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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Planning for the Future??
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are at that point ...late 50s...where moving on to the retirement getting closer and adjustments, planning is so needed. Since dday 4 years ago, I have not been able to think beyond next week, or on a good day, next month. I cannot get past the feeling that tomorrow I may find out he has broken NC, or never had NC and that will be the end of us. We still have a few more years til our youngest is out of school and really on her own securely...what if he is just riding the M out for 2 more years and will go to her. When I am able to think ahead, I can't seem to focus on "our retirement plan, life insurance, mortgage, etc. without thinking I am going to invest hope into our growing old together just to have it fall apart. Yet I also know that planning our future will build bonds between us and could be a really good thing.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
EaglesWings
♀ Member
Member # 41156
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with you sister!!! At times his planning for the future has been reassuring, knowing that he is investing in the future, that plans are for us together. Yet other times I just feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall...I used to feel great security knowing he would be there, that I didn't have to face getting old and feeble alone. That pure trust and sense of security is gone. For the first year I wouldn't even get my mammogram because I knew our M couldn't survive a cancer diagnosis. Stupid I know, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I am over that now, I know I can face whatever happens, but sometimes planning makes me feel so vulnerable I just can't stand it. Sorry, no words of wisdom, just know your thoughts and fears are shared!!


Just one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread....

Posts: 54 | Registered: Oct 2013
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

funny you should mention mammograms...just after dday, my brain wasn't functioning well and it is like I went into this "I don't know what to do and have no control" mode and started frantically trying to get everything in my life I could control in place. I had a mam apt and did not break it...first time ever, I had an "abnormality" that ended up with a biopsy...so about 3 weeks post dday I am getting a biopsy and thinking about him sitting in the waiting room texting her...at least it put things in perspective a little...not knowing your grandkids seemed so much worse than A. I kinda always have a plan be future in my head as well and for now can sort of keep our future flexible, but in a few years I will have to make some decisions...I don't think he will ever leave me...he has said he never would. I just worry I will have to leave him b/c he has broken NC or because I still don't feel like he is here b/c he really wants to grow old with me.

Thanks for listening...it just weighs on me sometimes.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crossroads2010 - When I am able to think ahead, I can't seem to focus on "our retirement plan, life insurance, mortgage, etc. without thinking I am going to invest hope into our growing old together just to have it fall apart.

It's sad that the fear of something happening, somewhere in the unknown future can be so devastating right now in the present. I'm not sure if LF feels this way but I suspect that she has probably spend some time and energy pondering this as she has voiced her fears that one day, the OW could show up at the door and she fears that |I would leave. Given this fear, it would not be surprising to find out that she also worries if the future will ever turn out as she/we planned.

However, sometimes, as I read posts from the BS community in the Reconciliation forum, wondering "why am I staying" and I read about spouses staying for the children or staying due to finances, I often find myself wondering, how many of these BS will end up leaving their spouses in the future? How often are remorseful WS's who have stopped their cheating ways been blindsided years later as their BS's make the decision 10 or 15 years later to leave? I think a lot of WS's share the same worry too.

I guess the reality for both the WS and BS community is that fear is our common denominator. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of being rejected, fear of being used.

And the simple solution to fear is to simply open up and communicate. Talk about it and you may be surprised to hear words of positive commitment for a future life come out of the mouths of the WS. And yes, I know that words are only words unless verified by years of consistent action proven by verification.

However, I also feel that while you will never regain blind trust in your WS, the act of not even allowing for any trust, due to fear, is almost a guarantee for a horrible future.

HUFI

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused, donít listen to your heart, its fickle, listen to your soul, God doesnít steer you wrong - HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUFI...First, let me say that early on in this process when I first started looking at SI, I read several of your posts and they gave me very good perspective on what a truly remorseful WS was and the knowledge that a WS really could understand the depth of damage an A causes. I have great respect for your opinions.

It's sad that the fear of something happening, somewhere in the unknown future can be so devastating right now in the present.

Yes..it is. I don't get up everyday thinking what if one of us gets cancer, or the house burns down, or...whatever. I don't even think everyday, what if this is the day I find out he broke NC? But I do have difficulty with future planning...especially the parts that involve us as a couple. I just get up today and go to work, get gas for the car...get ready for tomorrow...next week...etc. But to think what about 5 years from now...2 years...even 1 year from now...it is like the road ahead is foggy and I can't see beyond a certain point. Unless I am going through a really bad time, I can usually enjoy a good day and live in the moment when we are enjoying life.

I have no doubt that he probably has the similar fears...if I put myself in his place, I can see that another A would be way more life-altering for him. From my perspective, the aftermath dday affected him very little.
I also think you are right about the WS being blindsided years later...the effects may be delayed...it is all a risk for everyone involved.

Talk about it and you may be surprised to hear words of positive commitment for a future life come out of the mouths of the WS. And yes, I know that words are only words unless verified by years of consistent action proven by verification.

I think this may very well be the case if I could read his mind, but the words...??? For the first two years, I talked, then tried to get him to talk...answer questions...he just gets frustrated...he says he can't change what I know... can't say anything that would matter...needs to put it in the past...needs me to stop picking the scab...says that not trusting him doesn't show love, etc. Talking to him about this is useless!!

I do believe him when he says that he never plans to leave me...that adds to the mistrust that if he has another A or breaks NC, he would be honest and tell me.

I also fell a little dishonest myself in NOT making it clear that I have issues in our future planning.

I know that words are only words unless verified by years of consistent action proven by verification

I am so very weary of verifying (this is one thing that does weigh heavily on the BS) and have come to the conclusion that if I have to verify, I don't trust...

Sorry I was rambling but you bring up good points.

Thanks


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 5

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