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Newest Member: tryingtolove (44683)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this the end?
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he knows I'll find someone someday who will treat me well like I deserve

THAT, my sister, is the answer to your questioning title to this thread. Yes, this is the end. He's already left you in every way but physical. It's already over. I am so very sorry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9493 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the other posters advice. For your own sake, you need to do a hard 180 immediately. Read up on it in the Guidelines and ask for input. Your interactions need to move to kids and finances only - right now. He has clearly made a choice - if you choose to whine and wait around as a victim as HE "figures things out" you only give him power. It's time to take your own power.

ETA - I know you are wondering right now if there is any hope - if there IS any hope - it hinges on you taking your own power and standing up for yourself. Though that isn't the goal - the goal is simply to take control of your own life - if he wants to participate in that down the line - that's your call - if not - you are learning to live your life on your own terms.

[This message edited by persevere at 12:40 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Darcy3
♀ New Member
Member # 39696
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't get the motivation behind the lie.

OW lived 2 hrs away and my ex swore from the day he left that he was not seeing her. He told me that for 5 months, and the fool that I was believed him because I didn't see why he would lie about it....what point was there for him to lie, he had already said he wanted a divorce.

I can still remember 3 months after we had separated and right after he had started a new job that was an hour and a half away....where he said he was staying at a friends till he could get his own place...he had came down to see the kids and I had asked him if he was seeing anyone and if he was still staying at his friends. He looked me straight in the eyes and said "No I'm not seeing anyone and I promise you that I will tell you when I move out of Rick's". Found out a few months later that he had moved in with ow a couple weeks before that day and he had never stopped seeing her after DDay.

Who the hell knows why they continue to lie about it....but most of them do. So just be careful that your not seeing only what he wants you to see.

[This message edited by Darcy3 at 1:13 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


Me = BS
Him = WS
3 teenagers
Married 24 years
D-Day: Nov. 10, 2012
Divorced

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013
Titanium
♀ Member
Member # 38866
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to sound harsh here but from what I've read and from what ive lived I think it's only fair to tell it how I see and read it.....

he is sugar coating it as an easy way out........

Dont put yourself through anymore pain...he is full of shit...

I didnt want to separate or divorce. I kept going....hanging in there......full of hope and faith......

It did my head in and I ended up where I am now.....on my own...he with the whore....

put yourself first and take the control.....he wants an easy way out thats all....they are cowards.

save yourself more pain and leave. If he is genuine thats the only way you will see. You will also save that part of yourself that is so valuable.......your self worth...

Its so hard to get back when you give your all and they still only think of themselves......

You deserve better and there is BETTER for you.

so sorry for being blunt but your story is like mine and I believed what he said and I am still picming up the pieces while he lives happily in a waterfront apartment with a pondscum sucking POS.

TRUST YOUR GUT....leave everything else out of it.

Biggest hugs to you x


BS me 48
Him 45 NPD/SA fucktard
1 beautiful DS
M 20 yr T 24
DD#1 Jan 12
DD#2 Aug 12 LTA/PA with pond scum
Divorced....... :))
Shoot me down but I wont fall.
I am Titanium

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my XWH moved out he said he was staying in a room he was renting from a guy off Craigslist - we budgeted $$$ to cover it during the D process - turns out he was staying with OW the entire time....


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He looked me right in the eyes and said no. He said "she doesn't want me...she is trying to figure her own shit out." I said "do you want her?" And he said no. So...this is a lie? ��
My XWH said the exact same thing, right after I had put a GPS tracker and trailed him, with my girlfriends in one of their husband's car that he wouldn't recognize, and watched him drop his car in a parking lot, walk a block away, where OW picked him up and drove him back to her house. Where they spent the night. Then, he texted me FROM INSIDE OW'S HOUSE, as we were sitting in my friend's husband's car outside of OW house, telling me he loved me. He had told me he was working overnights.

After this night, he looked me RIGHT IN THE FACE, with TEARS STREAMING, and said something similar to what your XWH said above.

And I sat there, stone-faced with my best poker face on, and thought to myself "you lying piece of shit motherfucker". Thinking back to the surveillance info me and my friends had, and yet, he still sat there with this academy award winning performance. I almost wanted to start clapping and shout "BRAVO!".

Had I not done the GPS tracker and done surveillance, I would have fallen for this acting scene that he performed for me.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3296 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine also swore he wasn't seeing her when he left and that the reasons he wanted to leave we're largely my fault. At the same time, he kept telling me he didnt want a D because he still had doubts about his decision. He planted his ass right on that fence for a couple of heart wrenching months. He took all the control away from me and i sat right on the fence next to him, waiting and praying he would make the choice i wanted him to make. I knew in my heart what was happening but I was too afraid to really look.

