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User Topic: Tmi - Don't want to offend, but need help with this
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, For three years now, I have kept something my WH did to myself and have not told anyone. It still hurts me that my husband would do something like this to me, but he did.

I don't want to get really graphic, but husband MB into something I ate without my knowledge. I don't know if it was one time or frequently. I don't want to know, knowing he did it once is more than enough for me. He can't give me a reason why, except that maybe he was mad at me. He can't tell me when it was (before the affair started or after), but based on other things he's said about the incident, I think it was probably before the affair. (Or at least before the time HE said it started - his GF said it was a lot longer)

Things like this scare me for our future. How could he have been so mad at me to have done something like this and then later tell me about it as if it's no big deal? I feel so violated. WH was into porn. Does viewing porn desensitize people and they begin to think that porn sex is the norm? If he was that mad at me, how could he have been acting as if nothing was wrong? He is not getting any professional help, but has seemed to stopped the porn. He has stopped other addictions cold turkey, so I know he is capable of it. The man he is showing himself to me now is very loving, caring, and remorseful, but until the affair started, I never knew that he treated me badly before. It's scary to think that not only did he feel justified in cheating, but he treated me like garbage behind my back while pretending like nothing was wrong.

I'm sorry if this is really disgusting, but I've kept this to myself for so long and am just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar and were they able to get through it. And if so, how they did it.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 296 | Registered: Aug 2011
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to get really graphic, but husband MB into something I ate without my knowledge.
What is MB? Is it something like Viagra for women? Or is it some kind of poison? Whatever it is sohurtbyhim, it actually frightens me that he could put anything into your food without your knowledge. How can you ever be sure he won't do it again?!!

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:33 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds very juvenile. I'd perhaps (but it's still extremely off!) expect it of some high school restaurant worker who was angry or something.
Hopefully he will be seeing an IC about this. But I've never heard about it in the sense you talk about. Maybe no one has admitted it?
It does sound like he was degrading you to inflate himself. Certainly very disrespectful. And it would be confusing to see the man you are seeing now versus the man you now know he was behind your back.
ETA: I'm assuming you mean masturbated .

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 10:40 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
fooledbyapilot
♀ Member
Member # 26349
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think MB means masturbate. This is completely disgusting. I am not sure how porn would tie into this.

I think it is about control and anger.


ME(BS):47 HIM (WS):50
WS Married 21 yrs together 33
dd#1- nov 16, 2009
DD#2-went out NYE 2009-found out Feb 2012
DD#2-Feb 5, 2010-date they had(found out Feb 2012)
dd#3 - June 16, 2010-broke NC
dd#4-Dec 31, 2010-broke contact
DD#5-Feb 21, 201

Posts: 187 | Registered: Nov 2009
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MB is abbreviation of masturbate.

I'm not sure what my reaction is - on one level I'm completely grossed out that he would do that .. on another level (and this is a little esoteric - so bear with me) the essence of the man was gifted to you (some cultures esteem the 'essence of life' so highly that MB on the ground is punishable by death) ... so WH was NO .. SORRY I can't even continue .. he's messed up!

Get YOU into counseling, if he's unwilling at least get you on the right road.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know...it is so disgusting. How could the man that I lived with for 30 years be so different than the way he portrayed himself to be....not just to me, but to his family, our friends and neighbors, etc. I don't know how he portrayed himself at work because he worked out of town and we didn't really socialize with his co-workers (or so he said, obviously he was more "social" than I thought), but I guess at work he was a different person.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 296 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't.know what that was,all about but I find it very disturbing. I'm sure someone out there may be able to figure it out, maybe IC? I would find it very difficult to have a shred of trust with him now..just violating and disgusting.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5045 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is about control and anger.

Yeah this.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, Ostrich, right?

I just thought, why would he even tell me he did this. When he told me months later that he did this, it wasn't in a fit of anger or anything. He simply stated matter of factly and he even thought it was funny because I shared the item with my mom and told her it was the best I had ever tasted. Must of made him feel real good knowing what he did.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 296 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That tells me he has some major unresolved anger. You may not be the origin of that anger, but you were the recipient of a major degradation. I am afraid this is more than him being able to turn off his addictions and become a loving husband. Your H has some major messed up head issues and he needs to get them worked out with somebody.

