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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feel like I'm just going through the motions
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Frustrated  Posted: 8:38 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just really not okay. I function but mostly that's it. I spent all of last week sick as shit (bronchitis / possibly pneumonia), missed 3 days at 1 job and 2 days at the other - which I can't afford - doctor visit + antibiotics I couldn't afford. Now this week has just been playing "catch up" w/laundry, bills, housework, etc.

I don't even have the energy to vent about the latest assholish things the STBXPOS has pulled the last few weeks. Except to say this - he has started to get very pushy about getting the D moving faster... well I found out he's been parading a new girlfriend around town. Wow. He was trying to hoover/false R up until November and now he's just completely moved on.

Why do I even care???? Why does it still hurt so much??? For fucks sake the POS has basically been "dating" our entire marriage so what's the big deal now?

I can do this single parent / only responsible party thing - it's hard but I've really always done it myself - it's the emotional shit I'm really struggling with right now.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2008
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you seeing an IC? That really helps me especially when I get stressed out, and I'm lucky I don't have young children to contend with and I still get tired too.

Give your yourself a break. This shit is hard. Plus like you said you've been sick so, that doesn't help matters. When I really am stressed, I journal like there's no tomorrow. It's one of the main reasons I feel as good as I do since D-day. It gets all the shit out of my head and I feel like I can breath.

You'll be ok. Get some sleep and be nice to yourself. Nobody goes through this easily.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in IC but have been going infrequently because there simply aren't enough hours in the day. Plus I've been swamped getting my four kids to their various appointments (including IC). I am so tired of everybody else's needs coming before mine. Please don't take that wrong, I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything - I do not resent them in any way and actually feel pity for the POS who takes little to no responsibility as it's truly his loss - but that said I sometimes feel like a freakin' martyr and I'm sick of it. I want a life but just feel "stuck".

Emotionally I feel like I'm not healing at all. Not moving forward at all. I'm to the point where I feel numb. And it feels worse than the sadness, the anger... and joy? What I wouldn't give to feel some fucking joy in my life. Now I'm even feeling guilty for being whiny. It's like I know there are others who have it so much worse I feel like a whiny bitch sitting on my pity pot.

I am giving him WAY too much space in my head and I don't know how to stop.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2008
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This will sound trite, but sometimes at night, I just take a huge snuggly blanket and watch some TV and shut my brain off. You have four kids. You have huge responsibilities. BUT, you don't have to have all this figured out right now. Relax for a minute and take a breath; all you need to worry about is right now. Don't fill your head with worry about shit that hasn't even happened yet.

Think about all the good you do every day. Slow down. Think about what you want to rebuild for yourself and your kids in the future. Think positive. Believe me, I am a champion brooder, but my own situation has taught me that I really am bigger than the shit hand I've been dealt. This shit is not insurmountable, it really isn't. It's hard work, it's incredibly trying at times, but you have it in you to make your life what you want it to be.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Sparkles
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emotionally I feel like I'm not healing at all. Not moving forward at all. I'm to the point where I feel numb. And it feels worse than the sadness, the anger... and joy? What I wouldn't give to feel some fucking joy in my life. Now I'm even feeling guilty for being whiny. It's like I know there are others who have it so much worse I feel like a whiny bitch sitting on my pity pot.

Kjac, I'm at this spot too. I discussed it (crying) with my therapist. The life I had is gone and now I am busting my ass taking care of the kids, dealing with a divorce, etc and it feels like there is nothing "there" that has replaced it. There isn't even time to begin a new life. I'm in a new state, new home so no close friends nearby. It's really hard and depressing sometimes.

I don't have anything wise to tell you, but like you, I try to count my blessing and remember that things always change. I'm counting on them changing for the better.

Hugs to you.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You care because you are human. Because you have a long history with him. And because this is all so very, very recent. You have been through a trauma and come out understandably shaken. But you're still taking care of business--hey, that's impressive! And you can't control getting sick.

Think about how many issues this guy has to be behaving how he has during your M/D. And be grateful that even though you struggle you are 10million times the person he is and will find a more enduring happiness than whatever he has going on right now.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 6

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