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Newest Member: graspingstraws99 (45451)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Pivotal moment! Advice please!
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to keep telling yourself that he is no longer your friend, no longer your lover, no longer your confidant/best friend.

He is the enemy.

You would never give an enemy ammunition to use against you. That's what he's trying to do. He's trying to regain his control over you, your thoughts, your decisions and your life.

He's absolutely furious that you've somehow found your backbone.

Keep telling yourself "He is the enemy now". It will get easier.

And definitely speak to your lawyer about your inheritance.

[This message edited by itainteasy at 9:34 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

remember this is about control.

information is the only way he can maintain control.

the less info he has the less control he has.

crickets are always a good response. you can expect some form of retaliation. usually this seems to be 1) financial or 2) parading OW in front of you.

protect yourself financially...make sure you have a slush fund in case he stops paying bills or limits access to marital funds.

if its the OW. ignore ignore ignore ignore. don't react. it will drive him nuts.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8462 | Registered: Apr 2008
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, you are dealing with a first class prick!! That right there was a threat. He wants control over you and wants you to know that if you don't cooperate with HIS wishes, he will punish you. That's a pretty big pair of balls after he's run around on you with another woman! I hope you find one ferocious lawyer and nail his arrogant ass to the wall.

Oh and totally agree with itainteasy - he is the enemy now. I wouldn't communicate a single word to him unless it was about kids or finances and even then I'd have the least emotional answer possible - "I'll talk to my lawyer and let you know" for instance.


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To help me with the crickets, I would count how many emails or texts he sent before I felt there was one meriting a response. My aim was to reach double digits each time, so I only responded when absolutely neccesary. And I hoped each one, as it piled up, drove him crazy.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 500 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Harriet, that's brilliant!


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1075 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really feeling the urge to at least respond to "I assume you haven't opened your own bank account to put money in.".

He has asked me this before and I've answered him (no!).

I would like to say :

You've already asked me about a separate bank account and I've answered you. If you don't believe me you are just as able as I am to look through the bank register and see where every penny has gone.

Thoughts?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, don't answer. Don't answer at all. Do not invite him to look at your bank records. He's not an idiot, he already knows what he can/cannot do or see.

None of this is his concern. I assume you are not a drooling idiot confined to a padded cell. I assume you are capable of making adult decisions, that you do not need a conservator to manage your life or dealings. It doesn't sound like he has the same assumptions about you. It sounds like he does think you're an idiot who is incapable of living.

Honestly, that's a better negotiating position for you than you realize. Let him have his delusions. Do not take them away from him.

Be strategic.

And be skeptical of his communication to you. I think him asking you to confirm if you have your own bank account is actually an insult disguised as concern.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9857 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. Unnecessary communication. Don't do it.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8112 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really feeling the urge to at least respond to "I assume you haven't opened your own bank account to put money in.".

He has asked me this before and I've answered him (no!).

I would like to say :

You've already asked me about a separate bank account and I've answered you. If you don't believe me you are just as able as I am to look through the bank register and see where every penny has gone.

Stop answering to him. You don't owe him answers and he puts YOU on the defensive. He is the one doing all the damage so just let this stuff flow over and around you.

He is capable of reading a bank statement. He can find his answers himself. Stay strong and resist the temptation to respond to his every question.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2988 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop. Talking. To. Him.
Period.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6590 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. It just feels rude. Is it rude?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it's not rude to limit communication with the person who betrayed you and from whom you are now getting a divorce. It feels rude to you because you do not have sufficient practice in being self-protective and strategic.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9857 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marriage is a relationship, divorce is business. In business against an opponent out to destroy and control you, you do not tip your hand or give them any information that is not necessary or required.

Not responding to him is protecting yourself. Protecting yourself against an enemy is not rude, it is prudent survival.

He fishes, cajoles, insults and derides you in order to gain control and thus the upper hand. DO NOT GIVE IT TO HIM ANYMORE! Now is the time to hold all your cards close to the vest and give him NO information that is not required. The banking request? That will come through discovery with your attorneys. His demand to know if you've contacted an attorney is nothing but an attempt at control. Realizing he does not have control results in a childish bullying tantrum and you have to stop reacting to him.

Me? When he went up the stairs with his "this is why we are divorcing because we can't communicate comment.." I would have said to him "No, we're divorcing because you cheated and betrayed me and our family. I'm not communicating with you because you've lost the right to know anything about my life until legally required to know. If you want information, you can speak to my attorney."

You've received a lot of good advice here. He is not your lover, husband or friend anymore. He is the enemy (particularly due to his actions and behaviors) and you need to treat him as such.

That whole saying of keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Yeah, not so much. Remember, Caeser's enemy he kept close killed him.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG - seriously?! Is it rude? This man screwed around you, lied to you, threatens an inheritance of yours, wants to control you, ETC!!! Why do you care if it is rude?? (It isn't, btw). Again, he is the enemy. This man is not your friend. You owe him nothing. Stop communicating and start 180ing.


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is asking to know things that he will get to know...eventually. He doesn't want to wait. He wants to make HIS plans. Plans which will benefit him to your detriment. None of this is about you, just like the A, this is all about him. Every time you talk to him, you help him and you hurt yourself. All his actions scream that he doesn't care about you at all. Nothing you can do to 'help' him is going to change that. I know you want it to, but it won't it just feeds his belief that he can disrespect and manipulate you and that you will just do what he wants. Stop playing his game. Start your own game with your rules. First ones being:

- if it's not a question, then it doesn't need an answer.
- if he can get the information elsewhere, then don't give him the information yourself.
- just because he DOES ask a question doesn't mean he's entitled to an answer.
- unless it's a genuine life and death emergency, do not reply in less than 2 hours, preferably the next day.
- if in doubt, crickets,then come on SI to check.

He needs to know you're not at his beck and call. And these new rules will really annoy him


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1075 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hereby give permission to nekorb to be rude to her jerk STBXWH.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to add

NO is a complete sentence.

No response is a response. It tells him he's not worth replying to.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like such an idiot that you all have to keep saying these things to me.

I guess I'm just having a hard time internalizing who my WH has become vs the man I knew.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not an idiot, honey. I struggled with this stuff, too. Almost every one of us did.

You know what part of the problem is? We're nice. Nice people answer questions when they are asked. Nice people don't say no. Nice people don't tell other people that they're overstepping. Nice people don't tell others to mind their own business.

The problem with being nice in divorce is that the other side? Isn't on your side anymore. Not your partner. Not your spouse. Not your friend. And certainly not looking out for anyone other than himself.

You have permission to stop being nice, honey. Stand up. Be assertive. Set your boundaries and defend them.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25843 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^Every.single.darn.thing.that NIK said. Perfectly written and expressed!


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8112 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 72
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