SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so mixed up...

After weeks of horrible fighting and horrible mc sessions (incl our mc suggesting we physically separate for a bit to gain perspective...) -my WH calmly told me yesterday he thinks he should move out... Well. Not CALMLY. Tearfully and apologetically. He said he has been a horrible husband and that I deserve better. He said he needs some time to think things through. He wishes I could be that smiley girl he fell in love with, but realizes he destroyed that for now...he said he has never in his life been really happy and needs to get to the bottom of things...

I totally agree with him. I'm surprised he is suddenly being more mature about this. When our mc suggested it- his reaction (at home) was "You're moving out- I can afford our home, you can't" and "if we separate it's forever- I'm not coming back,"

Now he says he wants to try some time apart. He says there is a chance we could reconcile, but he doesn't know what he wants right now. He will leave and live at his brothers house. We will work out something with the kids.

And I don't know what I want either. I don't want separation or divorce, but I certainly don't want this shit marriage.

I just feel so SAD. I stayed home from work today because I just couldn't face it...walking by our family picture collages in the hallway has brought me to my knees in tears...

I'm also afraid that this is really about continuing with HER- OW. Especially since I know she and HER husband have just split. I have asked him to tell me the truth about that. He doesn't answer in that mad defiant way he normally does when he's hiding something. He says no he is not in contact with her and no this is not about her. It's about HIM and figuring his fucked up self out (finally)- he says he thinks about her sometimes...wonders how he is, what she's doing...but he claims he has no romantic feelings for her.

He says he loves me, but he is unsure what he wants...

I know I should be using this time to focus on my own feelings, blah blah blah...and I am. I'm exercising and eating healthy and trying to focus on the boys and I've booked in with a counsellor. We decided we would quit MC and he is supposedly going to IC while we are separated.

I just feel so sad and hopeless...

Any thoughts? Can you make me feel better anyone who has lived through this either way.

Thank you.

Klove,

I don't know if this is the end for you or not. Maybe separation is a good thing? Do you trust your mc? Maybe s/he has a point. Maybe a trial separation until you figure things out? From the tone of your post and the situation you have described perhaps you both need some space to deal with things. I would suggest that you try to calmly think this through, and maybe space is needed for that. I know this isn't the best advice, but I do know once my STBXH left, my life has gotten a lot calmer. Best of luck and hugs!

I KNOW it's right. Fuck, my WH travels for work (part of this whole mess)- and I feel calmer when he's gone. But then I start to jump way ahead to IF this is permanent. I think of the Xmas party we love to host. The concert weekend just he and I go to in the summer, the ski trips together. I love him, the fucking fucked up bastard. I'll miss him terribly. But I do know he is not enough for me and not good for me. I'm really pretty and he hasn't touched me in 10 months!!!

I'm pretty sure our mc suggested it because we were making zero progress because my WH wasn't putting into practice anything we did in mc. He just couldn't. Mc suggested IC for WH- which he balked at at first. I hope he goes during separation. He says he knows he needs to for himself and the kids. Mc was an every two week bandaid. I tried really hard outside of counselling- he didn't.

He sounds just like The Arse, even down to saying this when he moved out:

Now he says he wants to try some time apart. He says there is a chance we could reconcile, but he doesn't know what he wants right now.

Guess what? 10 months later he's still not done anything positive and is still in his wayward behaviours.

The Arse is diagnosed as passive aggressive personality disorder. He actually did do some token IC, but stopped as soon as it got too close to the mark. He ended up leaving, truly, because he realised that I wasn't going to rugsweep and that if he wanted to stay he'd have to get some good boundaries and get into IC - which scares him silly, not that he could admit that. But he tried to spin it like yours has.

Oh and he also wants us to be friends, because, you know, friends cause you the worst pain possible, blame it on you and do nothing to help fix the problem You might get that angle from yours too.

I am going to be very honest with you, because I think you need to hear it.

I have been at SI for ten years. Over the years both here and in my own situation, any time a WS wants to leave the house to "work on theirself", the only thing they are working on, is the OW/OM.

He said he has been a horrible husband and that I deserve better.

I heard this from my XWH, later finding out he was continuing his affair.

He said he needs some time to think things through.

I heard this too, and guess what? He wanted to leave to continue the affair.

he said he has never in his life been really happy

He is telling you the truth here.

and needs to get to the bottom of things...

this part, not so much. The only thing he is going to get to the bottom of, is the OW.

I'm surprised he is suddenly being more mature about this.

He's not. He is most likely continuing his affair.

Now he says he wants to try some time apart.

What he wants to try out, is the OW. Especially if she left her spouse too? Hate to point out the obvious here...

He says there is a chance we could reconcile, but he doesn't know what he wants right now.

This is called fence-sitting. He wants to keep you as a backup plan. Don't let him.

I'm also afraid that this is really about continuing with HER- OW. Especially since I know she and HER husband have just split.

Exactly.

