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Newest Member: Ugh123 (44903)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Two Years On
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a traumatic divorce, I found that I could love again. In the Spring of 2010, we met through Match.com. We started off slow and found ourselves in a great relationship. Though we aren't kids, (I am now 62, she is 59) we went through Limerance and kept a very hot and solid relationship going despite the complexities of our lives (former spouses, kids, grand kids (her), busy work and social lives.

She was completely plugged into my world - my kids, family, friends. I was less in hers - never met her kids and only a friend or two of hers. We traveled, spent a lot of time together, were 'there' for each other - all of it. We had discussed moving in together and seemed to be going in the same direction on nearly all life aspects. We made a great couple.

In the early Fall of 2011, her life got yet more complicated when she lost her job. I was helping her get going on finding a new job, with personal finance issues and being what I thought was a great guy, friend and lover.

But... She began breaking dates. Between October and December, we went through three different weeks (separated by a week or so) of broken promises, broken dates and flubbed re-schedules. Every reason (excuse?) from her was plausible given how life works. After the second one, I explained that those hurt, that I looked forward to being with her and had serious letdown a when both initial 'dates' and subsequent re-schedules failed. And I told her clearly that (selfishly) I wasn't sure if I could have us go on that way.

In early December 2011, in a single week she: last minute cancelled a Tuesday date, re-scheduled for Thursday. She broke the Thursday date and agreed to a Saturday trip with my kids to visit friends, cancelled the Saturday date in favor of Christmas tree shopping, agreed to a Sunday date and cancelled that due to 'car trouble'.

Well, I broke and just vanished from her life. She did call once a day or two later leaving a five word voice mail. It hurt like a Hell to do this. But I couldn't handle it.

Since then, during 2012 and 2013, I made several efforts to re-connect with her. But, from her end, I guess she's 'done' and won't follow up or tell me to get lost. Two months ago, I sent her a sort of 'goodbye, wish it could be different' note as a Facebook PM (the only way we were talking at that point). No response.

I've been dating and have found no one that I care to spend time with compared to her.

I'm not quite pining here. Yet I do think of her often and would really like to see if we can get back with each other.

Yes, it's been a while. Yes, I was a bit of a s*** at the end.

This community has helped me immeasurably as I went through a horrendous divorce. So YOUR thoughts and words on whether I'm being stupid and how (short of sitting in her driveway) I can try to out this back together would be most welcomed.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I broke and just vanished from her life. She did call once a day or two later leaving a five word voice mail. It hurt like a Hell to do this. But I couldn't handle it.

Bro - you "poofed" on her. IMHO there is a 0% chance of you two getting back together. If the table was turned - would you want someone that is capable of doing that, back in your life?

BTDT - my fiancé of 15 months poofed (she moved 120 miles away - and is live and well) for no given reason (we got along wonderfully) last August. There is no chance in hell I will ever allow her back in my life.

My suggestion is that you learn from the experience and move forward.

Sorry I do not have a more positive input angle - just my reality.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9177 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with T2g. You're making it seem like she's Plan B: you're betting than nothing, so lets give it another go.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7638 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Move on. She probably is dating someone else.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Jun 2007
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could this be a matter of jumping in too soon? You say that you met her on Match in the spring of 2010, but you weren't D until January 2011 - is that right?

In any case, it is water under the bridge now and time for you to move on. Please don't compare new relationships with this one. It might have been good in the beginning, but it didn't hold up.

These first dating after D experiences can be brutal, that's why many of us caution against moving too quickly too soon.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you guys were together basically about 1.5 years and I think you saw some pretty bad stuff, regardless of good times.

Breaking a date so she can shop for a Xmas tree? No. When you make a commitment to someone you honor it, barring emergency. Cancelling on someone just to do something else means you either don't respect their time or just aren't that excited to see them.

When she cancelled due to car trouble did she flat cancel? I would ask my boyfriend to come pick me up. If I had a date with my boyfriend but needed to buy something, I would ask him to come with me so we could do it together.

I think your gut was right at the time but now you're thinking about her because you're lonely.

Move on. Best wishes.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are romanticizing the relationship a bit. Whilst 'poofing' is very conflict avoidant and not really a chivalrous means of ending a relationship, seems she was disrespecting you a lot by breaking commitments. Maybe it was her PA way to get you to pull the trigger?

Best to chalk it up to lesson learned - communication is key to a successful relationship etc - and keep moving forward.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 725 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like she was already pulling away from you before you poofed.

She may have been depressed due to the loss of her job. Perhaps if you had tried to talk it out with her, you might have been able to salvage the relationship, but on the other hand, she may have just been done--unfortunately, you'll never know.

It seems that you had a knee-jerk reaction, probably as a result of your betrayal. Examine your feelings about this, learn from it, and move on.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20148 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you "poofed" on her since you did tell her that her constantly breaking dates at the last minute to rescheduled only to break those dates too was hurtful to you, yet she continued to do this for three months.

She should have been an adult and stated that she wanted something else right now.

What did she say to you when you explained why you were hurt with her behavior.

Just because she lost her job and things weren't going her way does not excuse her actions.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is how I see it. There was a vast difference in your view of the relationship to her view
She was completely plugged into my world - my kids, family, friends.
I was less in hers - never met her kids and only a friend or two of hers.

but during the relationship you interpreted is that you both were...

Going in the same direction on nearly all life aspects. We made a great couple

Sorry, but I don't think you were going in the same direction nor ever made a great couple.

There was a reason she didn't introduce you to her family. My guess is that she wanted something more causal or just didn't feel like you were "the one".

There was a reason you did introduce her to you family. My guess is you wanted something more serious. And did think she was "the one"

So the talk of moving in most likely triggered her to start pulling away (did that happen around the same time?). At this point you kept making excuses for her behavior because you are still thinking she is "the one" even though her behavior is telling you otherwise.

Then you (rightfully) let her know you were hurt. But she probably labeled you as clingy and pulled away more.

My guess is that she reached out to you, after your silence, to keep the relationship going on a casual level, but then was ultimately relieved that you then poofed.

Now, years later, you are comparing your memory of this fantasy relationship that never really existed, to new relationships, which is why those women always fall short. Instead of comparing the new women to this former gf, compare the behavior of the new women to the behavior of the former gf. Her behavior... if I read it right, was several cancelled dates, 1/2 heart-ed re-schedules, hiding you from her family, making you feel hurt, etc. I think you will find that new women sitting across the table is a whole lot better.

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 2:36 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 485 | Registered: Jun 2012
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the talk of moving in most likely triggered her to start pulling away (did that happen around the same time?).

No, not really. Her living situation was already an issue. And she brought it up. It was a comfortable conversation. It was months later (around the time she lost her job) that the 'flakes' began.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't make someone love you!

Her actions speak volumes. Let her go. She isn't worth giving her headspace.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5062 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onward and upward my friend. Dwelling on the past just wastes away the present. Life is short and it gets shorter by the day. Stop wasting what you have left on dead issues.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5653 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 13

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