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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need advice on detaching and 180
atkkcc
♀ New Member
Member # 42388
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a really hard time detaching and doing the 180.

I made another post called living a lie that gives more back ground. Basically my husband turned forty, had a friend die of cancer and decided he could no longer live a lie. He told me he has been cheating on me our entire marriage and that he has never loved me and on and on and on.

I have kicked him out of the house. He took all of his personal stuff and moved in with his parents. The reason I find the 180 so hard to do is because we are completely dependent on him financially. Also we have four children. So anyway he is coming home after work wanting to know what's for dinner spending the evening with us, helping put the kids to bed. On the weekends he popping in and out. He is still wearing his wedding ring.

He is still adament that he wants a divorce and he is still chatting, hooking up with women, etc all while under his parents roof.

Anyway I have tried to detach and I'm trying to get a life. He makes it very hard by coming over some nights not others, coming different times of day etc. I'm afraid if I try to set boundaries he will cut us off financially and I can't support myself and four kids. I feel like as long as he is still putting his paycheck in our account I should just lie low.

Any advice is greatly appreciated! I just don't know what I should be doing not doing. I have an appointment scheduled with a IC but it's not until March 6th.


Me 35
WH 40
Kids 4
Married 14 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

File for divorce and ask for temporary orders of support and exclusive use of the home. Site abandonment. 180 is you moving on from him. Show him what divorce is. It's not sitting on your couch. Ignore him.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
huskers
♀ Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm totally in your position, but he's not coming by. Because I changed the locks. I deserve to feel safe and protected in my home. I do not need to wonder when and if someone is coming into my safe haven. For all I knew he would bring his whore here.

I also did the waiting game on the paycheck in the bank and hoping not to rock the boat so he would keep doing it. However, that was controlling me. He would threaten not to do it and I would back down from setting boundaries. He is with his whore and is serious about being with her or anyone but me. So I filed Friday, he will be served tomorrow. That includes excluding him from the home, temporary support, insurance, etc. You can do the same.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me he has been cheating on me our entire marriage and that he has never loved me and on and on and on.

So anyway he is coming home after work wanting to know what's for dinner spending the evening with us, helping put the kids to bed. On the weekends he popping in and out. He is still wearing his wedding ring.

He is still adament that he wants a divorce and he is still chatting, hooking up with women, etc all while under his parents roof.

^^^These things do not add up. This is called cake eating. He wants out but also wants the continued comfort of having you there when he wants you. First go see a Lawyer if you haven't and understand your rights in your state. Get some temporary orders in place as you file for D. He said he wants a D then give him what he wants.

As for the 180, a good place to start is to establish some ground rules in your house since he now lives with his parents and says he wants a D. You can start with not cooking him any dinner. Cook just enough for you and the kids. He wants to be single then let him cook at his parents or go out to eat. If he asks you what gives, then tell him you are doing what he asked and letting him enjoy his new single life. He is firing you from your job as his wife and you no longer need to perform any of those functions. If he wants to put the kids to bed fine, if he wants to spend time with them fine, but he doesn't need to spend time with you. So don't talk to him or interact with him unless it's about the kids or finances. Start saving money whenever you can. Lean on friends and family as needed for emotional support.

That being said based on your statement about finances it's imperative that you get to a lawyer and get some protections in place. If you haven't go check out the S/D forum and post in there. There are some great people that are in and have been in your situation that can guide you through what to do next. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:31 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your husband can't just decide not to support his children financially anymore--the courts will mandate CS. Stay in the house but tell him he is not welcome there and see a lawyer. Boundaries will not damage you--they will protect you. If you file, you will be able to protect yourself financially legally--not just by relying on his continuing the status quo and having to be afraid of disrupting it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 5

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