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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Focusing on within, it will come to you that the outcome of 'endings' will not be as important to you...will not have the power over you it once did.
It's a natural part of healing.

For me it doesn't feel like an ending, more like the way a chapter changes it's focus. At some point in the future I'll see the reason why (the reason that chapter was part of my book) I can flip back a few pages and see it, but it has very little to do with what I'm reading now.

The part that carries thru each chapter is ME. Evolving as I move thru each chapter. My core person didn't change! She was buried, stuff, minimized to a point I didn't recognize-but the core person was still there. Under all the baggage-she was there. Needing care, nourishment and love in order to grow again.

Keep digging thru all the crap-she's within you.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"the reason this chapter was part of my book"

That is what I am doing, I think. I see the changes in me, I am different. Maybe not different enough yet?

I can almost see that what I am experiencing right now, internally, is so similar to situations of my past, how I have responded. I have always gone the extra, given more to be sure I was doing the right thing than anyone thought that I should.

That may not make sense but I know what I mean. In order to live with me, to have a clear conscience I need to do the kind thing, the "right" thing. I think I have always given others the opportunity to do the right thing, one more chance even if when giving that chance I knew that I might pay for it.

I broke NC. We have been talking a little. I told him that for me to even consider considering to try, to think about trying this is what he needs to do to begin.

Post on SI every day. Not just read or post and not respond but actively make use of this resource. Every day.

The second requirement was to get into IC and actually be honest.

Well, not much effort. IC was a no go as he says he cannot afford it now. I understand that because I am in the same boat.

If you look at the effort he has put into posting on SI it will show the comittment there also. Not so much.

When I asked these things, I honestly did not expect them. I am not disappointed. Maybe it is just the confirmation that he is just incapable of giving. That my interpretation of what is real is correct. Maybe it just makes me feel like I am making the choice???

He is pushing for more from me but I am holding strong. Those two requests were only the beginning I would need a whole lot more from him to ever consider trying again.

I feel sorry for him, I do. He seems so lost but at the same time I am not willing to sacrafice myself.

It is all on him. What he does or does not do to change his life is up to him. I do not have, nor do I want the power to do that. It has to come from within him.

So sad...

But for myself, I have been kayaking, twice, never went before and I loved it!

My son and I are turning our yard into an oasis, it is beautiful! Funny but wh never got very enthused with owning a home, my son has showed more pride and enthusiasm in 6 months than wh showed in years.

It is fun sharing this with someone.

I think I am doing okay. I am in less pain. I do not have that gut wrenching feeling of missing wh like I did before.

Not really sure what all of this means right now but I am being cautious. I have the walls up around me.

Please if I am walking down a dangerous path, if you see what I am not seeing right now, please tell me.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1315 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That my interpretation of what is real is correct. Maybe it just makes me feel like I am making the choice???

I get it. I also felt like I needed to hold that olive branch out just as far and long as I could so that I felt like I had done all I could to save the marriage.

No matter how long I held it out there and no matter how hard I worked on me, he still blame shifted and continued right on in his affair.

So what I was seeing was real and correct. He no longer wants to be married to me. Yet....had made no moves on his own to end the relationship.

You are making the choice. The choice to do what is right for you.

I'm glad you and your son are enjoying the yard together.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can, when you are done, you will be able to say you gave it all you could. Because you did. His refusal to give you what you need is his control or fear talking. Either way, he's choosing to not give you what you need.

And that says it all.

And no worries, if we see you heading down a potentially painful path, we will gently swing a 2x4 your way.

Enjoy your yard!!!

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kajem,

I will welcome the 2x4's if you see that I need them.

When I am done. Damn I wish I could get off this roller coaster. I know...it is my choice, I have the control.

I think I am being strong. I am feeling like a bitch and like I am being selfish but instead of retreating, backing off, being nice, I am saying "hell yes, I am a bitch and damn proud of it! I deserve this and this and this! Too much for you??? Tough shit!"

I think I may have found a pair of those boots that I have heard about, way too long in coming.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1315 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,

The boots look good on you!!!

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, thank you very much Kajem!


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1315 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anytime


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this on Sunday:

Today would have been my 29th anniversary. For several years it was just another day.
2 years ago XSO decided (after a short false R) that he was choosing OW. He told me when I stopped by looking for some comfort from him. I needed someone to hold me while I cried. I had just come from reading XH's responses to my petition for annulment. The hate in XH's responses was felt like I had been stabbed( again). I went to the person who was my rock thru hell for 8 years, XSO. I needed to be held. It didn't happen, instead he told me he wanted her. I left shattered.

I survived.

Today I open Facebook, and a friend and his wife were tagged in a picture. I clicked and it was a picture of XSO getting married. It's ow's fb page. I expected them to marry ONE day. Just didn't expect to have it pop on my newsfeed.

