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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I scream. I scream because the kindness hurts. It hurts to realize how I was living and I didn't even know how bad it was. It hurts because I allowed him to treat me like that. It hurts because I am seeing what love is, what it feels like and realizing that I never had that. It hurts because I took his words and believed them about myself.

This ^^^ is how I felt when I met my now husband. I have always said he was like a breath of fresh air and a slap in the face all at the same time.

And I can so relate to the cooking. I LOVE to cook! And XNPDH would taste, criticize and complain about everything I made. As if he was some food critic! And I am a GOOD COOK!! Farm girl, I make everything from scratch. But he had me questioning myself.

New husband came along and the first bite of everything I have ever put in front of the man I hear, "Oh my God! This is so delicious!!" And I could feed him the EXACT same thing for the next week and I would still get compliments!

Still to this day (12 years later) I am still thinking "WTF was I thinking???"

ChoosingHope, you have an awesome day in court today! May he run his big fat mouth during the entire hearing!! And may you be cool as a cucumber.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 8:28 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7993 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping all went well for Choosinghope yesterday.

I've been ruminating about FOO issues, XH and XSO. Lots of minor triggers last week... and not sleeping well has my defenses down. I'm not contacting but thinking.

I always look for the why, the patterns, the similar paths. Always in the hope of not repeating the same mistakes. Sometimes there is no why... it just is. UGGH.

Back to turtling hoping for some breakthroughs that make the light bulb go off.

Giving everyone hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Preparing for a sh*tstorm. Is there some resource for sort of doubledealing? I really hate not being totally honest, but I'm not ready to deal with him knowing my plans and he's getting more and more suspicious.

WH is harassing me and sort of hysterically (by that I mean scary, not funny) hoovering. There are 14 emails between yesterday and today, and three phone calls. He's found the key is to need to talk about the kids, and then jumps in with his other BS. The kids' birthdays are coming up, and apparently he has to work one angle at a time. All of this because he is not getting what he wants this coming weekend. (Wow, thanks for being here so I could type that and see it clearly.) I feel so unprepared for all of this and worried about where he's going to take it.

Oh, and out of curiosity (he hoovers very prettily) I checked the email account he did give me the password to, and he's been emailing CL "ladies" too. Ironically, on the same day he emailed me about how he's so proud that he hasn't been doing anything he shouldn't.

I did cuss him out really well last night, about how I don't like how he's treating me, how it makes me sick, and how he needs to leave me alone. His response? Two emails before bed that I haven't read, but had titles that were apologetic. I want to NC him so hard that he doubts his existence.

ETA - hugs back K, I hope sleep finds you again soon. I also get sucked into looking for patterns and trying to understand why.

I'm also hoping ChoosingHope has a much better day than expected.

[This message edited by Quakingaspen at 5:10 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.~David Duchovny

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking about ChoosingHope too. I hope we hear from her soon.

Quakingaspen
NC is really the only way to go in your situation. It's really difficult, especially when you have to discuss children. But allowing him to "bait" you into an arguement or chewing him out is sometimes just the attention they thrive. Practice makes perfect. And you will soon find that ignoring him and his insults will make you begin to feel very empowered.

Kajem,
I've been having FOO issues of my own. I sometimes think that because I was raised in such a messed up family, my "normal" guage was off. Maybe that's why I made some of the poor choices I have in my life.

I have a sister who is a Borderlline and a complete nightmare. She tells horrible lies about other people as a means to get others to like her. Right now, I am her target. My other family members "don't want to get in the middle of it".

Ugh.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7993 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I've been checking all day to see if CH has posted. I hope everything went well for her.

Foo issues, don't you think that is a big part of why we got involved with and stayed so long with abusive partners? I know it is for me.

Sadtoo, the comment about the "normal" gauge. I have said that for years, before I ever knew about any of this.

I always said that I didn't know what was abusive or mean until after it was too late to challenge it. I said that my angry gauge was broken and it didn't register until after the house burned down.

Struggling so damn hard with no contact. I know it is the best thing for me. I have to keep reminding myself over and over that I do not miss him. He was never real. I miss the imaginary man.

The one thing that still causes the sharp feeling of panic and disbelief is realizing it was all a lie. I never knew him. The man I knew never existed. It is so mind twisting.

