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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Are there ever any happy endings?
Swandart
♀ New Member
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to know, just for hope I guess. Do people get through infidelity and actually come out the other side with a better, happier marraige? Has that happened to anyone? Or any I just kidding myself that this can happen

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can and does, there are many here who have.

Read my profile. Perhaps you can see that it does happen, but it is not easy, and it certainly does nothappen overnight.

In fact I think the top thread in this forum is full of Positive R stories. Try reading some of those, and their profiles, see what worked and what didn't


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://youtu.be/IGJzJcM7Kuw

This is a video on youtube of me and my husband telling our story.

We are happier and more complete today than we ever were in the previous 15 years.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2784 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can totally happen.

I get hung up on the "happier" concept.

Your marriage is going to be different. You will be different, your partner will be different. So, there isn't a way to compare apples to apples in the "happiness" concept.

But I am proud every day at what we have built, the partnership we have created. It is very different than the princess marriage concept. But I feel a deeper connection and commitment to him now than I ever have before. I adore him, and I have great respect for him because of the work he did on himself.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Though I wouldn't call it happier or better than our old marriage. It is different, it stands on its own. Comparing the two isn't really fair. Neither one of us zones out on life and loses sight of the relationship or each other anymore. We work hard to stay in the present and stay focused on each other. He maintains extremely tight boundaries which makes me feel very safe with him. He has different coping mechanisms now, screwing other women isn't his go to power/control trip anymore. I'm really proud of him. In his case I know it isn't easy and I travel with him for business quite frequently and opportunity is everywhere. I have changed I'm not quite as submissive anymore, at least not blindly so. There will always be that component running heavily through our relationship, but I have shown him that I have a very strong spine and I am not afraid to go it without him. He respects me. I respect him. Things are balanced, happy, and growing. It will be 5 years this April.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 540 | Registered: Apr 2009
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swandart - Do people get through infidelity and actually come out the other side with a better, happier marriage? Has that happened to anyone? Or any I just kidding myself that this can happen?

Can you come out with a better, happier marriage? The only people who can judge that are the two people within that marriage. I think that your sense of "happiness" is dependent on the balance of objective reality and subjective feelings of each partner within the marriage and so, better and happier depends on the bar that you measure me against.

Some people may be able to come to terms with adultery and find happiness and others don't. The how and why behind that happening is conditional upon the very people involved. Their particular mental and emotional strengths and weaknesses, financial or health impacts, the work they put into self-healing, the familial and social support structures and the list goes on.

Rebreather - Your marriage is going to be different. You will be different, your partner will be different. So, there isn't a way to compare apples to apples in the "happiness" concept.

I tend to think that my marriage will survive in spite of my affair. We not better because of the affair but we are different. Different in that we both had to find the strength within to learn to accept, adapt and change. Its not better, its different. Its more reality based than fantasy based. Its more about self-reliance than co-dependency. Not better or worse, just different.

And yes, every so often, both of us wish that this was one of life's lessons that our marriage could have done without but it did and the best that we can now say is that we survived, adapted and moved beyond.

HUFI

Moreroses - but we did have that naive and sweet existence of Camelot once. We don't live there now. But we did live there. And it was a very nice place. We don't live there anymore, but we did live there. And I don't feel bad at all about having lived there. Heck! It was nice there. I'm glad I lived there once! .....but I don't live in that neighbourhood anymore.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will be harder for sure, but that is because we got lazy and never worked on the M. "Happily ever after" What bull shit! I am convinces we will have more hard discussion in the future than we ever had in the past, however that is because we have higher expectations now.

Oh and a sage veteran here one said "your M can be better DESPITE the A". Very different from saying "your M is better BECAUSE of the A".


