It is a common COMMON occurrence to see co-dependent people with narcissist pd mates. The two fit together like a puzzle piece. Now, when you begin to come to terms with the REAL status of your relationship and his behaviors you grow VERY HURT...angry....confused...sad...all of the above.
While your response to these violations are healthy and as expected considering the betrayals and manipulations the behaviors can often LOOK like narcissistic actions. The difference is in motivations. Also, if your emotional responses are genuine, and you act without any intended consequence in return....you are simply being hurt!
The very fact that you can say you fear narcissism and maybe YOU are the problem....is all we need to know that you infact are NOT the problem. A true NPD will go to his death fighting that he is NOT an NPD AND HE HAS NO OTHER HEALTH ISSUES! HE IS A PERFECT SPECIMEN! HE WAS SO FOOLISH TO HAVE GOTTEN INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE SO MANIPULATIVE AND OVERBEARING LIKE YOU ARE! AND STOP YELLING FOR GOD SAKE! i HAD SEX WITH HER BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND...SHE IS MY SOULMATE. IT IS SPECIAL AND YOU WOULD LOVE HER IF YOU COULD TAKE THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW HER. HOW CAN YOU BE SO SELFISH!!! YOU ARE SCREAMING AND CRYING ALWAYS MAKING IT ABOUT YOU! i AM IN LOVE AND IN SO MUCH PAIN BECAUSE I AM ALSO MARRIED AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS THINK SELFISH THOUGHTS ABOUT YOURSELF!!! WHY CANT YOU THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS SOMETIMES!!!
Sorry about that :)....it was like a script started in my mind...just a sample of what a conversation w/ NPD looks like :)
Think about it, the NPD have arrested emotional development. A 2 yo LOVES attention good or bad it's still attention. A 2 yo doesn't like to be away from those that give them attention. And an adult knows it's not possible to have your attention 24/7. The adult does something that has you thinking about them even after there gone. They can rest assured you're thinking about them = ego kibbles.
Null is a really good way to be with these jerks!
I asked DD17 what her boyfriend thought of her father. She said he called him a "man-boy". He said it was weird to be around what looked liked an adult mature man...but in reality FT operates like a 12 year old boy.
I said to WH last night that I have not talked to a *single* person that feels him staying at work instead of coming to the hospital (for DD's most recent suicide attempt) was appropriate. He said, "what's the difference? What was I supposed to do? She's tried it like four times now!". I said that makes no difference whatsoever and he said of course it does.
Soon, I hope you will stop, really stop within you, and listen.
These are not 2 year olds, or 13 year olds - (those are the years they just arrested development into 'normal'...the year that the 'stamping' of their way-to-cope occurred, the pattern, the psychic 'muscle memory' was established to begin NPD)
...because the sooner you stop trying,
Let not your heart be troubled, I read that somewhere, detach. Stop the endless quest to fix outside things and control them. Control you. Be quiet until you do.
Why are you so quiet all of a sudden?
Because you're listening inside (for once!)
SHHHHH! & don't tell anyone that neither!
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
And he said it in a text message.
Tough cookies. A judge signed it.
Control Control Control.
Oh, and he got fined for not getting his discovery in on time. I don't think I will ever see the money. But gave me a hearty laugh.
This is why he makes me and my L his devil.
It took my kids awhile to see this, and stop blaming me for his actions. It's been 11 years, he's still mad and blaming me.
Foggy, keep documenting, he didn't say he couldn't afford it, he said he wouldn't. Last time I checked c and w were not next to each other on a touchscreen.
How can i get him eval for diagnosis?
I need him gone permanently, we have kids and I need it for courts.
I am so tired of this crap, I need to get my kids out of here.
I will be submitting papers for full custody and the OK to move out of area
I love this show. At least STBX hasn't completely ruined it for me.
Although, I no longer have a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch.
[This message edited by littlefoggy at 12:40 PM, June 6th (Friday)]
having hard time. two weeks from closing on house with non-spouse NPD. then i can be free. I have to "keep him happy" until then, and it's not easy as he requires some amount of adoration or at least "normal" affection, but i loathe him of course for the most part.
