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Newest Member: leftfordust (44208)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did not want to post but need help
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have good advice AML. I just wanted to mention that this jumped out at me and my heart sank....

I haven't made a lot of requests of WH to R other than NC, no more cheating (DUH) and to be honest with me

As Karma asked, What do you Want and Need? Know it. Know it like you know the home you grew up in. Or your phone #. Know it and ask for it. And stick with it. Don't be afraid.

One of the most useful exercises we were asked to do in MC was write our Wants/Needs/Values. Doesn't have to be long or wordy or complicated. And Needs are Must-Have's. They are the things you cannot live w/o in your M.

So, I had a few needs but my # 1 Need was honesty. Be honest with me. Be honest with yourself. Without it, there was no point in us going any further.

((AML))


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2104 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I echo what LA has said. My husband asked what was my most important need and I said honesty. He said not faithfulness? I said no. I think ppl can gut out fidelity. Honesty, however, can't fake that one.....
Good luck honey!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4457 | Registered: Dec 2010
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the most useful exercises we were asked to do in MC was write our Wants/Needs/Values. Doesn't have to be long or wordy or complicated. And Needs are Must-Have's. They are the things you cannot live w/o in your M.

LA-our MC just emailed me today asking that we do this before our next session!!! I think that's our project for sunday when DS is with the GPs. Thank you so much for sharing because it wasn't on my mind as much as it should have been.

Rachelc-I also agree honesty before anything else. If you're completely honest I don't see how infidelity could happen anyway


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would add that radical honesty from both spouses is key.

This experience has displayed how for years I denied some of my needs and feelings. In effect, I lied to myself.

It was a throw back to FOO coping mechs.....once exposed it was easier to work on. Much was hidden.....perhaps buried is the better term....within me.

So it's not just having a spouse be honest with you....it's them being honest with themselves and you being honest with yourself as well as honest with them.

Honesty does not mean knowing all the answers or even initially identifying all motivations. It means not ignoring or hiding....it means a commitment to find answers and to identify motivations....find solutions. In short.....to engage intentionally with no motivation to deceive or conceal.

Minimize nothing, feel everything.

Keep the faith.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:09 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling really overwhelmed today. Didn't want to post a new thread so figured I'd just vent here. I'm so exhausted, I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep for hours. This sucks so bad.

I'm so upset/angry that it seems his thinking hasn't changed much. Looking at porn, no big deal, she asked me not to but she won't find out. He says his thinking has changed, just not enough. I say that's a pretty important line if thinking to not have changed! Why are his "needs" still more important than mine???

I feel like just shutting down.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 weeks ago I fell asleep mid-sentence while talking to my brother in the phone.....early evening, not late night.

This IS exhausting.

Praying you find some peace and rest now.

Peace be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking at porn, no big deal, she asked me not to but she won't find out.

Yet earlier you had posted that he said:
He said he hates it and doesn't understand why he keeps doing it.

This is a big deal. If I were doing things I hated doing without knowing why I did them I would want to address that. The fact is that he does not see a problem, and you cannot make him see or do a thing he does not want to.

In a functional M you sometimes do things or do not do things not because they are right or wrong, but because of how the affect your spouse.


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4074 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a functional M you sometimes do things or do not do things not because they are right or wrong, but because of how the affect your spouse.

This is exactly what I want him to see. But you're right, I can't make him. All I can do is hold him accountable when he hurts me like this.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can do is hold him accountable when he hurts me like this
.

Or work the emotional calculation and decide that his costs exceed his current and likely future benefits.


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4074 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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