LMYE - I read your back story.You think its best that your H doesn't know and that's your choice. No reconciliation as your H doesn't even know about the affair. All the work and connection you're building now in your marriage will be for naught when this comes to light,but I wish you luck.
I believe that Lmye is correct in her assertion that your failure to come clean to your H about your LTA is what is allowing you to escape the usual consequences of an affair. While you feel your decision protects you and him from the fall out, in truth, being protected from his anger also protects you from remorse.
You see, I think your failure to maintain NC is due to the fact that you regret the fact that the affair stopped and you regret that your AP turned out to be less than perfect and your happy ever after life never materialized but I also feel that you don't have remorse over the fact that you had the affair. You don't feel pain for your choices and for sure, you aren't feeling the pain and hurt of a BS. The truth of the matter is that if your H is completely unknowing of the A, then he's not really a BS. How can you really be a BS if you don't even know that betrayal has occurred.
Anyhow, I don't want to pound on you again about the righteousness of confessing and of how that choice is the only road to living a authentic life but I would like to take the time to point out something else that I noted as I read your profile.
Quote from Pastthelies Profile - Since then I have been working on my marriage – I have not confessed and at the moment I do not plan to. I know this goes against what most believe here but It is what I feel is best right now. Things have been going very well and I am enjoying time with my husband. We have started to reconnect and things have become a bit more intimate. It will take time and it will never be like with my AP. My husband has stepped up to the plate on many items which first caused us troubles and I have been focusing on seeing him in a new light and working on our communication. I have been working on myself and trying to be a better person.
Please look at your words when you say that "it(intimacy) will never be like with my AP". I think that statement is quite a Freudian slip. If your still holding onto the fantasy that your A was better than your marriage, you may never get out of the fog. You have to stop looking at your affair as a special gift from god and start seeing it as the consequence of your own broken self, trying to cope with life's issues in a very unhealthy manner by seeking something from outside to fix your inside issues.
And I write that with due consideration to a quote that you put forth in Dec, that said, “I have never had a d-day and my A has been over for 10 months- NC whole time! It is so hard. I miss the feelings and intensity/intimacy too!"
This indicates to me that even at the 10 month mark, you are still holding onto the fantasy of the affair. Thinking it was special and magical. This is breaking NC! NC isn't only about physical contact, its about emotional contact. This seems to indicate that your indulging in mental masturbation each time you think about the AP. yeeech! You are now over a year past NC (if you even want to call it that) and IMHO, you're no closer to creating indifference than you were before. Checking out FB, reminiscing about the good old days when you were cosmic lovers, wanting to justify reaching out ... You need to stop lying to yourself, your BS and everyone else, including the SI community about your thoughts, feelings and motives. You haven't moved past the lies at all if you are still living the lie.
Hosea - I do not say this in judgment, but I feel deeply sad for your uninformed betrayed husband. You are burning a tiny candle for your former AP while you keep your spouse in total darkness. I hope you will soon have the courage to live up to your username and get past the lies, pastthelies.
Please, if you really truly love your husband as you claim, then put your big girl panties on, sit him down, confess your affair and deal with the consequences like a adult.
Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.