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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb, good luck with a new L. It's important to get the right fit.

How were you able to tell the old one wouldn't cut it? Did it take long to sniff that out?

Today, and this week, I am super angry. Which is a new thing for me. I haven't fully allowed myself to feel anger, generally. Resentment (usually masked) yes. Anger? It's new.

It's the culmination of seeing all the BS for what it is. For reading the PA thread and being tired just thinking about playing an effing shrink every day.

I walk on eggshells now on purpose, consciously, in an attempt to keep my head down til we are successfully moved back to the States.

But I am very angry at myself, most of all. Even more than him. I'm sad I let myself become such a damn doormat. That I painted a fantasy of change that will never come true. I deluded myself, and that's a shitty pill to swallow.

I know I am not stuck, and own every choice I make now, including staying silent/doing the 90. But I struggle with respecting myself in staying, even though it's now just because ducks aren't lined up.

Thanks for listening.

ETA:
Southsidecali, I think the therapist idea with your kid(s) is a good one. It gives you additional strength. Also, sometimes kids won't listen to a parent, but will hear another authority figure. It could help the message have more meaning. They may remember years later you had the grace to do this.

I'm sorry for all your challenges legally :(

[This message edited by meleanoro at 9:24 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2005
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mele-

I pray that my kids understand when they grow up. Right now it feels too raw and having to explain that they won't be able to see dad for awhile -kills me.

They have been through enough - dealing with abandonment issues already and with the custody change basically keeps him away even more. I have primary and he gets visitation Sunday for 6hrs - yea and even that was a struggle.

he can't even call them -too busy with fiancée to call kids. Crazy because according to him- I'm at fault.

I know he never choose me or kids - this was just what should have happened a long time ago, my only regret was waiting this long to sever that tie and now my kids are used to him being around to a certain extent. Just have to remind them that he was always busy.

How do I fix their heartbreak


Posts: 819 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ssc,
I am not a parent, so my perspective comes with that grain of salt.

First, I think any child, regardless of how healthy their parents may be,experiences some trauma as a kid. It is part and parcel of life. As a parent, it must break your heart to see them in pain, especially the significant amount of pain wrought by their father.

Earlier in this thread folks had good ideas about framing with kids. So, asking them questions, then helping them connect dots. It may have even been you involved in those discussions.

The consistency and care you show your kids will ultimately be a contrast for them against npd dad's behavior. As kids, they cant connect all the dots yet as an adult can. But you can help model consistent parenting.

A phenom al book is "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk." It has great ideas on validating kids' feelings and experiences. Maybe it can help you with dealing with their feelings over their dad in a way that helps them heal and grow.

<3


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2005
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSC,

The more your kids deal with other parents and their friends, they will see the disconnect with his role as a parent. No amount of explaining about dear old dad would have swayed them he wasn't right in the head. But seeing thier friends parents/step parents brought it home and quickly.

Somewhere near age 17-18 they started there own detaching from him. He once asked me about it, I told him it's normal the kid is going off to college soon, they need to separate from the parents. Thank GOD he accepted that and never asked me about my relationship with them!

Hugs, it's hard to navigate this crisp, you know your kids best, trust your instincts.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5160 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How were you able to tell the old one wouldn't cut it? Did it take long to sniff that out?

Well, it took me longer than it should have! Family and friends alike heaved a sigh of relief when I said I was retaining new counsel.

I should have known he was not a good fit the day he let WH's atty pummel me in our first 4-way meeting. When I followed up with him about it in an email, explained that I had spent many months in therapy learning to set boundaries with WH and am unable to do so on the spot and in those circumstances, said if that were to ever happen again I needed him to step in right away, and his response was,"you aren't giving yourself enough credit. You did fine." - I should have known right then. When I TELL you exactly what I need from you and you disregard me, you aren't a good fit. (If you go back somewhere in this thread I posted about the meeting afterwards. I apologize I don't know how far back it is...)

I also feel like he did my DD a disservice. As soon as he realized WH wasn't going to abide by the doctor's recommendations, he should have advised some swift action. He didn't. He kept trying to nice my WH into doing the right thing.

Additionally, he got absolutely nothing accomplished in four months and we were supposed to be doing a simple dissolution. I felt like I was babysitting him and constantly reminding him about important issues.

HE was causing me anxiety, and I just don't have any to spare.