I have asked him to tell me the truth about that. He doesn't answer in that mad defiant way he normally does when he's hiding something. He says no he is not in contact with her and no this is not about her.

He is not telling you the truth here, and he's not going to. NOT ONCE have I ever seen a WS tell the truth here, almost always, they are continuing with the OP even when they say they arent.

This man is not your friend. He is not telling you the truth. He is not stopping his affar. I know our brains have a hard time understanding it. I had to do surveillance on my XWH for 3 weeks with mounds and mounds of evidence before it finally got through my thick skull that yes, they were having an affair, and yes, he was lying to me over and over and over.

(((Hugs)))

I'm sorry.

Let him move out and SHOW YOU with his actions that what he says is true. Until then, assume it's all lies.

The ow lives in another province...

Yes, I'm afraid I heard a lot of the this from my ex too. Almost word for word.

I felt like he was suddenly being mature, when in fact, he was running away. He simply didn't have the ability to face himself. Albeit, my ex is gay, the cheating/lying/everything is scarily similar. Cheaters are cheaters and they have a handbook.

He "just wanted me to be happy". I have said for a long time, the truth is he could NOT handle my anger at what he had done. So, instead of facing it and trying to fix it, he ran. He said he needed to "work on himself", but what he really needed was an easier way to continue the affair. There never was any "working on himself", and he still proves himself to be an immature, self-serving person.

It sucks and I'm sorry. The best thing you can do is focus on what YOU need for the future.

((((Klove))))

It can be hard to know if it's the end. He might be setting up shop with the OW; he might really be working on himself; he might start doing the first, and end up doing the second. Whatever he does, or wants to do, you can't impact it, because it's not about you, but about his fucked-upness. Fixing that is his job, and if he can't do it now, he can't.

So (and you know this), you do your best to focus on you. The space away from him will be good for you. It will be a relief to not have to struggle, to fight, and you'll get more clarity this way.

I think the 'focus on you' part doesn't mean you won't still think about him, though. You'll keep moving forward whatever happens. And his moving out seems like it will help you significantly in making progress moving on whatever is ahead, whether R or D.

The ow lives in another province...

I know it hurts to hear this, but sparkysable is correct.

My STBXH told me almost word for word EVERYTHING your WS told you.

His OW lived 2,000 miles away. Within 48 hours he moved her to our state and start looking for his lurve nestfor her.

It took him 72 hours to find an apartment (according to the credit card bill). Also according to the credit card bill, they stayed in an expensive resort the first week. Don't you know that $9,500+ he spent on furniture, first months rent and deposit, utilities, clothes, jewelry, perfume, fancy new hair do for her took almost a week to all come together after he got his apartment.

I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you a pretty lie, but it will only hurt more in the end.

Do the 180, and when possible NC until he shows you he is willing to R. Of course, with the 180, if he waits too long, you may find out that you are better off without him. I know you don't believe that right now, but with distance, while he is wooing the OW, YOU will get more clarity.

You cannot control his actions, only yours. You cannot control him moving out, but you can control whether you start to move forward or fall down the rabbit hole with the craziness that A's bring.

(((Klove)))

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:32 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

The ow lives in another province...

In my case, we were in the US and OW was in the UK at the time. Distance isn't always a deterrent, especially if the AP has left their spouse also. I've heard stories on SI of the WS moving, or moving the AP to where the WS is.

He may or may not be setting up shop with this OW, or there may or may not be another OW on the sidelines. But I will tell you what he's not doing, he's not separating to gain perspective, or to think things through, or to figure out what he wants. And there is nothing you can do but let him go and start this whole nightmarish process. I just don't want you to be blindsided when you find out what myself and other seasoned SI'ers can already see.

I just got off the phone with a lawyer for consult. I wonder if WH knows how much this will cost even if we split 100% amicably? I probably shoukdn't have, but I told him I had this phone consult. He was fucking furious- in Canada we have no fault divorce...so there is no "race."

I just feel sick- but a bit better with some knowledge under my belt.

So there is no possibility that this comes as a realization after our mc said to split? We have a trip planned and paid for with our kids in two weeks. He is staying until that is over and then leaving. He wouldn't up and move away from his kids. The ow works with him and has no kids. I'm not sure if she would move. Maybe they will continue their a on phone or text.

I guess- what can I really do about it?

It would be so much easier if he said " yes- I'm going to see where my feelings with her go..."

I don't get the motivation behind the lie.

It never fails to take my breath away and give me the shivers when I hear the same words from my ex's mouth in the mouth of another wayward.

I really heard the same stuff, pretty much word for word. All that, plus some other gems.

I am with sparky, and the one thing I can tell you with certainty is that this stuff was the end for me/us/him. After saying all that cliche stuff, he first tried it out with OW. That didn't work out, so he roped me in a little, while also trying a few other ladies he apparently had on retainer. Those don't seem to be going too well either, but the fact is, other women, not himself, is REALLY what he wanted to work on. I don't think he's doing a damn thing for himself other than trying new relationships, despite all his talk of "working on himself." He even frigging told me, "to understand myself, I need to be in other relationships." God, I feel like crying just typing this, it is so, so, so painful. Feeling mixed up, being on your knees in tears - yes. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't know what your story will be, but this was mine. Keep posting, we're here for you. This is so hard. Hugs hugs hugs.