I remember right after dday #1 the dramatic shift, the total shutdown, when I found this site. That is where my name came from, I just could not accept the seemingly total cut off, total discard, it made no sense to me, it seemed insane as if I had just walked into the Twilight Zone, now I see I was just beginning to leave it.

Still fighting my way out.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for caring about my court date. I'm so thankful for this place, and for all of you.

Last night I was too exhausted to write anything. In short, it did not go well. The last judge really cared, and she saw through Genius. The new judge immediately attacked my attorneys by asking why this case was going on for so long. He then attacked the custody evaluator, saying that he has now messed up two cases by not producing the report in a timely fashion -

He was one angry judge, right off the bat.

I think I posted about my anguish over the delays in the final custody report. I was supposed to be divorced in January. Now, thanks to the delays, my trial has been moved to the last days in May. It has cost me tens (and tens) of thousands of dollars that I have borrowed from my family. I cannot sell the marital home now; I will miss the selling season; my children have nowhere decent to go to school next year - I need to move to get them into a decent public school district. Plus my parents are paying the mortgage, and it is really beginning to hurt them.

So it's been devastating. On the one hand it's somehow comforting to know that the evaluator is doing this to everyone -not just me, so it doesn't mean that he can't make up his mind about my case or something. On the other hand, the judge sounds biased against the evaluator now. And of course I have no idea what will be in the report because I (and the judge) have no faith in the evaluator.

Anyhow, my attorney who is usually very sharp, sort of butted heads with the judge who just wanted short, concise answers to the delays.

The judge said he didn't read through all the notes from the previous judge, and was furious that we were still asking for outstanding Discovery items from Genius. He kept saying things like, "WHY do you need those 15 checks???" (We need them b/c we have been at trial for two years, and Genius still hasn't told us how much money he makes!) But my lawyer couldn't seem to articulate this simple notion, and the judge was just annoyed.

On the other hand, Genius acted like a lunatic. At one point he claimed he made nearly a million dollars in the past two years. (In reality, he's hardly making any money at all, and everyone involved assumes he won't even be making enough to pay me ANY CS within a few years.) Then he insulted my attorney by saying, "Well you can walk and chew gum at the same time . . . "

The judge's mouth fell open, and he was FURIOUS and he said angrily that comments like that were NOT called for.

I nearly started to cry when I heard about the new trial date. I felt my old familiar feelings of intense SHAME filling me up. My friend told me that the galley was filled with people rolling their eyes and laughing at us. I didn't speak, but still and all . . . it was the usual circus.

The judge has to go back and rule on a few things. Hopefully he will read some of the notes and filings and motions from the old judge and start to understand the case.

In short, he seems annoyed that us losers can't get our acts together and figure this out ourselves. And I understand this!!! On the other hand, he basically told Genius that key logger accusations aren't relevant in a divorce case. (Genius said he will pursue them in civil and criminal court - good luck.) So in the best possible world, I hope that the child custody report comes out strongly in favor of me and that we can keep the trial short and factual and to-the-point. And hopefully Genius will drive him nuts and hang himself. That's all I can pray for at this point.

I am thinking such bad thoughts now - thinking of Anne Lamott: "I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish"

I wish I could try to answer some of your recent posts, sorry this is all about ME. Just so tired and need to rest so I can continue to fight this maniac. Lots of thoughts on FOO, but too exhausted to think too closely about them.

Sorry this is so long. God, why did I marry this evil person?

Oh yeah, probably FOO issues.


Posts: 1590 | Registered: Oct 2011
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ChoosingHope ))

Ands lots of them.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 9:54 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 486 | Registered: Nov 2013
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ChoosingHope)))
I am so sorry!! I remember one of the judges on my case who had not gone through the prior notes did something very similar. Thought I was the cause of the delays because I was "upset because my husband found someone new". I was SO MAD!! I wasn't delaying anything. XNPDH was claiming I was delaying. But he would delay and or flat out refuse to provide interrogatories, or income proof. He would make ownership claim of something I had, but fail to provide any proof of ownership. OMG. it went on and on.

And CH, I too spent 10's of 1000's of $. At the time, it made me sick. But looking back it was money WELL SPENT.