I think most of us have heard just about everything, so do not be embarrassed. That took real courage to admit. You have nothing to feel bad about. You have been a victim in real abuse and it is not your fault. Please do not confuse his kindnesses now for real change. Whether he did it once or a dozen times, he is in need of professional help, no matter what the trigger. Even if you separate out the slime factor, he did something cruel, sneaky, and dangerous to punish you for some perceived slight to him.

Why did he confess?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1474 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see it being out of anger, but I don't understand the control part. Can you please explain how you mean, "control"?


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 296 | Registered: Aug 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((sohurtbyhim))))) I'm so sorry, honey. It's upsetting just to read about, so I can't even begin to imagine how disturbing it must be for you.

I think it is about control and anger.
This was my first thought, too. Especially about control.

It's scary to think that not only did he feel justified in cheating, but he treated me like garbage behind my back while pretending like nothing was wrong.
I don't know that I could feel safe with someone who acted in that way. In my mind, he assaulted you. It's no different than drugging or poisoning someone. Very scary.

How did he present this information to you? What was his demeanor when he was talking about it?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25382 | Registered: Aug 2011
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

then later tell me about it as if it's no big deal?

He told you about it, but not in a way that indicated guilt? As in he just wanted you to know? And meh, it's not that big of a deal.

Aside from the Act itself, that's the really jacked up part. I sounds like he was getting off on the act of degradation. In order for you to be fully degraded by the act, you would have to be made aware of it, at time of his choosing.

((sohurtbyhim))

I lived next door to a guy who got off on getting his xwife (who he was pretending to reconcile with) to wear his AP's used lingerie, that she would leave behind at his apt. How do I know of this. He eagerly told our landlord who then repeated the story to me. I had to inform her that she had just been drawn into his sick game. He was getting off not only on the act, but by bringing her into the story to get her reactions.

I think this is beyond serious.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cross posted with you.
He simply stated matter of factly and he even thought it was funny because I shared the item with my mom and told her it was the best I had ever tasted. Must of made him feel real good knowing what he did.
I don't even know what to say to this. I'm just beside myself on your behalf.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25382 | Registered: Aug 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he even thought it was funny

That just . . . the fact that he thought it was funny says to me he has no remorse for doing it. That is so blatantly disrespectful.

Control - because he did this without your knowledge or consent. You had no say as to whether or not you consumed this - substance - but he did and he presumably watched you do it. Honestly it kind of reminds me of an affair situation - he has this secret and you don't - he has the knowledge/power over this thing and you don't get to be a party to it.

I would be so furious. I'm sorry. That's just so disgusting and disrespectful. It's one thing if swallowing that is a part of a consensual sex act and it's your choice. To put it in your food is just degrading.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, what a sick fuck.

What if he decides to ramp up the amusement factor and put some shit in your food? That could actually kill you.

Three DDays and now this?

Sorry, I'd be out the door and to the lawyer's office in a heartbeat. Too. Creepy.


[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:14 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17394 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that is beyond fucked up. I gagged in the car while reading it. I'm really sorry. It's definitely some sort of power/control thing. That's just not something people do to one another.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thought it was kind of funny? Matter of factly told you? He'sgot some shit going on that is way deeper than any of us can advise on. You shouldn't be embarrassed. You are a victim here. He got some kind of sick pleasure watching you eat this...good God I don't think I could feel comfortable in the same home as him. I would be scared of what it would take next time to satisfy his sick side. Somethings not right with him. Is he in any kind of counseling? Please don't let this go, no matter how nonchalant he acts which by the way pisses me the fuck off even more. It's like he's still getting a kick out of it. you don't deserve any part of this


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5045 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and explanations. I haven't mentioned this incident to him since he told me about it which was near the beginning of his confession to cheating. I would like to ask him about his feelings towards it now, I'm just afraid to because if he still views it as funny or no big deal, I would be really hurt again.

I can't believe how messed up his mind was. The hardest part is that I don't know for how long in our marriage he was like this. Not only are my memories tarnished by the affair, I am also fighting with was my marriage, my family and my life EVER real?


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 296 | Registered: Aug 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((sohurt))))) It's a lot to grapple with, honey. Are you in IC?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25382 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 54
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