I am not shattered. But I am breathing thru it. I'm trying not to look thru her pictures. Old habits die hard.

He looks happy. I'm sure he is. One day I'll be able to wish him all the happiness his heart can hold.

For now - I'm wishing it for myself.

I'll survive.

Breathing.

And dancing the cha cha -two steps back - one forward - a little step to the left ......maybe I'm doing the Charlie Brown?

A blip.

K

The universe. Higher power, God whomever is in charge has sent me little (and huge) messages and angels since that day.

In the middle of posting another member texted me about getting together- I recently move to her city.
Another special friend messages me daily, he banters with me, makes me laugh and challenges me so I can unpack the damn baggage in a safe way and become a better person.

It's the mental nc that I struggle with. I don't need XH in front of me yelling, he doesn't need to be present, my head does it for him. It stings that 2 of his reasons for his unhappiness are also xso's reasons.

I will survive. I'm not in a great place, but I'm not in a bad place either. This too shall pass.

Anyway, going back to our discussion on moving forward this popped up on my newsfeed today and I thought I'd share:

Just as reading a story, we have to let go of one page
To read the next to see how the story unfolds...
So our life is constantly unfolding as we learn to release
The past and turn the page to make way for the new.

Making way for the new...

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{ Kajem }}}} You are going through some choppy waters. I'm glad you are getting the messages that you'll make it through!
It stings that 2 of his reasons for his unhappiness are also xso's reasons.
I don't know what these are, but I am thinking that your relationships most likely ended because of deficiencies on their parts. Because YOU'RE awesome!!!

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Aug 2010
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Kajem))))) I hear you. I wish I lived closer so we could hang out. You are an amazing lady.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Jan 2010
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I lived closer so we could hang out. You are an amazing lady.

Ditto.

I wish we could all get together for drinks or coffee.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7803 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think i need to find in person support group.

going solo is hard.


Posts: 788 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cali,
Going solo is hard. I'm in a new city. I literally knew 2 people who lived here. My DD's bf, we moved into his house while he was deployed for 9 months. And another SI member, I met at a Florida g2g when we were both new and raw. She was the one who texted me when I was typing that out Sunday morning and was at a low point. I haven't heard from her since before I moved here in October. How fortunate for me she texted then!

I've met jj, woundedby2, and Chrysalis from this board. Chrysalis was at my first g2g, and my second, which was where we met the other 2 tribe members. MAKE a g2g, I can't stress it enough how much it helps to be able to put faces to names. I feel the hugs each and every time the person I met IRL responds to my posts. If you can, get to a g2g, jj has one planned. I'm in the planning stages of another. All get 2 gethers are posted in fun and games. There are a bunch all over the country at different times of the year. So keep checking, or plan one in your area.

Although I have you guys and I hate to say it, FB. Which I subscribe to a lot of motivational, inspirational and funny sites. It's entertaining as well as uplifting and that does help. Most of my friends IRL, keep in touch via technology. The lines get blurred between cyber and real time. Especially when you meet the people you've grown close to in a cyber village like SI.

Im trying to find what brings me joy, happiness, contentment. My kids throughout this journey brought me happiness still do. But they've begun their lives,3 in college,1 graduated. All are working, and becoming awesome women in their own right. For the first time in my life, I find myself not sharing space with another human. It's causing me to re evaluate my day to day life.

It's calm. I'm content. Am I happy? Reasonably so. Joy? <<<<that one is hard. What makes your whole being feel so alive, your on a natural high? I think I found it!!! It makes the lows a dip in the path instead of a drop off the cliff. Now I have to keep working at joy. Because that is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Sorry this is all over the place ... The caffeine hasn't gotten to my brain yet.

[This message edited by Kajem at 8:22 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caffeine engaged. Hopefully this post doesn't get to long.

Compartmented, I can dismiss most of the excuses they blame shifted. But the two, well three actually. that overlapped were financial disparity, my weight and kids.

Financial disparity: XH and I moved from the NY metro area to fl for the lower cost of living. We wanted to start a family, and after a stillborn son- I wanted to be there for every milestone our future children would have. We made the move so we could live off one income XH's. I was a SAHM till he decided to divorce me.

I worked part time for XSO for 3 years during his very busy summer season. Then when my other job closed, he was busy enough to hire me full-time. That stayed in place till he ended our relationship.

I'm looking for work in my new city. Money has run out... I want to rely on me, myself, and I financially. Somehow God finds a way to keep me afloat. I pray a lot!