Your STBXNPDH sounds like as big an idiot as mine! Claiming he's made $1M in the last two years? Hmmm...that makes for a nice child support and alimony payment.

I hope that by the time your next hearing your judge catches up on the notes. My guess (and hope) is he/she will.

Hang in there! You can do this.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:28 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7993 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much little foggy and sadtoo.

Sadtoo, yes, I was shocked that the judge went after my attorney instead of Genius. Thank you for sharing your story - it makes sense. We requested the child custody eval, and we wasted three days of his time in January. We had a three-day trial scheduled, and we had to request a continuance because the evaluator didn't complete the report.

So he was mad. I get it.

I hope I'm not being a pollyanna, but I'm hoping that evaluator will produce a report in favor of me. And that we can wrap things up quickly in this judge's courtroom. In many ways, he might help me: he is not going to let Genius derail the case with his usual random accusations. As a no-nonsense criminal judge, I have to imagine that he will require proof of any crazy accusations. And that he will stick to two things: custody and finances.

A judge like this ***MIGHT*** be the kiss of death for this NPD, who thrives on creating chaos and uncertainty, and who can't follow rules, and who answers everything with a new crazy accusation or histrionic crying. This judge does not seem like he will tolerate any of this.

But who knows. One day at a time.

(((HUGS to all))) and thank you, Kajem and cantaccept too.

(((QuakingAspen))) I've been through the CL hookup thing too. It's gross, and it's the opposite of everything good and real in this world. Feel free to PM or ask any questions here. Please be careful and strategic. I agree with the No Contact advice. If Caregiver is around, she can also give you some very good advice about laying low and letting them think that they are winning. I am not very good at this; it goes against my nature. Please hang in, and no matter what, please don't leave this thread - it will help you so much in the long run. -Hope


Posts: 1590 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A judge like this ***MIGHT*** be the kiss of death for this NPD, who thrives on creating chaos and uncertainty, and who can't follow rules, and who answers everything with a new crazy accusation or histrionic crying. This judge does not seem like he will tolerate any of this.

I completely agree with this.

My first judge was very wishy-washy. XNPDH would make his wild accusation about property he "owned" prior to our marriage and hearing after hearing he would be required to provide proof of that "ownership." He never had it. And the judge would always give him another 6 weeks! I couldn't believe it! It was maddening.

My next judge was very cut-throat and no bullshit. I was scared at first, but he proved to be a friend to me. I was organized and had my documents prepared. Dumbass....well, not so much.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7993 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe.

It is like coming home. This has been a difficult week for me with work (teacher) and some kids in serious emotional crisis. I feel like I fell behind here! But I love the community feel and reading here makes me feel "grounded" and connected.

Glad to see sadtoo still offering such positive and genuine advice. I get all sentimental at that constant act of kindness!

CH, this judge sounds perfect. Remember, you are used to reacting to how things effect your NPD and the status quo. This judge chewed your attorneys out because of everyone in the courtroom, they are the only ones "benefiting" from the delay... ya know? So on the off chance they don't have a fire lit to "get on with it" this judge was actually advocating FOR YOU. Brusque is good. Pissy with the way things have been going is good. Try not to take it personally. Those are NPD installed reactions. Take that leap of faith and wait for the landing. It doesn't have to be a crash landing.

QA, remember that cussing him out is kibble. His brand of hoovering is based in what he believes works/has worked in the past. Also, an NPD who is feeding his ego on CL, can afford to be "nicer" to you.

can,
You sound so strong and stable. Way to go girl!!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5608 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((CH))

Glad you survived the court appearance. Didn't sound fun at all.

I think I'm going to be fairly fortunate with my WH. He WANTS to be rid of me, he is just arguing with me about a few things...I think trying to keep his foot in the door....but he hasn't had an attorney advise him yet...so perhaps when someone besides me says, "you can't do that", he will believe them.

For example:
You can't have visitation with the kids at my residence.
You can't come over and mow my grass.
You can't come over and put up Christmas decorations on my house.
You can't open a separate bank account and start banking money so you can afford to move out.
You don't want to stay on the mortgage just because your kids are living here, you won't be able to buy your own house so they can come visit YOU.

