Read my profile. Perhaps you can see that it does happen, but it is not easy, and it certainly does nothappen overnight.
In fact I think the top thread in this forum is full of Positive R stories. Try reading some of those, and their profiles, see what worked and what didn't
This is a video on youtube of me and my husband telling our story.
We are happier and more complete today than we ever were in the previous 15 years.
I get hung up on the "happier" concept.
Your marriage is going to be different. You will be different, your partner will be different. So, there isn't a way to compare apples to apples in the "happiness" concept.
But I am proud every day at what we have built, the partnership we have created. It is very different than the princess marriage concept. But I feel a deeper connection and commitment to him now than I ever have before. I adore him, and I have great respect for him because of the work he did on himself.
Swandart - Do people get through infidelity and actually come out the other side with a better, happier marriage? Has that happened to anyone? Or any I just kidding myself that this can happen?
Can you come out with a better, happier marriage? The only people who can judge that are the two people within that marriage. I think that your sense of "happiness" is dependent on the balance of objective reality and subjective feelings of each partner within the marriage and so, better and happier depends on the bar that you measure me against.
Some people may be able to come to terms with adultery and find happiness and others don't. The how and why behind that happening is conditional upon the very people involved. Their particular mental and emotional strengths and weaknesses, financial or health impacts, the work they put into self-healing, the familial and social support structures and the list goes on.
Rebreather - Your marriage is going to be different. You will be different, your partner will be different. So, there isn't a way to compare apples to apples in the "happiness" concept.
I tend to think that my marriage will survive in spite of my affair. We not better because of the affair but we are different. Different in that we both had to find the strength within to learn to accept, adapt and change. Its not better, its different. Its more reality based than fantasy based. Its more about self-reliance than co-dependency. Not better or worse, just different.
And yes, every so often, both of us wish that this was one of life's lessons that our marriage could have done without but it did and the best that we can now say is that we survived, adapted and moved beyond.
Moreroses - but we did have that naive and sweet existence of Camelot once. We don't live there now. But we did live there. And it was a very nice place. We don't live there anymore, but we did live there. And I don't feel bad at all about having lived there. Heck! It was nice there. I'm glad I lived there once! .....but I don't live in that neighbourhood anymore.
Oh and a sage veteran here one said "your M can be better DESPITE the A". Very different from saying "your M is better BECAUSE of the A".
I edit, therefore I am.
Like the other posters, my H's A definitely did not better or strengthen our M; we didn't thrive because of his A, we thrived in spite of it and because of the work we put into it--then and now. We now have a different M, but it has very much in common with the "old" M. I think we kept the best, and revamped the rest. Of course his A and all the damage it brought will forever be a part of our marital history, and that is sad and regrettable. However, all the great things in our M are also part of our marital history and make me happy and give us joy.
Like tushnurse said, many of us "make it," although the journey is often long and arduous, to say the least!
Kind of like "hey I'm glad I learned to write and eat with my left hand. Too bad I had to lose my right arm to get there."
I am confident we will make it and the pain will eventually go away.
I sure hope there are happy endings. I believe my W & I headed for one.
HFSSC - Didn't know you were a lovely Southern Lady! What a great video - you guys are awesome. Peace to you!
Awww, Bionicgal, that's so sweet of you!
I am DEFINITELY southern.
We are now 6+ years into a successful Reconciliation and are continuously vigilant about our M, constantly challenging ourselves if we're being too careless or not paying enough attention to each other again, etc.
My FWH still has thoughts of straying. When he does, he vocalizes it to me and in so doing makes it sound so stupid. I've learned to look at my husband with respect again. We've also felt we've both matured so much and so did our love where we feel truly like one.
I couldn't believe it but hard work paid off and hard work never stops. We both just decided not to quit, we're too stubborn.
Hope that helps you.
[This message edited by Simple at 6:08 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
I am still here and to some degree it is working. From what I can see, my marriage even through the infidelity is just as good as any other marriage. So in that respect there was a happy ending because I chose to R and give him a second chance. BUT, are we as BS's ever truly happy with the end results knowing what we know now. Some on SI say yes they can be happy and that I admire. But in my own opinion I don't know how that is possible after an a.
I know each couple is different and depends on the work both parties are willing to put in but it is good to hear that people do get over the a and are able to move on. It renews hope that maybe me and my h can make it,