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User Topic: Tmi - Don't want to offend, but need help with this
♀ Member
Member # 27232
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is assault.

This happened to a police officer at a fast food place a few years ago and the worker was charged with assault.

What he did to you is sick and I would truly be concerned with what else he may be capable of. Normal people don't do that.

He is a danger to you.

Dday: Jan. 8th, 2010
OW#1 6 month PA...she is remorseful and forgiven. OW#2 The "therapist"... played head games with me. OW#3... loved to give blow jobs in her office. OW#4 the couple from Hell

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Illinois
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is an element of sex addiction and escalating porn addiction that desensitizes people and may enable someone to do what he did. I think the lack of interest in intimate sex with you is also a red flag.

Clearly, there are power and control issues as well. Unless he has gotten intensive therapy, I wouldn't trust him.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3644 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In your situation, I wouldn't be able to get through anything like this unless I was absolutely positive that the guy had done a LOT of intensive therapy. The white-knuckle, stop cold turkey approach would NOT *work* for me.

It feels creepy and diabolical to me. I'm getting a really bad *vibe* about this guy......

Would I be correct to assume that the A-issues were never resolved the *SI-way*? I ask because it seems almost as if your WH *snowed* you at the time and perhaps love-bombed you until things got back to *normal*. (my observations only, no judgment involved).

A lot of the things that you have mentioned in this thread, when put together in my head, point to a hostility towards you (or women in general). And that *type* of attitude doesn't just go-away on its own (if ever) and it sure as heck cannot be *managed* by him without intensive professional help.

How can you be sure he's not just *playing* mr.niceguy for you in the same way that he does for everyone else?

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't worry Lovedyoumore. I doubt he would do anything like that to anyone but me. WH wants everyone to LOVE him and they do because they think he is such a nice guy and I am so lucky.

So, he does work in the food/ hospitality industry? Not?

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is vile and seriously fucking questionable in the mental stability department.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posting again on your thread...

I have worked as a waitress at different establishments for what would add up to years. Never have I even considered doing anything to anybody's food and I never observed it either. And believe me I got plenty mad many times while waiting tables, some people are nightmares to deal with.

I believe, and I know I read it somewhere but can't remember, that it's a standard part of abuse for the abuser to feel slighted in some way and then stew over it before escalating. Perhaps the slight is mostly in their minds, as abusive people also tend to be entitled fuckwads, or perhaps it is real. People hurt each other, it happens. Regardless, the decision to do something so sick is totally premeditated and calculating.

I'm pointing this out because it calls to mind a specific situation I was in. This man had pushed me and called me names. I ended it. He called me crying and explained some things I had done that had been hurtful to him. He insisted I had been rude to his friends and family when he took me to visit. He cried about how much he wanted me to like them and how the trip didn't go the way he wanted it to.

He had said nothing at the time, acted normal, and only told me his feelings about it after I broke up with him.

Still, I took what he said to heart. I was open to hearing about what I had done wrong mostly because if there was something I could fix or change, I could not only have the relationship back but also end the abuse. I could have back that perfect guy I had met and fallen for if I just knew what I was doing to make him angry. I could stop making him angry.

In retrospect, well, many things. First, if I did or said anything offensive he had numerous options, including dumping me, asking me to clarify what I had said or done, taking note of it and waiting to see if this was truly a pattern, etc. also, in this particular instance, I was very closed and quiet with his family and friends because I didn't know them while they all knew each other, and I was getting annoyed and overwhelmed having new people repeatedly thrust on me over the course of an entire weekend. After a four hour drive. Basically, I was really just exhausted. If he had brought this up to me and I had explained myself, he may have had to modify what he was doing, maybe change some plans so we could be alone, set aside a day out of the weekend where I wasn't going to be meeting anyone, allow extra time for me to sleep, there would have been numerous solutions, plus I would have known that he was even hurt in the first place. A real dialogue about whatever made him mad would have resulted in understanding and some change on both our parts, and that takes effort on both sides. Whereas simply deciding that I was a bitch and deserved whatever I had coming? Well that's just how an abusive person copes.

in the end I'm glad I stayed gone from him because it would have simply been a matter of time before I did or said something that hurt him once again. Or anyone, for that matter. Such is life.

