I always thought I was handling things correctly based on my stbx's *issues*, also.....until the day that I realized that HE was the one who was *handling* me!
Ditto. Trying to figure out how to "fix" things just kept me under his spell and allowed him to manipulate me longer. I didn't realize how much he was manipulating me until I stepped back from the relationship.
I don't think you realize how much you are letting him get away with. And I think if you stepped back, you would call yourself crazy for how much you are babying him and allowing him to disrespect you. I'm guessing you're scared too push too hard for fear of losing him, but honey, you don't want a man that can treat you like this.
I'm the survivor of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse as well, but I didn't use and abuse the man I married then use my trauma as an excuse. F that noise.
I know you came for advice about the OW, but you need to realize that it doesn't matter what she is doing. You shouldn't know about it. Your H shouldn't know about it. You block her every way possible and tell her to get lost. Then you focus on you and your marriage again and figure out if you are really accepting of this crap. I'm guessing he's not as fragile as you think he is. He needs to man up or ship out.