Now he says he wants to try some time apart. He says there is a chance we could reconcile, but he doesn't know what he wants right now.
Guess what? 10 months later he's still not done anything positive and is still in his wayward behaviours.
The Arse is diagnosed as passive aggressive personality disorder. He actually did do some token IC, but stopped as soon as it got too close to the mark. He ended up leaving, truly, because he realised that I wasn't going to rugsweep and that if he wanted to stay he'd have to get some good boundaries and get into IC - which scares him silly, not that he could admit that. But he tried to spin it like yours has.
Oh and he also wants us to be friends, because, you know, friends cause you the worst pain possible, blame it on you and do nothing to help fix the problem You might get that angle from yours too.
I have been at SI for ten years. Over the years both here and in my own situation, any time a WS wants to leave the house to "work on theirself", the only thing they are working on, is the OW/OM.
He said he has been a horrible husband and that I deserve better.
He said he needs some time to think things through.
he said he has never in his life been really happy
and needs to get to the bottom of things...
I'm surprised he is suddenly being more mature about this.
Now he says he wants to try some time apart.
He says there is a chance we could reconcile, but he doesn't know what he wants right now.
I'm also afraid that this is really about continuing with HER- OW. Especially since I know she and HER husband have just split.
I have asked him to tell me the truth about that. He doesn't answer in that mad defiant way he normally does when he's hiding something. He says no he is not in contact with her and no this is not about her.
This man is not your friend. He is not telling you the truth. He is not stopping his affar. I know our brains have a hard time understanding it. I had to do surveillance on my XWH for 3 weeks with mounds and mounds of evidence before it finally got through my thick skull that yes, they were having an affair, and yes, he was lying to me over and over and over.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Let him move out and SHOW YOU with his actions that what he says is true. Until then, assume it's all lies.
I felt like he was suddenly being mature, when in fact, he was running away. He simply didn't have the ability to face himself. Albeit, my ex is gay, the cheating/lying/everything is scarily similar. Cheaters are cheaters and they have a handbook.
He "just wanted me to be happy". I have said for a long time, the truth is he could NOT handle my anger at what he had done. So, instead of facing it and trying to fix it, he ran. He said he needed to "work on himself", but what he really needed was an easier way to continue the affair. There never was any "working on himself", and he still proves himself to be an immature, self-serving person.
It sucks and I'm sorry. The best thing you can do is focus on what YOU need for the future.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
It can be hard to know if it's the end. He might be setting up shop with the OW; he might really be working on himself; he might start doing the first, and end up doing the second. Whatever he does, or wants to do, you can't impact it, because it's not about you, but about his fucked-upness. Fixing that is his job, and if he can't do it now, he can't.
So (and you know this), you do your best to focus on you. The space away from him will be good for you. It will be a relief to not have to struggle, to fight, and you'll get more clarity this way.
I think the 'focus on you' part doesn't mean you won't still think about him, though. You'll keep moving forward whatever happens. And his moving out seems like it will help you significantly in making progress moving on whatever is ahead, whether R or D.
The ow lives in another province...
It took him 72 hours to find an apartment (according to the credit card bill). Also according to the credit card bill, they stayed in an expensive resort the first week. Don't you know that $9,500+ he spent on furniture, first months rent and deposit, utilities, clothes, jewelry, perfume, fancy new hair do for her took almost a week to all come together after he got his apartment.
I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you a pretty lie, but it will only hurt more in the end.
Do the 180, and when possible NC until he shows you he is willing to R. Of course, with the 180, if he waits too long, you may find out that you are better off without him. I know you don't believe that right now, but with distance, while he is wooing the OW, YOU will get more clarity.
You cannot control his actions, only yours. You cannot control him moving out, but you can control whether you start to move forward or fall down the rabbit hole with the craziness that A's bring.
[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:32 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]
He may or may not be setting up shop with this OW, or there may or may not be another OW on the sidelines. But I will tell you what he's not doing, he's not separating to gain perspective, or to think things through, or to figure out what he wants. And there is nothing you can do but let him go and start this whole nightmarish process. I just don't want you to be blindsided when you find out what myself and other seasoned SI'ers can already see.
I really heard the same stuff, pretty much word for word. All that, plus some other gems.
I am with sparky, and the one thing I can tell you with certainty is that this stuff was the end for me/us/him. After saying all that cliche stuff, he first tried it out with OW. That didn't work out, so he roped me in a little, while also trying a few other ladies he apparently had on retainer. Those don't seem to be going too well either, but the fact is, other women, not himself, is REALLY what he wanted to work on. I don't think he's doing a damn thing for himself other than trying new relationships, despite all his talk of "working on himself." He even frigging told me, "to understand myself, I need to be in other relationships." God, I feel like crying just typing this, it is so, so, so painful. Feeling mixed up, being on your knees in tears - yes. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I don't know what your story will be, but this was mine. Keep posting, we're here for you. This is so hard. Hugs hugs hugs.
but he knows I'll find someone someday who will treat me well like I deserve.
This tells me he isn't planning on coming back, no matter what he is doing.
I'm in Canada too. His OW was in a different Province. He drove back and forth to spend time with her.
He said he would never leave his kids; I believed him. After ignoring them for a year to be with OW, he broke up with her and had a new GF within 2 weeks, and moved over an hour away to be with her, leaving his kids.
ANYTHING he says right now it suspect. His head is up his butt. He's only thinking of himself. Not you. Not the kids.
I'm glad you talked to a lawyer to know what your rights are. After today, no more telling him anything you learn. It's up to him to learn himself. He's not your friend. He's looking out for him. He's not going to look out for your best interest.
Concentrate on you and your kids. Whatever will happen between you and him in the future, you need to be sure you are the strongest and best you you can be. You can do this.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 8:56 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]
He started to cry and said that it would kill him, but he knows I'll find someone someday who will treat me well like I deserve.
"It's not going to kill me, otherwise I wouldn't leave. But I'll look a heartless arse if I just walk out without making you think I care. And of course it keeps the door open for me in the future if finding my happy doesn't work out. I hope you find someone because then I can stop feeling so guilty and can tell myself that the A actually did us all a favour. Plus if you find someone then I can tell myself you didn't really love me, the M was a big mistake from the beginning, in fact we should never have got married, so none of this is my fault"
He said he loves me, but we just can't get along
"I can't get along with YOU. It's YOUR fault we can't get along. I'm a reasonable guy and you DROVE me to have an A. How else could it happen? I mean, I must love you because I married you. So it must be your fault that all this happened. You're completely unreasonable for not letting me rugsweep all this. If you'd just shut up I might stay..."
And let me translate that back into SI speak: He's trying to play on your love for him so that he can make you accept at least partial blame for his choices. He's manipulating you to make himself feel better about doing what he really wants...which is to walk away from facing the pain that he has caused with his A.
[This message edited by Softcentre at 12:03 AM, February 21st, 2014 (Friday)]