When I first retained him I thought we were going to be doing a nice easy dissolution - he would have been a great fi for that. Not so much for dealing with my WH's bullshit.

When I interviewed new atty and relayed about the incident at the meeting he said we would have stood up and said we are taking a few minutes break, walked out and regrouped, then gone back in and told them they had better watch their asses or the meeting is over and we are leaving.

I almost hired him on the spot. But I purposely didn't bring anything with me to retain him with to force myself to think about it for at least a few hours and I was able to discuss it with my IC as well. I hired him later on that day though.

I had to borrow money from my parents to hire him. They couldn't get the check in the mail fast enough.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today, and this week, I am super angry. Which is a new thing for me.

When I hit the anger phase is when I really started to get a lot done in and out of IC. I'm still in it. WH is about to get a taste of it. He hasn't really had any of my anger to date. I've been courteous, polite, understanding, sympathetic, etc.

That's over now. Now I'm setting boundaries. Now I'm watching out for me and my kids and making sure we are taken care of. WH can fend for himself.

That said, setting boundaries with WH still gives me that icky feeling in my chest. Anxiety starts almost immediately and sometimes leads to near panic attacks. We are working on that in therapy.

Anger is helping me get out of codependent doormat mode.

Hopefully it will be productive for you too.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first retained him I thought we were going to be doing a nice easy dissolution - he would have been a great fi for that. Not so much for dealing with my WH's bullshit.

That's the tricky thing for us here on the board.

When it's time, I would really like a swift, peaceful, efficient dissolution. It feels like a dice roll...does one push for that, in the hopes of not coming across as attacking (purely as a psychological strategy) or immediately go guns blazing.

I know with mine, if I go with a bull out of the gate, he will raise a holy war. I wonder if many of us here have similar issues with approaching it strategically.


When I interviewed new atty and relayed about the incident at the meeting he said we would have stood up and said we are taking a few minutes break, walked out and regrouped, then gone back in and told them they had better watch their asses or the meeting is over and we are leaving.

Hahah NICE. this one looks like an advocate! I'll grab popcorn and munch while reading your updates

Anger is helping me get out of codependent doormat mode.

Same here. Enough sympathy from me. I see it for the bs ploy it was/is.

Boundaries. Ugh. Just, ugh. It's like teaching a pig to sing.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2005
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My NPD ex came back in my life 8 days ago. I'm a fool and an asshole...that's all I can say. My current H cheated multiple times but he isn't NPD and I swear 10 years of healthy non-NPD interactions left me vulnerable to that POS's "niceness" and "changed man"..."let's be besties bullshit"...that shit still stinks. He is all alone blah blah blah...hmmm NPD the only disorder where the patient gets left alone and everyone else gets treated...love that poster. It only took 8 days for his veneer to start to crack and me to feel the bile rise in my throat...ya know that deep down in your gut feeling you get after contact with an NPDer.

I can't believe that I even cracked the door..to say he nuked me and my life would be the understatement of the century. NC NC NC NC. I just had to vent somewhere where people can understand the trauma. He pulled the drama llama up and I just walked up and started petting the fucker...it looked so friendly...no that is the devil himself. UGH. Never again. Never.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 523 | Registered: Apr 2009
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoMoreDeceit: I'm so sorry that after all these years your Ex showed up. Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water, right?

He pulled the drama llama up and I just walked up and started petting the fucker...it looked so friendly...no that is the devil himself. UGH. Never again. Never.

Well, I guess chalk it up to a lesson learned.

Has he gone away since you reinstalled NC?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did I miss an update from ChoosingHope? Judge's decision?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nomorddeciept,

The bright side to the cute drama lama - it only took 8 days to see the truth!!!!

You didn't try to sugar coat it, deny it, justify it, or explain it away. You saw it for what it was .... Zebra duck!!!!

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5160 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he gone away since you reinstalled NC?

For the moment after he sent me a barrage of hateful cruel texts when he figured out I wasn't going to play along. True to form. Back into the blocked box for that one. Poison.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 523 | Registered: Apr 2009
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you NMD - block his ass from your consciousness.

Its interesting what you said about him sending the barrage of texts - that's what mine does as well....I've stopped responding and I do think he does it LESS, but I guess we will see over time.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think floods of text are done in the hopes of wearing you down. How tiring! I can u derstand how easy it is to get drawn back in. Sometimes I wonder if wr have to become as cold as them to get through their antics.

