. You know the super secret handshake agreement that he'll forget as soon as it doesn't benefit him.

No response needed. It's his responsibility to deal with his kids on his time. Not your problem to take on- it might hurt your relationship with your kids.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

has him scrounging for ways to NOT have to pay extra CS to you

I thought of that too, K.

It would be funny to watch him squirm if GRM sent him a text that said, "Oh, yes, I've been meaning to get in touch with you. With you not having visitation, we should discuss a CS increase."

But we don't really want to poke the bear.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7803 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But we don't really want to poke the bear.

I'm feeling frisky today. I would poke him for you GRM.
With a zebra duct tape poker!

I think it's best you talk to your attorney, and then advise him to talk to your legal eagle. My attorney drummed it into my head visitation has nothing to do with child support. UNLESS one parent has all of the parenting time- that parent deserves compensation if the agreed upon visitation is not happening.

Your dd not going has changed the visitation percentages that CS was based on. You may be entitled to an increase!

Any changes in CS needs to be handled by attorneys, he can start there.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said the zebra duct tape was mine....

But I can share.

[This message edited by nekorb at 9:33 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses..knew I could count on the brilliance and expertise of the tribe. I texted to get clarification on what he meant by "child support issues" and his response was

There is nothing deceitful here, either you want to talk about our perspectives on the kids or you do not. No other intentions. Its nothing financial if that is what you are worried about.

He has terrible word choices in his emails that is why I always ask for clarification...amazing that he is a top level executive in a major corporation. So my first instinct was right he wants me to repair the relationship with the kids. BTW he made too much money so was off the charts for CS no formula was used. I am not going to meet him and request that he share his perspective in an email if he wants but my response will not change. It is his responsibility to manage his relationship with the kids not mine but will encourage the kids to reach out to him. I have said this repeatedly to him and have been very consistent.

I so want to poke the bear but know it will only cause more circular conversations and I have had my fill for a life time. Nekorb please keep the zebra duct tape I think you need it more than me with the hell you have been living.


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a snarky mood....

Perhaps you could send a pic of a tube of caulk and suggest he fix things with it, as it is so often their go to fix all!

But seriously, another vote for no face to face with this guy. Email only.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 705 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

either you want to talk about our perspectives on the kids or you do not.

Yep. Nothing to do with CS issues at all. Just a ruse to get you face to face so he can attack you and bitch and whine about the kids and how "you've turned them against him".

Next be prepared for this 3rd grade response, "Well, I guess you don't care about the kids then?"
Probably followed up by, "What a great mother you are!"

Sometimes they are so predictable.

I hope he will crawl back under his rock, GRM.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7803 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wb2. You would think they had a script or something.

Perhaps you could send a pic of a tube of caulk and suggest he fix things with it,

Like caulk his lips shut!
And let's not forget fingers so they can't type a message to us.

A girl can dream.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

either you want to talk about our perspectives on the kids or you do not.

Simple.
You do not.
There is no "our".
Besides, he does not have access to anything of "yours": perspective, thoughts, etc.

Email: (favored over texts bc it's easier to document that you're not being uncommunicative)
"Feel free to email me your perspective any time."
Neutral. Straight to the point. No hot no cold no circular, nothing but the point. Then you're done. Cricket time.

You have been freed from the dungeon of his either/or world.


Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to throw my support in for the GRM family.

Totally agree with the others. There is not a discussion on this. You are out. Don't get pulled back in.

Personally I like Kajem's idea of caulking his lips shut.

Morning Tribe.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey my man! How's things at yop ranch? Good I hope!

Meant to say hi to ^^^bent^^^ up there!
Haven't seen you around since Roy kissed Dale. How u bean? (or como frijole? as they say down here)


Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How's things at yop ranch?

Things are well. Was relatively a stress free Mom Day/weekend. Took MIL and W out for a family dinner with the yoplets (thanks Sadmumma for that term), etc.

Then I called my mom last night. She was all tears. I kept it brief and to the point. She reluctantly decided that we could meet with her therapist next week to discuss any boundaries I have if we are to have a relationship going forward. She'll call me back either tonight or tomorrow with a date and time. Typical day at the yop ranch. Just shootin bawlin balls as they come my way. Did I mention I use a 12 gauge caulk gun?

Good to see you out and about jjct.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed to be here and reminded of the NPD way.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's on your mind today southsidecali?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Took Prestone's "official" separation agreement to the L. She laughed, said it was an interesting start. Actually, some things are good and workable.

Met with Prestone to discuss next step. {sigh} So the new blame-shifting target is his mother. All of his bad behavior is due to her bitter influence. However, in an interesting turn, he just wants to get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. Thinks we can hammer out an agreement in the next couple of weeks, hopefully have it filed before the middle part of next month. Do I dare dream that it will go this easily?


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little over 3 years now, I am codependent and my ex npd and although its been years now- I am realizing how enmeshed we are. We never officially reconciled but we tried to remain friendly and at times things got confusing.

I thought I was working on healing myself and allowed myself to get caught up again. We both made some progress on introspect within and we tried to try and move forward and "remain" civil/friendly..just had no clue exactly why and how that just doesn't work.

I find myself back here because he "finally moved on" lol and I am struggling to figure out what to do -if anything!

I know that his relationship ends when I want just with some simple actions of making him start visitation with the kids.

I am not sure as to what to do because it will ultimately affect the kids, I know I can't really stop that- they have been through alot and I want to find happiness myself.

I know if I have him start watching the kids i can go out and start working on finding my own happiness but know that because his relationship will end due to the new "fiancee" finds out the real truth- his anger/hate will revert back to me because of course I ruined his happily ever after.

I would love to say that the visitation will be long term but I know that it will only be while he pretends to be mr wonderful dad to his new fiancee and the minute that fizzles my kid get thrown away once the pussy is gone.

I don't want to fix this for my kids but it pains me to know my actions will hurt them as well. Granted allowing me to get caught up in our Co-dependent dysfunctional relationship hurt my kids as well.

I just need help figuring out what to do and coming back helps me remember how awful things were and how I never got to finish my process of healing. I dunno.. I just need to remember how the dance was danced.


Posts: 788 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
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