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFSSC - Didn't know you were a lovely Southern Lady! What a great video - you guys are awesome. Peace to you!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More so than my marriage is that I myself am a happy ending. I am 2 years out and we are making great progress now that fWH has shown me proper remorse and work put into the M. I believe we are both very happy that we ended up working it out. We have reconnected in ways that were never there before and it has been healing for the kids as well. Most importantly, is that I am happy and I have finally let go of my WH's A's as it bears no reflection on me. The hardest part for me was realizing the A's had NOTHING to do with ME.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another happily reconciled M here. For me it's more of a happy beginning than a happy ending. Before my H's A, I thought we had the "happily ever after ending". After the A, I would say we finally got to a new, slightly different, "happily ever after beginning. We don't just coast along and, for lack of a better description, assume that our M is complete and able to thrive without conscious effort and periodic examination. Prior to the A, we never examined or questioned the patterns in our communication and our M that had slowly developed along the way. Some were wonderful, but others were not helping to ensure a truly intimate and kind and loving relationship. Following all of the work we did in IC/MC, we are much more aware of the little things that need attention and nurturing. We are both healthier and in many ways "better" partners.

Like the other posters, my H's A definitely did not better or strengthen our M; we didn't thrive because of his A, we thrived in spite of it and because of the work we put into it--then and now. We now have a different M, but it has very much in common with the "old" M. I think we kept the best, and revamped the rest. Of course his A and all the damage it brought will forever be a part of our marital history, and that is sad and regrettable. However, all the great things in our M are also part of our marital history and make me happy and give us joy.

Like tushnurse said, many of us "make it," although the journey is often long and arduous, to say the least!


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
betrayedhusband
♂ Member
Member # 38443
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like others have said better marriage in spite of the A. We are coomunicating better. Wish we could have gotten here without going through the A.

Kind of like "hey I'm glad I learned to write and eat with my left hand. Too bad I had to lose my right arm to get there."

I am confident we will make it and the pain will eventually go away.


Me BS 48
Her fWW 47
Married 24 yrs
Together 30 yrs
DDay 16 Jan 2013
EA 9 months & PA 1 month
Children 2 young adults
Working through it
"Character is what you are when no one is watching"

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ms that get better do so because of the work the partners do, not because of the A. The Ms would probably be better still if the partners did the work without the A.

I sure hope there are happy endings. I believe my W & I headed for one.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10378 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we're well on our way to a successful R. The happy part is still eluding me, though... Hopefully I'll get there.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFSSC - Didn't know you were a lovely Southern Lady! What a great video - you guys are awesome. Peace to you!

Awww, Bionicgal, that's so sweet of you!

I am DEFINITELY southern.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2784 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Swandart my FWH had double digit EAs and PAs in an 11 year run. He's cheated when we were dating, engaged, and married and had a child.

We are now 6+ years into a successful Reconciliation and are continuously vigilant about our M, constantly challenging ourselves if we're being too careless or not paying enough attention to each other again, etc.

My FWH still has thoughts of straying. When he does, he vocalizes it to me and in so doing makes it sound so stupid. I've learned to look at my husband with respect again. We've also felt we've both matured so much and so did our love where we feel truly like one.

I couldn't believe it but hard work paid off and hard work never stops. We both just decided not to quit, we're too stubborn.

Hope that helps you.

[This message edited by Simple at 6:08 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depends on what you consider a happy ending. Let's use me as a good example. H had a with neighbor (best friends wife) WHO in fact still live 2 houses from us.

I am still here and to some degree it is working. From what I can see, my marriage even through the infidelity is just as good as any other marriage. So in that respect there was a happy ending because I chose to R and give him a second chance. BUT, are we as BS's ever truly happy with the end results knowing what we know now. Some on SI say yes they can be happy and that I admire. But in my own opinion I don't know how that is possible after an a.


Posts: 2464 | Registered: Sep 2005
Swandart
♀ New Member
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's good to hear all of your stories and different perspectives on things.

I know each couple is different and depends on the work both parties are willing to put in but it is good to hear that people do get over the a and are able to move on. It renews hope that maybe me and my h can make it,

Thank you


Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
hurtininHouston
♂ Member
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG I want the happy ending. I cannot seem to forgive my ww. I have gotten to the acceptance. Somewhat. the thought of them still eats me alive. I still after a while of fighting seem to throw it back in her face. It is so frustratring. How do I finally quite thinking of them in bed together? My ww if very guilt ridden. It has ruined her relationship with her closest sister. Because she knew and I laid into her for not doing more to help my wife out. Now she is not comfortable at our house. She is even pissed at me (her sister) for complaining to her. The nerve. I seem to go several days/ week with no mention, then I get too thoughtful of what they did and I seem to explode.
UGH!

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
Topic Posts: 18

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