He only got knocked off the fence when my best friend saw him out with her, which happened to be the night before we were scheduled to attend our first MC appointment.. I called and asked if he was with her. He had the nerve to lie again and tell me that they "just started seeing each other" after he had left us, as if that made it all okay.

I was wrecked. I have no true recollection of a lot of the weeks after that. I know that I told him he was dead to me and that I hired my attorney that next week. What happened after that in the months that followed are still fuzzy.

The one thing I do recall is going to my IC appointment, right on DDay and asking, no begging, her to tell me why he lied to me like that. I wanted to know why he couldn't just say it. Why did he have to put me through all of that - it was the most cruel thing I'd ever experienced. He had the power to stop it, to tell the truth and to kill all of my hope right then and there. He didn't and he watched as I died a little more every day because of him. I will hate him forever for that.

My IC looked me in the face and said that he lied because he still wanted me there. He wanted me to be the backup. He knew I was still there emotionally and he didn't want to cut that emotional tie until he was ready. My feelings and my pain played no role in his decisions.

It's only a true coward who can do that. Even if we are so vilified and they can point to reasons why they hate us, it's still no excuse. I wouldn't treat a stranger like that and here was my own husband treating me like I deserved to experience that level of pain because the very fact that i was alive and breathing was the obstacle to the new life he wanted.

No one here can tell you for sure if this is really the end. Chances are pretty good that it is. I think the main message is that you have to dig deep and find the strength to put an end to this pain that he is causing you. Once you take control, you will step out of this horrible limbo and find the peace you need to heal. As long as he's allowed to perch on that fence, he's keeping you from healing, which is exactly where he wants you. He wants you to remain broken so that if he chooses to come back, your broken self will welcome him back.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2756 | Registered: Jan 2011
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night when he was asleep I checked his phone. There we several long conversations between he and a mutual male work friend who knows both of their situations...I woke WH up and said- what's up with these phone calls? I said- I know you have been talking to him about you and OW and what you're going to do...how work could be affected, etc...

And then he FINALLY confessed that he HAD talked to OW that day and had been talking with her on and off for the last few weeks. The conversation was basically her saying that she didn't think things were going to work out. Too much fallout with jobs and families and too much risk to move out of province for an A that was never a real relationship. She said she thought they should stop talking because it was clouding everything and she wanted to get her shit together.

I asked him how he felt about that- was he sad? He said he was sad about everything. I asked him if he had feelings for her (again) - he' said "I don't know..."

This morning after the kids left for school I told him that although we agreed to slogging through living together until after the kid's winter break (3 weeks) I now wanted him to leave TODAY.

I said thank you for telling me the truth about your convo with her....but you lied about it to begin with. You erased it from your phone so I couldn't see it. You lied about being in contact with her over the last many weeks when I asked. You sat in MC and told the MC you had no contact with her when you did. I said- this is why we have never progressed in the last two years because you have always had one foot out the door and an attachment to her. I have been lied to enough and I REFUSE to be on standby anymore. You need to leave tonight. I quit.
And, for now, he agreed.

I'm waiting for the big fight that always happens when shit gets real. The dramatic "I'm not leaving- YOU ARE" anger. But I'm calm.

He just called me crying in tears saying that nothing is happening between them and that his leaving has nothing to do with her- that he needs to figure himself out. AGAIN....
He sobs to me saying "Please when people find out about this- please don't tell them I'm a cheater." and "Please still be my friend."

I said- ok. I'll tell them you didn't love me. And he sobbed. "I do love you- I'll always love you. We have a twisted horrible past- but we have a bond despite of all that that I will always love."

And this is where I hit the skids. So I guess I need to shut these convos down because I get all emotional and pathetic. I tell him he's making a big mistake. She makes him feel good, I get it - but he hasn't given me the chance to do the same thing (LOATHING MYSELF HERE...but I said it...) That she isn't right for him in many ways. blah blah blah. He said- "I gotta go. I told you the truth- nothing is happening with her. I finally start to tell you the truth and you NEVER believe me...you're right about everything you say about her- which is why it's not happening. Too much mess."

Anyway. I guess I'm sad because I thought that his TORTUREDNESS (not a word- but y'know) was about the gravity of giving me up. But reading your posts make me think otherwise.

I know he is totally self centred and head up butt right now...but I thought maybe he was not sleeping, not eating, sick, crying all the time over fear or letting me go. I guess not



"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Darcy3
♀ New Member
Member # 39696
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Klove)))


Me = BS
Him = WS
3 teenagers
Married 24 years
D-Day: Nov. 10, 2012
Divorced

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. It feels awful when the realization comes that all of the WS' angst and tears are *all about them* and their life blowing up and the possibility of being *outed*....instead of being about not having us, their BS, in their life anymore.

I think it will serve you really well to stop having these conversations with him. They are just too hurtful and damaging to you.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7906 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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