I HATE YOU god I just hate you.
I don't know why it suddenly came over me. It wouldn't accomplish anything so I didn't do it. It took about 30 minutes and I calmed down.
I guess I'm posting this for solidarity; hopefully I'm not the only one that has this happen.
I agree that not much comes of screaming, but it sure feels good while it's happening. It all the bottled up frustration and rage and humiliation but I find that a lot of it is fueled by years of me being mad at the world, not just at my H, but now I have a clear target for all that rage. I want him to know my pain, feel punished and ashamed and maybe somehow, that evens the score...but sadly it doesn't, and if you do scream like that, as I do, you'll find you feel terribly empty and depleted and even apologetic afterwards.
Try your best to just let your W know how you're feeling without escalating it to a loud volume. Or go to the computer and write it out and decide if you want to send it to her or not. I tend to send my venomous messages to our therapist, just to get it out my system.
Good luck--you are certainly not alone!
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
That was my first primal scream urge.
Then I have screamed at my wife to where our windows rattled.
So I get what you are saying and feeling. Unfortunately, I did NOT get in touch with this anger and rage in as timely a fashion as i believe I should have.
Truthfully, that screaming in her eardrum? Should have done that my first DD. I would have if I came home and found her using meth around our daughters.....and she was addict-like in her demeanor that first DD. Sadly, I did not....and she took my lack-of-screaming as the okay to take her EA to PA level.
No, I am not saying I take responsibility for her choice to commit adultery...that is her shit to own.
What I am saying is that I gave up an opportunity to influence her state-of-being, a chance to aggressively protect my family.....and did not take full advantage of that opportunity.
Taken me a bit to forgive myself for this.....
Bloozle....your join date is very recent. If you have the opportunity to use righteous anger when I SHOULD have (immediately or right close to DD) I say strongly consider it!
Months later I used righteous anger. It had marginal effect on my wife, but had a profound affect on her fAP...dumped her instantly.
There is a time for righteous anger....and it is to be used when wrongs are being committed. This is not judgement, it is fighting for what is right.
Adultery is WRONG. Adultery is ABUSE. You have a right, an obligation to protect yourself from it. A time to call sin, sin. If that call means screaming...then do it.
Oh....please don't brush off your feelings. Dont ignore them. Don't bury them. You need to find ways to feel them, express them, process them.
Took me two months of IC to even get in touch with my anger......yeah, pretty fucked up response to adultery....me consoling her, cutting her slack, finding ways to make it easier on her. All dreadfully destructive, horrible choices by me.
Please don't do what I did early on.
You have a responsibility to yourself and your kids to do the right thing here. Righteous anger is the right thing.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:57 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]
4-8 months out.....I witnessed RAGE like I have never before. Nearest thing I can liken it to is a silver back gorilla when he realizes his family is under attack.....stopping at nothing, totally engrossed by the RAGE felt. It was shocking, scary really. But it appears this is a normal phase for many BS.
Never knew I had such a dark side within me.
I have fought other men before, been beat up good and beaten others up good. NEVER have I felt the RAGE I felt generated from my wifes adultery.
Pain of betrayal was....well, we all know but it is difficult to explain.
Shock over the damage and hurt my wifes actions are to our girls fueled the inferno inside me.
Scare of STD's due to unprotected, untalked about sexual histories, added to the anxiety which fed into the RAGe.
So much pain and hurt from multiple sources...all feeding into the bonfire of RAGE.
Find an therapist now. Get with a real life friend. Post often.
We got your back.
I think my WH would fall over if I ever actually screamed at him. I've yelled, but never really screamed at the top of my lungs like I would like to.
Actually am still sore from a good sesson a few days ago. Definitely helps. Plus if I run into OM (wanted to use another name but we are in the R forum) in a dark alley, I feel like I will be ready!
Both feet pointed forward; positive
So last night in the car with her, taking the kids for ice cream, for no reason I just started feeling extreme rage.
Yes, I so remember feeling that way.
This will sound strange, but what worked for me was to react the opposite of what I was feeling. Instead of yelling, I would have told her how much I loved her and how happy I am we can have this outing together as a family.
Assuming you have a truly remorseful wife, this kind of response will play a number in a WW's head as they realize what they could have lost.
So sorry for what you are going through.
This was a HUGE step for me in my recovery process, because I have never ever said anything like this to her, but it was weighing on my mind and heart. I know she didn't like what I had to say, and I'm sure she got mentally upset about it(not at me, but at herself), but it needed to be said.
[This message edited by spond at 7:41 AM, February 21st (Friday)]
I tell myself that it is ok. I need to feel this rage. I need to know that I can feel such intense emotion. Everything else feels very flat and that is one emotional I truly feel.
Six months out was horrible. I flung so many words at him. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel my pain. Now I try to get it out in other ways. I know he will never really be able to feel my pain. My pain is my issue to work through. Therapy is helping me with this. Lots and lots of therapy.