My weight- I'm getting healthier and the weight is starting to whittle its way down. Actually I don't care about weight. I can be 200lbs, as long as I can look good in a size 8-10, I'm good. When XH left I was close to 180 and a size 16. I lost 60 lbs in less than 3 months and kept loosing till I was a size 4 and it was loose on me. Once we divorced, and he upped my stress levels I started to gradually gain. I met XSO at size 6, and him being in my life caused XH/NW to up the stress even more. I figure I suffer from adrenal failure, too much cortisole in my system .... I'm working toward healthy. It's taking time.

My kids, both XH and XSO complained my kids were my first priority. They were right! They didn't stick around long enough to be a part of Kajem's Life Part Deaux. My kids are still a priority- but I'm my first priority. Had they stuck around, I probably would have made them my number one priority.

Their loss. And I say that kind of tongue in cheek because XH's priority is currently NW, and so is NW's . XSO is 7 years younger than his wife's parents. When his health starts failing and he really needs to be her focus, her parents will likely also be her priority.

I smile a bit at the reasons they left. They are things that would change with time and have. This time alone allows me to change in ways I need and want FOR MYSELF.

Finding that spark of joy was a huge, huge high. I know I'll be ok. I can't explain it - other than it was intoxicating. My inner being just felt free from all the garbage that was dumped on me and at the same time connected to the universe.

Find your joy!!!!!



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tribe)))

Waywardson checked the mail today to find an envelope from his NPD sister. He was afraid to open it. He said, "OMG!! It has TWO envelopes!" and I reminded him that she CAN'T be getting married to her OM because she's STILL M to her H! He opened it and it was an invitation to our nephew's graduation- 21 days ago!! And, it was mailed yesterday. *sigh* I just figured she was going to start something about H never attending her children's events and say, "Of COURSE, I sent him an invitation!", when MIL asks, so I just put the whole thing- envelope and all- in a safe place. I'm don't think the postmark entered her mind. I just have to shake my head and laugh because when you lose the fear, they really do look pathetic.

(((Tribe)))


Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish we could all get together for drinks or coffee.

:::passing out virtual cocoa and cookies to the tribe before bed:::

That said...

What the literal FUCK people??

WH is just right pissing me off and my L too, I think. I signed some papers for WH and the L's had a good faith agreement that if I signed his he'd sign mine, kind of a deal. Well guess what?
I signed and suddenly he's re-negotiating the stuff he was supposed to sign for me.


AYFKM right now?

L is NOT happy. This is the first attempt at getting something signed and going and WH fucks it up. How he can he serioiusly expect us to negotiate a dissolution when he acts like that?

L says he doesn't think there's going to be much chance of us negotiating and reaching an agreement. May just have to file.

But FIRST, I need my paperwork signed!

CAT!! (colossal asshat)


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CAT!! (colossal asshat)
Now, that's an insult to cats!

I signed some papers for WH and the L's had a good faith agreement that if I signed his he'd sign mine, kind of a deal. Well guess what?
I signed and suddenly he's re-negotiating the stuff he was supposed to sign for me.
Harsh truth here: you're going to have to let go of your beliefs in 'good faith' because he has neither in him. He will use that about you until you are used up! That is at the core of how an NPD operates: they will use your belief that most people are essentially good and honorable against you. Bring out the hardball and file on that MF!!

And hugs to you, (((nekorb)))


Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they will use your belief that most people are essentially good and honorable against you.

BAM!
TIKY hits another one outta the park.

That's why I'm all about "hide yourself" (hide your wives hide your kids while you're at it)...

Reminds me of Wendell Berry's Mad Farmer:
Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.

We're doing a Texas State Fair gtg in October.
It would be right and fine and good to meet any one of you (((TRIBE)))


Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks jj and TIKY.

That is a sad realization. (Using the belief that most people are good and honorable against me)

I was trying to think back about whether or not he has operated that way our entire marriage. I can't say that there was opportunity for it to show itself, but he was always the type that if someone made a mistake and it benefitted him, he would be reluctant to point it out to them so it could be corrected.

ie: one year when we bought some items from the local farmer's market, he got in the car and told me how much it was - it was not enough according to the signage that was posted for our items. He would have just left and been like - deal for me! I made him go back in and point out the mistake to the lady. (I could see them from the car) She had given us a discount. Yay for me! But I wouldn't have been able to drive away with a clear conscience without saying something and he wouldn't have thought twice about it.

He has always, ALWAYS, talked about how important honesty is. I'm finding out that what is important to him is people being honest with HIM, not the other way around. It's very weird.

He wouldn't pull that kind of stunt with a friend (the money thing), but with a retailer or business which presumably has more than he does, he feels they can take the hit and it's their mistake. In fact, with family and friends he has always been more than generous with money. It's just so strange!

L and I are beginning to see that filing is probably the very real future.

Has *anyone* here in the tribe negotiated a dissolution with their WS that we know of?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
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