:::sigh:::

Ohh, and
"Hypocrisy is the tribute
vice pays to virtue"

jj, I'm sorry, but my brain is too fried to try and figure out what the bleep that means. I think it means, yes, hippocracy is part of NPD. But if you could explain that in plain language so that after I memorize I can spout it off with great flair and confidence and then explain myself in infinite detail, I'd greatly appreciate it.

[This message edited by nekorb at 8:04 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1699 | Registered: Aug 2013
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a traumatic birth experience. Induced, a full day of back labor, csection, and then DD almost died. I spent 30 hours in labor. A week in the hospital.

I see stuff like this. A friend posted in on FB.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/pregnancy/168139/14_stages_men_go_through

And STBX never did any of that. He didn't even show up at the hospital until I was well into labor even though I was blowing up his phone.

While I was laboring, I remember him coming in and saying something about the nurses saying that "You are still right here" I thought "Well, where am I going to be, I am hooked up to a bazillion monitors and can't go anywhere!" He made it seem like they were insinuating that I should be moving. But now I think he was the one making that insinuation.

He left me less than 24 hour after to go to the firehouse and work a shift. He never spent the night with me in the hospital.

I was bedridden for the first day or so and couldn't even lift my baby out of her bassinet. I just held her. The nurses didn't respond quickly enough to bother with the call button.

I have a really adorable picture of DD and STBX in the hospital. But if you are in the know, you can can that his hands are at his side (he isn't toughing her) and he is looking down at her not really smiling. He was sitting on the chair and I put her on him after asking him to take a picture with her. To outsiders, it is a nice picture. But it really isn't.

I am pretty sure I have PTSD from it all. It was the worst experience of my life. And STBX just shrugged at me when told him how I felt about it. We will see how this divorce measures up to it.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 486 | Registered: Nov 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((littlefoggy))) your story reminds me of someone else's here on SI. She has divorced a NPD SA. He treated her the exact same way. I'm so sorry for both of you.

I have a similar photo. I'm fairly certain now that STBX didn't want children, but they quickly became a great source of unconditional love and narcissistic supply to him. Plus they were cute (like all babies) and he got lots of attention bringing them around town. They are still like a prop to him. They allow him to act like a depraved S&M sexual lunatic most days, and then show up twice a week and play all-American respectable Dad in the old neighborhood. It seems almost like a game to him.

Anyhow, he looks like super dad in the photo - except I see that he doesn't know how to hold the baby, and how fake he looks.

I finally went back and looked at some other old photos. You know what? He's not really smiling in more than 100 photos! It's more of a smirk. And he usually looks very bored and slightly sinister. I also found an old college passport photo of him. I barely recognized him - I thought, "Oh, that guy looks like trouble."

Also:

My next judge was very cut-throat and no bullshit. I was scared at first, but he proved to be a friend to me. I was organized and had my documents prepared. Dumbass....well, not so much.

^^^Thank you! I hope and pray that history repeats itself.

As a quick update, Genius refuses to let me sell the house. We also have a HELOC maturing within weeks, and I can't pay it. He refuses to answer any emails about either of these issues. He's got me locked in and trapped.He doesn't care that his children have nowhere to go to school next year, or that my credit will now be ruined too, or that we could default on a HELOC. This is a man who was once so accomplished and respected. It's hard to believe. I think he would burn this house down before he would let me move on with my life.

Anyhow, QuakingAspen, I hope you're doing okay. I've been looking for your posts and hoping that you're okay.

And littlefoggy, I hope the divorce goes as smoothly as possible. Have you read the book Splitting? Genius has done every single thing in that book. I highly recommend it.



Posts: 1590 | Registered: Oct 2011
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he would burn this house down before he would let me move on with my life.

If he's truly a narcissist, he would. I've seen my father cut off his nose to spite his face on numerous occasions even if it meant he, himself, would have to suffer for it for a long time afterward.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3968 | Registered: Sep 2005
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the other woman's story. Hers was a nightmare. I wouldn't say mine is anywhere close (and I had non NPD related complications), but the similar behavior is there. They all have the same playbook.