Just be careful if you decide to ask your H why he was mad enough to do something like that. He will probably bring up something that makes you feel bad about yourself or that you already want to improve on. Shifting blame is always wrong but in cases of abuse it is repugnant.

Take care of yourself and hugs.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He would never want to eat anything I made ever again, and closing his eyes could be dangerous for him,

Many years ago( I was a teen, and found the magazine at a relatives house) I remember reading a porn magazine that had people write stories of their encounters and such, there was a story about a guy who had invited company over for dinner,he prepared a roast chicken, while the chicken was cooking it apparently turned him on because he took the stuffing out, had his way with the chicken, then restuffed it, finished cooking it then fed it to his friends, I have not been able to eat roast chicken since I was about 15,

I think that it is a form of covert abuse, how would you ever have know if he didn't tell you what he had done,he's sick, I would bet he has done other stuff that you don't know about,

How would your mother react if she were to find out what he did, and that she too had eaten it, my mom would want to have his sorry ass beaten

Posts: 386 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
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Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, I can see the 2 year drought as a control thing. His reply when I ask him now why he did that was that I wasn't giving him the kind of sex he wanted (porn sex) so why should I get sex? I didn't even know that he was watching porn, so how was I to know what he wanted? In his defense, he did say a couple things that I probably could have/should have done, but I did feel uncomfortable and didn't want to appear to be a him.

He should never expect you to do anything that would make you uncomfortable. You should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. He should not expect you to behave like a porn star.

IMO, the porn does have something to do with his indescribably sick behavior, both the above quote and the first quote in this thread, but I'm not a professional, so I don't know. JMO.

It's VERY disturbing that he would tell you about it now, and do so as if there was nothing wrong with it. The way he told you is disturbing, as if to say, oh, by the way...

I thank the men who have commented here because I'm sure it does help to get the opinion of men, too.

I'm sorry, but I would not feel safe with him. There's something terribly, inconceivably wrong there.

Me-50 BW

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M

Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I have so much respect for you for bringing this topic to light. There are details around my dday and the aftermath that I have been too ashamed to admit. I feel like a fool for enduring some of the sick shit that went on in my so called R.

I have thought of this thread all day and just want to thank you for having the courage to talk about it. While I agree that what he did was sick I also want to say I understand how you can minimize and dismiss it when you want so badly to R. With that said, and with the benefit of hindsight, I think you owe it to yourself to delve deeper here. You know it was a truly awful thing for him to do. I'm sure you're wondering every day what else there might have been that you didn't find out about.

Whatever you do, please don't eat anything that has been in his control. Please be suspicious when he hands you a drink he made. Ask him to drink it, too. It seems like maybe he's passive aggressive with sociopathic tendencies. His way of telling you feels wrong, too. The memory of the act wasn't enough for him so he had to heighten it by telling you. What's next? What will it take to spark him the next time? Be careful. Be alert.

Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6131 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that is so horrible. I'm so sorry you've been treated in this way. I also agree that this is extremely abusive.

Nature_Girl, I'm so sorry you've also gone through such a terrible ordeal. I'm happy that you got away from him.

To treat another human being with such disregard and cruelty...I'll never understand.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 766 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, I would like to thank everyone who responded to me. You have helped me so much.

I agree with Stillhere....thank you to the men who responded too. It shows me that there are still men out there who are respectful of women.

Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 299 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please tell me he does not work around food? The way he told you was very callous. I would have spent the day throwing up id my husband told me he did that. And to your Mother too?! Sadly, I fear you've only scratched the surface of what he's done and is capable of.

He needs to get into counseling and so do you. Hugs to you.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have worked as a waitress at different establishments for what would add up to years. Never have I even considered doing anything to anybody's food and I never observed it either. And believe me I got plenty mad many times while waiting tables, some people are nightmares to deal with.
This ^^^. I know it makes for funny movie fodder , but I've worked in restaurants for a decade and never actually seen anyone do anything to anyone's food. It's just a really fucked up thing to do in any situation, but especially here.

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've left men for lesser sins.

But a repulsive, disgusting, psycho, low life pig like this guy would get his head put right through a brick wall as I was walking out the door on my way to my lawyer's.

Yeah, I'm funny like that.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1800 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
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