I started watching Breaking Bad (I won't post any major spoilers or plot points or anything) and am on season 2.

There's an episode called "down" with such blatant blame shifting, gaslighting, "but what about all I've done for YOU" -- it's I credible to watch. One character doing it is an addict, and life is, of course, so unfair to him. The other is a man hiding secrets from his wife, and the BS facade he pulls to try and manipulate here... wow. He pulls this scene where he's trying to "be emotionally close" to her, apologizes for being distant, does a whole acted song and dance, and she says, "is that all you have to say?"

he responds, "what do you WANT me to say? Tell me!" (I have heard this before). She knows he's keeping secrets from her, and won't come clean, but instead of manning up, he pins it back on her plate as her responsibility to tell him what she "wants" to hear. Classical NPD behavior.

This show isn't for everyone (violent drug culture), but I can recommend it as a wake up call to patterned behaviors. sadly, maybe you'll see your partner in here, too. It's examination of moral and ethical downslides is pretty epic.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2005
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Funny  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mostly I just read this thread, although it's clear to me that STBX is NPD, after reading here and doing all the research. (And finding all the tubes of caulk )

I have been completely cut off from the NPDH, which is fine and will help me. Feels peaceful, despite the debt he's stuck me with.

One thing I've read elsewher is that NPDs are very good in bed...acquiring those skills helps them manipulate partners. That was certainly true for me, I'm sorry to say. (And sad, too...who the hell uses a woman's sexuality against her?)

Although I am currently committed to abstinence, I find that in the night, those dreams are still of him. They wake me up like a nightmare.

Will this pass? I would like to look forward to a healthy relationship in a few years. Is this possible? Am I just skewed? Is a loving sexual relationship no longer possible?

Cuz I just can't see inviting someone else in.


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2014
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sure hope so!

That's what I'm aiming for. 😊😍


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5160 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too! A couple of years from now, anyway....


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read your reply to my post in general Kajem.

I am back here, back home.

I had to try one more time. Why??? Why can't I just really believe in my gut, with all my heart that there is no heart in him???

My mind knows the truth. My heart is still behind. I guess I had to be sure, face the tiger?

He told me that he would not give up this time, that he would do anything, that he would keep trying even if it became too much for me.

Words, only words, there is no substance, there is nothing there.

This hurts and I feel ashamed of myself for allowing myself to get sucked back in, even if it was only a little. On the outside I kept my boundaries, on the inside my heart was ready to jump.

He didn't even realize how little it would have taken for me to be sucked back in. I suppopse for that I should be grateful. NPD??? who knows, it doesn't matter, abusive and heartless is cruelty enough.

In a way I feel better being the one to say, no more, you are not brave or strong and I deserve more. It still hurts though, reality hurts.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1360 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((Can)))))))))

If my XH had been willing to R, I would be giving him chance after chance, rugsweeping, the whole hiding my head in the sand.

You're ready when you're ready, that's it.

And it hurts. I'm sorry he isn't being the person you fell in love with. But I'm glad you are no longer in limbo. Limbo with a narc erodes your soul.

You, my friend, are light years ahead of me after DDay. You KNOW you deserve more. I would have settled for crumbs.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5160 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Not my circus, not my monkeys"
a fellow SI had this as her tag line and it it SO HELPFUL with NPDs!

My NPD ex baited me last week with an email about kids.... I fell for it (stupid, stupid me, but I'm learning).
I quickly recovered and stopped with the kibble ego strokes he was after, and just started addressing basic facts (in a few words).

He freaked (I wasn't giving him enough attention apparently) then blew up my phone w/ txts, then left a voice mail demanding we sit down in person with him and his mom! (HA! I said "no need" thinking "not my circus, not my monkeys"), he then emailed multiple pointless messages - each one was meet with crickets. When he showed up to drop off kids he started his campaign again needing to meet this time with him and his new wife . I just stared at him and calmly said "no" as I thought "not my circus, not my monkeys" he had no idea how to respond. I could tell he was totally confused now that he has lost control over me. He left but then called a few minutes later (its serious a drug withdraw for him now that I cut off his ego kibbles). He ranted for 2 solid minutes in which I stayed silent, then I said "hmm I see. Bye." and hung up!

"Not my circus, not my monkeys"

such a powerful chant!


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