I have read Splitting and I highlighted the heck out of it. I plan on rereading it and revisiting it often. Great book.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 486 | Registered: Nov 2013
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((TRIBE))))

The theme for my lesson this week is denial. I've been in such denial about how bad this relationship is, how little impact I can possibly ever have on him, how little I've ever stood up for myself, how little he's ever given me. I gave myself a 2x4 because after I told him I did not want to see him, he left a gift for me on the porch of my house while I was gone. I was scared and angry and annoyed. How much am I going to put up with?? I sent him two lines in an email, that I did not appreciate it and that he would not be welcome at my house this weekend to see the kids. If I keep minimizing my own feelings, how can I expect him or anyone to take me seriously? Back to NC and peace the last couple of days. I bought a nice thick rubber band for my wrist and doodled NC all around it.

And then I log on here, to lend my usually silent support and prayers, to find someone's thought of me and I bawl my head off. I am so used to feeling like my impact on anyone else is so random and finite, that I am infinitely replaceable and faceless. I kind of take it for granted that I am not someone people think about unless I'm in their face. It's a new thing to start to recognize that was only really true for HIM.

Thank you ChoosingHope. I have a tendency toward painful honesty that I am discovering is something he counts on and WHY he's baiting me like he does. The CL stuff is sort of new, but since the dealbreaker has been dealt, I sort of take it with a grain of salt. If I know how to do anything, it is commit, and this girl's DONE. I wish court had gone better for you, but I really hope others have it right that this is a positive development.

My older kids call their father the "Photo-Op" dad. I think that's pretty eloquent.

CG, you're so right. Ugh. NC has been successful and lovely the last couple of days. I'm just literally banging my head against the tendency to anticipate how he will interpret things and do damage control still because I don't want him to guess what I'm up to yet.

Peace to you (((Tribe))).


The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.~David Duchovny

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just literally banging my head against the tendency to anticipate how he will interpret things and do damage control still because I don't want him to guess what I'm up to yet.

QuakingAspen

I think we all do this, I know I did. It's not a bad thing especially when trying to uncouple from them. Give yourself a break, old habits are very hard to break, especially when the trigger is still very much present. That is why NC is good-it gives you space to see the dance of action/reaction to him. And it allows you to see beyond that dance to consequences and repercussions. And beyond consequences and repercussions to damage control. Before they just blocked our view of the dance pattern.

That's why they hoover you back... they like controlling the dance.

BTW you look good dancing on your own.

[This message edited by Kajem at 7:06 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haha Kajem! Good analogy! Love it.

QA -

I really hate not being totally honest, but I'm not ready to deal with him knowing my plans and he's getting more and more suspicious.

See, that's about your goodness. But it also contains the awareness of how it can be used against you.
That is excellent, knowing that, and gives you complete permission to go 'silent running', given that "job #1" is to take care of yourself.

nekorb, sorry I'm late.
Having to be a hypocrite is "payment" (tribute)...
The payment is living a life of lies,
having to expend vast amounts of psychic - really, "emotional" energy and effort to keep your stories straight...iow, what a way to live! right?
That is why such effort (again, tribute) very often, almost regularly - results in physical manifestations, sickness. (Your lies make you sick).
Hope that helps!

(((Tribe)))
Sometimes it happens that I suffer so deeply for you that I have to "go to my healing place" - which in my case is deep silence...listening...

As is so often the case on here, and other threads too, it is "false charges" that hurt us so!...and I look for "how did I fare?" within me, and try to pull it out - put a name on it, give "an answer".
Sometimes things rise up as wordsongs, poems. The good ones - when my healing finally and really "clicked", come with a title! Very surprising to me! Other ones (I'm going to say now the 'best' ones ), come with a title and an end.
"it just happens" (not kidding - and no! it ain't the doggy xanax hahaha!)
So this is about 'false charges'. And healing. And peace.

Protected By The Song Of Flowers, I

wandered through the field.
Bright pressed were minutes turned to hours
yet still they sung their shield.

Unscratched by briars prickled grasp,
or dirtsaid words of hurt,
flung out false charge’s souling rasp
fell
while daisy sang,
lifting her skirt.

Upblazed cruel pollen all around,
but stuck to sneezeless knee,
sharp phrased missed arrow’s now silented sound,
for all the time,
The Song.
It was in me.

(what they say is nothing, within you is everything)


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, jj..........

That. Was BEAUTIFUL!!!!

I HAD to read it out loud, because those words begged to be HEARD.

Thank you for honoring us with your sharing.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5608 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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