I'm trying to encourage the Jekyll side to stay present, but I cannot of course control that and Hyde is always just below the surface if not fully present. Not drinking helps a lot, and he's not been drinking this week.
I guess I'm just full of fear, and I entirely realize worry does nothing, that this closing won't go through or some other bad thing will happen. This whole process of cleaning house to downsize and move, and strategizing has taken a tremendous toll on me, this all after realizing, finally, what I was "significanting othering" with for 14 years, (what not who) and the pure agony of affair discovery. I would hate to see before and after pictures of my face.
I just need to figure out a way to relax. I live in fear of setting him off, not that i'm afraid of him physically, i'm afraid he'll screw up closing and then leave it up to me to fix, and thereby keeping me tied to him. I'm afraid of FAILING in my whole strategy of how to get away from him as soon as possible and without allowing him to steal from me.
I'm afraid. I don't have faith in a higher power and I don't believe everything works out for the best. There are real tragedies. I am optimistic about future, if scared, but I am very afraid of failing on this escape plan!!!
I think I'll figure out some form of meditation, even if it's reading 1000 pinterest inspirational quotes... but usually I don't have time as I'm too busy dealing with important things that stress me out....
thanks anyone and everyone for any response!!!
I hope you find some small way to relax. It is very draining to have to deal with all those administrative/managerial sorts of things and do it on emotional eggshells. Breathe. Each minute that ticks away brings you that much closer to being done.
(((more hugs for you))) You can do it.
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.
Finally, I realized that I had to be able to lose everything.....so I had nothing to lose....to be able to not to be so afraid.
I don't know if that makes any sense?
I've actually lost everything in trying to balance and appease him....my self esteem, my dignity, my life.
We can't control them. We can only control ourselves. I was giving him all the power. Now I'm taking back my own power. I can't control him. No matter what I do, I can't. I know I tried to do damage control and keep it at a minimum...and in a way I felt I did have some control doing that. But it's an illusion.
I have read a lot here, and often I don't have the time or means to post myself, but reading everone's stories and the heartfelt responses really helps me.
There are so many things that ring true for me. I wish I was at a point that I could be helpful for those who are in pain, but I wanted to let people who post their troubles, that I do pray for them and can relate.
The main thing I want to share, is that from reading in this forum, that it really helped me today.
The way WH was acting lately, the back of mind started yelling: "HOOVERING!!!"
Thank you all here!!!
I recognized what was going on.
I was treated like crap, finally did the 180 and lo and behold, the "hoovering" started.
Years ago, I would have fallen for it, hook, line, and sinker.
Now, because of reading here and all the sharing and caring and responses from all of the kind, wonderful people here, I was able to recognize the reality.
Isn't it terrible? We wanted so long to believe the mask? I lied to myself and made excuses beyond excuses to believe that the charming mask was the real thing and the bad behavior was just a wonderful person being upset?
I was the liar. I lied to myself.
I wanted so hard to believe.
If not for this thread, I would have fallen for the Hoovering again!!!
Thank you everyone.
I'm sending hugs and prayers for all who are here, including the "lurkers" like myself.
Isn't it amazing once we "see" them for what they are. Once we can label what their dysfunction is, understanding is what follows. I was searching for an understanding of what happened over the course of my life with him. I blamed his first wife, his mother, his father, his boss, his workload, his coworkers, (or howorkers) when in the end he was the common denominator.
Once you know what to look for, set the stage, lay down your demands and watch the show go on. The fake the up-front performance, followed by what they really are emerges when you don't fall for it anymore.
The people here on SI, especially on the NPD Thread had him pegged and taught me what would come when I stood my ground. They gave me the courage I lacked by myself. The most stunning piece of information that I gained here: I was living a miserable life that many were also living. I couldn't believe that I was not the only one. Sure people are abused all the time, but NPD's have a wonderful way of doing it and looking good while they do it.
