So this is my second missed miscarriage. My first was in 2009, when I was 28. I'm 33 now, will be 34 in April.
Our original plan was to start TTC after our daughter turned one. D-Day 1 was in August 2010, when our baby was 9.5 months old. So at the time, my husband was a weepy mess and said that he would want nothing more than to be with me and have another baby with me, etc. etc.
We didn't deal with the aftermath of the ONS very well - he was a mess due to guilt, shame, etc. and I put my pain on the back burner, where of course it eventually boiled over and made a mess. We went through hell, and almost divorced in 2012. He pulled his head out at the last minute and R has gone very well since then.
I went off the pill in August 2013 and got pregnant on our fourth month trying. I had been very worried about secondary infertility but it turns out that I should have been more worried about miscarriage.
So when I went for my follow-up with my OB, he told me, "Age CAN be a factor in this type of miscarriage, but you're not THAT old." (Ummm, thanks?). Now, this is where my thinking gets irrational. I had the same type of miscarriage in 2009, when I was a spring chicken of 28. So the fact that I'm 33 now - not necessarily a game-changer. However, I can't help but think - IF he had not had the ONS back in 2010 - if we had stuck to our original TTC timeline - I would have been pregnant at 30, not 33. How much difference does three years make in terms of miscarriage risk? I don't know.
I'm feeling some resentment. I wanted kids two years apart, so they could be close friends who would have common interests. Instead I'm almost 34 and there is now, thanks to my miscarriage, no possible way that they will be less than five years apart. I was already somewhat resentful of how his fuck-ups have caused such a large age gap, and now I'm wondering if my age was a factor in this miscarriage, which in addition to making the age gap even larger (assuming I'll ever even have another baby) is incredibly emotional crappy.
So yeah. Probably a topic for counseling. I know I should probably talk to my H about it, too. I just hate bringing this shit up.
While the pain of having our lives derailed is brutal, we can also "what if" ourselves right into a box. You know?
Miscarriage/infertility is such a delicate thing when you think about it. I was so upset after the miscarriage. I blamed stress, my H, you name it. The cold hard reality is that if even if everything is perfect, age, timing, etc.; it's still a miracle to get pregnant and carry to term. I totally understand wanting kids closer in age. You have to look at the positives of the situation. Perhaps your meant to have them further apart. My mother and her brother are 11 years apart. My grandmother didn't plan it but said it was such a good thing in the end. My mother was helpful and my grandmother had one on one time with each she wouldn't have had otherwise. My mom and her brother are super close too. Embrace the good and put the other thoughts out of your head. The world is bigger than we are and this is just a small reminder of how little we are in control of.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to deal with I know.
1 DD 7 yrs old, one on the way then miscarried Jan 2014
In R and taking one step at a time.
I talked it out with the counselor and I think I talked myself into being ok. I know we do hate the "marriage is better because of the affair" stuff here, but my marriage IS better, because both of us made a lot of changes. Not because of the affair, even if that was the catalyst. But whatever. Maybe whatever needed to happen happened, and like you said NIC, really there's so much that has to go right for a pregnancy to work out.
I'm glad I talked about it to my IC and mentioned it here. I feel better about it now. Wow, that was quick.
[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]
I saw that you talked it through with IC and are ok with it. do you still plan to talk it through with MR. Green? infidelity seems to derail our lives for some time, and it messes with our plans for the future in terms of both tomorrow and next year, etc. I would still need to talk about it with WH, but maybe that is I. It seems like something that you would want out in the open, to make sure that resentment and hurt don't grow?
you are still young, and I know lots of moms who love having their little ones 4-5 years apart. I know it wasn't your plan though, and that is hard. take care of yourself. OAI
[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 3:22 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Thanks to a great IC I almost feel like we will be ok no matter what.
Glad your talk with IC was helpful!
I will be 42 in two weeks. The miscarriage was likely due to age, but there is that little voice that questions if it was stress of knowing something was wrong, or foreign flora that wasn't supposed to be there...either way it is gone and will be my last. I would want to wait until I had some trust built with him again - and by then it would be much too late.
Our family will look different than I had planned - that is hard to accept. Sigh.
Oh, and I recall being shocked when I had DS at 33 and the phrase "advanced maternal age" was tossed out. What?!
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
I had 2 ectopic pregnancies between my two girls who are nearly 6 years apart. It was all very traumatic, a dreadful time. I really wanted my babies to be close in age, for the same reasons you mention, but honestly the bigger age gap has been lovely too. I got to give my girls SO much individual attention and although they weren't particularly close as littlies, they are very close now and have a unique and lovely relationship. So don't feel despondent about the possible age gap, these things have a way of working out.
I guess what I am working on is letting go of that ideal that I had of babies two years apart. Might not have been so great anyway. Instead I'll embrace what I've got, which is a wonderful daughter, and a great husband. And look forward to the future, and try to not to worry about what my original "plan" was. Maybe whatever is in store is better than what I had planned.
cdnmommy I hope you end up with a healthy, completely uneventful pregnancy and a beautiful baby. Flourgirl, I hope you and your sisters regain that closeness.
((HUGS)) all around and thank all of you ladies so much for your replies!