Well...you all seem to be saying the same thing. I trust in your experience. It's so hard to know the truth...he came home from work today at an unexpected time...he knew I was home. He looks exhausted and almost crazy- disheveled. Hasn't eaten properly in days. TMI- but has the shits galore...

Anyway. He came into our room to chat. Asked how I was feeling. I said scared and sad...but understanding that this separation (or something drastic) has to happen...

I asked again if this had anything to do with her. He looked me right in the eyes and said no. He said "she doesn't want me...she is trying to figure her own shit out." I said "do you want her?" And he said no. So...this is a lie? 😔

He started to cry and said that it would kill him, but he knows I'll find someone someday who will treat me well like I deserve. I said I knew that was true.

Ugh. This is just awfullll. He is a giant mess and I'm a giant mess. He said he loves me, but we just can't get along- which is true.

Well...you all seem to be saying the same thing. I trust in your experience. It's so hard to know the truth...he came home from work today at an unexpected time...he knew I was home. He looks exhausted and almost crazy- disheveled. Hasn't eaten properly in days. TMI- but has the shits galore...

Anyway. He came into our room to chat. Asked how I was feeling. I said scared and sad...but understanding that this separation (or something drastic) has to happen...

I asked again if this had anything to do with her. He looked me right in the eyes and said no. He said "she doesn't want me...she is trying to figure her own shit out." I said "do you want her?" And he said no. So...this is a lie? 😔

He started to cry and said that it would kill him, but he knows I'll find someone someday who will treat me well like I deserve. I said I knew that was true.

Ugh. This is just awfullll. He is a giant mess and I'm a giant mess. He said he loves me, but we just can't get along- which is true.

Klove, honestly, none of us know if he's lying or not, or if he truly is going to OW or really just to go work on himself. One thing for sure though:

but he knows I'll find someone someday who will treat me well like I deserve.

This tells me he isn't planning on coming back, no matter what he is doing.

I'm in Canada too. His OW was in a different Province. He drove back and forth to spend time with her.

He said he would never leave his kids; I believed him. After ignoring them for a year to be with OW, he broke up with her and had a new GF within 2 weeks, and moved over an hour away to be with her, leaving his kids.

ANYTHING he says right now it suspect. His head is up his butt. He's only thinking of himself. Not you. Not the kids.

I'm glad you talked to a lawyer to know what your rights are. After today, no more telling him anything you learn. It's up to him to learn himself. He's not your friend. He's looking out for him. He's not going to look out for your best interest.

Concentrate on you and your kids. Whatever will happen between you and him in the future, you need to be sure you are the strongest and best you you can be. You can do this.

Klove, all of the things that he is doing and saying are the same things that my WH did, including the bold faced lie - he was still in his A. it was via email and phone. They work together for goodness sake, does it really matter what province she lives in?

Here is what I know, if his head was out of his ass yet and he knew he wanted to be with you, there would be none of this separation talk. He would be hanging on tooth and nail and busting his ass to win back your favor. The fact that he is fine with moving out should tell you all you need to know. The tears are crap - victim BS. "Oh poor me, I know that you can never trust me now and I can never make you happy. You'll find someone who will treat you right. I'm a terrible husband." Boo effing hoo! If he wanted to be a good husband that deserved you, he could. Problem is her rather experiment with his girlfriend and see if she can make him happy. Someday he'll realize that te rotting from within is what prevents his happiness, but that's not your problem.

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 8:56 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Let me turn on the unremorseful WS translator:

He started to cry and said that it would kill him, but he knows I'll find someone someday who will treat me well like I deserve.

"It's not going to kill me, otherwise I wouldn't leave. But I'll look a heartless arse if I just walk out without making you think I care. And of course it keeps the door open for me in the future if finding my happy doesn't work out. I hope you find someone because then I can stop feeling so guilty and can tell myself that the A actually did us all a favour. Plus if you find someone then I can tell myself you didn't really love me, the M was a big mistake from the beginning, in fact we should never have got married, so none of this is my fault"

He said he loves me, but we just can't get along

"I can't get along with YOU. It's YOUR fault we can't get along. I'm a reasonable guy and you DROVE me to have an A. How else could it happen? I mean, I must love you because I married you. So it must be your fault that all this happened. You're completely unreasonable for not letting me rugsweep all this. If you'd just shut up I might stay..."

And let me translate that back into SI speak: He's trying to play on your love for him so that he can make you accept at least partial blame for his choices. He's manipulating you to make himself feel better about doing what he really wants...which is to walk away from facing the pain that he has caused with his A.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 12:03 AM, February 21st, 2014 (Friday)]