He knew how to manipulate me and as I look back now, he learnt where I was most vulnerable and used it from day one! Isolated me away from family, friends, jobs, and financially ruined us so I couldn't leave and take care of my kids. He pretended to be a great father and great husband as his "mask" and used it to surround himself with loyal women who adored a man who would let his wife stay home.
Even though I don't come on daily like I once did, I know there is a home for me when I feel lonely and just need someone to understand the past.
I don't think we lied to ourselves, we knew the truth, but they picked us knowing we would excuse their behavior. We lived in fear of losing our marriage and family, they used it. We strived to love the person inside, they strived to use that against us. We forgave, they did it again. We promised to stay for better or worse, they used that against us.
They are masters at their game, we didn't know the rules or the game, we didn't know they were playing a game!
Enough said, I know the rules now. I don't speak to him, I don't reply to emails, if I need something I've learnt how to get it (if I can), and for the things he hasn't done like he was supposed to, let him face the judge and explain why he also choses to ignore him!
Have a great weekend!!
My go to place of peace, refuge, sanctuary is the beach. I get there and I just sit. Somedays in the beginning of the end - I would run away! I'd lie to him and tell him I was going to check out something in a city by the beach. I would leave before sunrise and get to the beach, park. Recline my seat and sleep! It was the most relaxing sleep I could get. Being away from him and knowing he couldn't find me (no gps in phones then) was bliss.
Once he left, I wasn't sleeping either. When he took the kids EOW I headed to the beach! Luckily I was an hour away. I remember the running away from him and TO my sanctuary.
Thanks for all the encouragement. jj sort of hit on the head what I have discovered I am really struggling with in the moment: the need for him to GET IT. I really have to let this go and stop worrying about whether or not he agrees with me.
I'm not sure how to accomplish this. IC and I will be talking about it. Do you just sort of steamroll ahead over and around them?
He is absolutely immature, absolutely feels rules don't apply to him...so much of what you all have said here really rings true...
Why is it that I just don't want it to be true? I want there to be some explanation for his actions...I guess its not that I don't "want" it to be true, its just so unbelievable! I've been with the guy for over 20 years!
BUT- I was horribly codependent, and that whole analogy of fitting together like a puzzle piece with NPD makes perfect sense. When I started learning about codependency and breaking those behaviors in myself is when my WH started to become unhappy in our marriage. Counseling was never effective for us because WH could never accept someone else's point of view or recognize that his thinking is skewed.
I feel sorry for him in a way - I'm sure this is a result of his CSA - something he had no control over - and it just wreaking havoc on his life now. Its so sad. It will continue to be sad for him. I am going to move forward, heal those things in myself that need to be healed. Improve the things that need to be improved. I'm going to get my kids through this and do whatever I can to help my kids and DH can kiss my ass if he doesn't like it.
has anyone successfully navigated a dissolution with their narc? Or do you always end up divorcing and going through court, etc?
I also have this fear of him and I'm not sure why. He was not physically abusive with me. He's put his hands on me in anger once since this whole mess started - back in October - but only grabbed my arm. I think I'm just afraid of his anger. Its zero to 1000 in 2 seconds and then after the argument or whatever is over he's acting like nothing happened while I still feel like I'm hemorrhaging from the attack, you know?
I'm actually starting to have anxiety over checking my texts and e-mails because I just dread there being something from him and what demands or nastiness might be waiting for me.
Today I was called spiteful, mean, and petty, among other things. All I want him to do is follow the recommendations of DD's counselor and stay away from the house and move his stuff out - NOW.
It boggles my mind...throughout our marriage, when we had money to spend, he spent it generously on anyone and everyone who needed it. Now that I need him to spend some cash putting stuff in storage because it benefits my DD, he acts like he's going to be destitute.
I'm just tired of being afraid.
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.
I could have written that word for word.
I am working towards feeling something less than fear. It isn't compassion or empathy. (My IC wants me to be more compassionate, but he will settle for something less than anger and fear )
Like I understand him. I get him. Like "Devil I name thee" And his power is gone.
"Devil, I name thee NARC"