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User Topic: Question - need reassurance
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LMYE - I read your back story.You think its best that your H doesn't know and that's your choice. No reconciliation as your H doesn't even know about the affair. All the work and connection you're building now in your marriage will be for naught when this comes to light,but I wish you luck.

I believe that Lmye is correct in her assertion that your failure to come clean to your H about your LTA is what is allowing you to escape the usual consequences of an affair. While you feel your decision protects you and him from the fall out, in truth, being protected from his anger also protects you from remorse.

You see, I think your failure to maintain NC is due to the fact that you regret the fact that the affair stopped and you regret that your AP turned out to be less than perfect and your happy ever after life never materialized but I also feel that you don't have remorse over the fact that you had the affair. You don't feel pain for your choices and for sure, you aren't feeling the pain and hurt of a BS. The truth of the matter is that if your H is completely unknowing of the A, then he's not really a BS. How can you really be a BS if you don't even know that betrayal has occurred.

Anyhow, I don't want to pound on you again about the righteousness of confessing and of how that choice is the only road to living a authentic life but I would like to take the time to point out something else that I noted as I read your profile.

Quote from Pastthelies Profile - Since then I have been working on my marriage – I have not confessed and at the moment I do not plan to. I know this goes against what most believe here but It is what I feel is best right now. Things have been going very well and I am enjoying time with my husband. We have started to reconnect and things have become a bit more intimate. It will take time and it will never be like with my AP. My husband has stepped up to the plate on many items which first caused us troubles and I have been focusing on seeing him in a new light and working on our communication. I have been working on myself and trying to be a better person.

Please look at your words when you say that "it(intimacy) will never be like with my AP". I think that statement is quite a Freudian slip. If your still holding onto the fantasy that your A was better than your marriage, you may never get out of the fog. You have to stop looking at your affair as a special gift from god and start seeing it as the consequence of your own broken self, trying to cope with life's issues in a very unhealthy manner by seeking something from outside to fix your inside issues.

And I write that with due consideration to a quote that you put forth in Dec, that said, “I have never had a d-day and my A has been over for 10 months- NC whole time! It is so hard. I miss the feelings and intensity/intimacy too!"

This indicates to me that even at the 10 month mark, you are still holding onto the fantasy of the affair. Thinking it was special and magical. This is breaking NC! NC isn't only about physical contact, its about emotional contact. This seems to indicate that your indulging in mental masturbation each time you think about the AP. yeeech! You are now over a year past NC (if you even want to call it that) and IMHO, you're no closer to creating indifference than you were before. Checking out FB, reminiscing about the good old days when you were cosmic lovers, wanting to justify reaching out ... You need to stop lying to yourself, your BS and everyone else, including the SI community about your thoughts, feelings and motives. You haven't moved past the lies at all if you are still living the lie.

Hosea - I do not say this in judgment, but I feel deeply sad for your uninformed betrayed husband. You are burning a tiny candle for your former AP while you keep your spouse in total darkness. I hope you will soon have the courage to live up to your username and get past the lies, pastthelies.

Please, if you really truly love your husband as you claim, then put your big girl panties on, sit him down, confess your affair and deal with the consequences like a adult.


Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.

Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3282 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been NC with my AP for pretty close to a year.
You haven't been NC at all. You still think about him daily and check up on him via social media frequently. That's not NC by any stretch of the imagination.

And I don't think I have to tell you how grossly unfair it is that you have your husband working and fixing a marriage that YOU blew up. You have replaced your AP with your husband. (Physically anyway, cause your mind is still wrapped up with AP)

You're still very much in the A. You never left. You mentally masturbate to your AP, then go home and have your husband attend to the physical aspect.

Your husband not knowing that you cheated gets you off the hook and you don't have to fix yourself. You guys just work on the fluffy marriage stuff and it alllll goes away.

My heart breaks for him. He has no clue what he's married to.

Until you go total and complete NC, you're shooting yourself in the foot.

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww man. . .Your H doesn't know at all?
How's that working for you? Still lurking around AP's facebook page. . . If you were accountable to someone, you'd have more fire in your belly to come all the way out of the fog. You are living in a hell of your own choosing, I think. So, while it feels bad to face the music, the damage has already been done. Coming clean is the only way to, well, come clean.

My prayers go out to you for strength.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your BH doesn't know anything at all?! Well, now I feel like a prize idiot.

You owe it to him and to yourself to confess. No marriage can survive on a foundation of lies. Your only hope for true change and true betterment of yourself is to tell him everything.

Me - 27
Him - 27

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.

Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
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Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have many people who tell me to confess and many who say not to confess. At this point I have made the choice not to do so. You can agree or disagree and that is okay either way. I am sure there are many marriages that have survived and thrived and many that have crumbled with or without confessing.

I may not have mental NC all the time (this was the first year - I don't care what anyone says after dday or it is over you as the WS just don't forget immediately if there were feelings, it takes time. Everything just doesn't shut down and turn off immediately on dday or the end day - it doesn't in a normal relationship either.)but that does takes time after continual and constant contact for five years. I am doing better every week with that. Like I said rough week - it is a year this week and I looked! Oops! I did not reach out and break NC to him personally - I did it to myself by looking.

Broken But Trying - My husband -even though he doesn't know he doesn't deserve me looking. You are also right. I don't need to put myself through any of it again to start over. I have come a long way although I still have a long way to go.

I knew what the answer was that - I should remain NC (personally)and not say anything but I was feeling bad,as I would for anyone who had a sick or dying family member. As Jellygirl pointed out you don't know what you don't know. By looking I found something out that I should not have known and it made me want to react. I didn't react. I posted here instead which is huge because six months ago I probably would have reacted. Now I need to get to the point of not knowing (by not looking) and not caring.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Some of you gave me a lot to think about. I agree with some and don't with others. That is what makes this place so great; everyone has an opinion and is willing to share it.

When I read opinions that I don't agree with at the time or make me a bit angry I have found that if I come back a few weeks or a month later and read them again my perspective has sometimes changed; some click. So while I may not agree with everything that everyone has to say all the time, there are things I learn from or see differently when I come back to revisit as time goes on.
Thanks again.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 10:41 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2013
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Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Key words here, "Drop it!"

The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 154 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The truth has away of coming out. My WH earlier As came to light because he never fixed himself. Everytime he needed a quick fix, he either tried to resume contact or find a new drug source. He outer himself to his friends accidently and hid one friend with morals made him confess. It didnt take long for me to figure the rest out.

Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4510 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Topic Posts: 27
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