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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH trusts his AP
AshLynx
♀ New Member
Member # 41718
Question  Posted: 5:47 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I had a talk regarding him getting tested for STDs. He went and everything is fine. However I was concerned because of his attitude regarding all of this. I asked him why he would take that risk and he told me that since his AP had lupus she has to get tested fairly often for STD and that he knew she was clean. I objected that first she could lie about the results, and second she cheats on her husband so you can't really trust someone like that He just kept repeating he knew she was clean and "only" had him and her husband. To be honest I just wanted to facepalm when he was saying that he trusted her. In my opinion, you cannot trust somebody like her, just as I don't trust him anymore (at least until he proves himself to me again).
It kinda bother me that he trusts her to be responsible and "faithful". Like he still holds some respect for her. I know a WH cannot let go of his feelings for his AP just like that but all the evidence point to her not being trustworthy and I wish he would see it.
Do you think it's all due to the Wayward fog, or that I need to accept they have some kind of history and that she might be trustworthy in some aspects of her life? Have you ever had that problem where your WS still thought highly of the AP?

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Texas
betrayedhusband
♂ Member
Member # 38443
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWW said some of the same things when I was pushing her for STD checks. Finally had to explain to her that we would not have sex without both of us being tested. I got my tests within a week of Dday because I was not going to risk my life.

For her it was part of the fog. "I know he has never cheated on his wife before" "He told me he has never done this" (insert Seth Meyers on Weekend Update...REALLY? REALLY! REALLY?)

I think she did it because of my requirement then, but a year later I assume (since we haven't had need to discuss that aspect recently) that she now realizes she couldn't trust him any more than I could trust her. I believe it is part of the whole "I'll never get caught...no-one will get hurt...I won't get an STD and infect my husband..."

Best of luck!


Me BS 48
Her fWW 47
Married 24 yrs
Together 30 yrs
DDay 16 Jan 2013
EA 9 months & PA 1 month
Children 2 young adults
Working through it
"Character is what you are when no one is watching"

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH thought he knew OW too. It never even occurred to him that she might have an std he could pass on. Thankfully we were both fine.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to the "we're honest cheaters" club. My FWH also had the mindset that there was no risk of STD's. I saw where at one point, the MOW wrote about the condom slipping off and, since they both just knew their spouses were faithful, they didn't need protection.

The only one in that equation I can vouch for is myself. Meanwhile, my FWH had a second LTA that coincided with the one he had with the MOW.

My FWH did tell me that he had himself tested about a year before D-Day. I still ask why since he was ever so sure the AP's were lily clean and he absolutely hates needles. He still says it's because there was a mobile clinic near his job so he gave it a go.

Fortunately, I have a compassionate Doctor and my test results were negative.

I've never viewed this as him trusting the AP's so much as the arrogant mindset he had. How dare I think he'd be foolish enough to get a STD?!! He has since realized he put me at risk and is very apologetic.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1052 | Registered: Mar 2012
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the lies he has to tell himself. The AP and WS mirror each other. If he questions that AP was lying or a risk or untrustworthy it will shatter the illusion he built up in his mind about himself. He has to respect her to still have respect for himself. If he challenges these things about her, he'd have to do that about himself too. He can't face the thought of that.

I believe it's more about the feelings the WS has for themselves, not their AP, that creates and maintains 'the fog'. Which is basically just another word for denial. When he's ready to accept truths about himself, 'the fog' will lift. For some people it never does.

Keep challenging him on it. He's kinda clueless about STD's and the risk, like for example males can't be tested for HPV.

Have you been tested AshLynx?


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just kept repeating he knew she was clean and "only" had him and her husband.

Right, so your WH ' trusted" her.. did he trust that her H had "only" been with her. And vice versa?

I am continually stunned by how cheaters selective choose to believe only what the wish to..no matter how obscenely absurd.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 682 | Registered: Jan 2008
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"we're honest cheaters"

This is SOOOO how my Wh and the OW thought of themselves.

My WH claims that she told him she has only EVER been with 5 guys her whole life. They never even bothered to wear protection. "It just happened each time" according to WH.

To this DAY, he still believes that the OW never told anyone at work their secret. He still believes she can keep secrets. Did I mention that everyone at OUR work place knows in his department.

YAAA.....she keeps her mouth shut as well she kept her legs shut.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man I remember this.

In the middle of my fWW's EA, when she lied and said she stopped and I was monitoring every word she typed, she kept commiserating with a friend who knew about the situation. She would say how she could trust him because they knew each other so well, they were so compatable.

I read the texts they exchanged. It was classic manipulation on the POSOM's part. She just couldn't see it she was so enamered with him. When he had enough and stopped replying, she was so hurt. She thought she could trust him.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:18 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
AshLynx
♀ New Member
Member # 41718
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow it looks like it's pretty common for WS to believe themselves faithful and immune to getting a STD. They sound confident about everything, how they love each other (seen some texts from that time), how they trust each other, how it's best for everyone, how nobody understand them, etc. I wonder if it's like you say DixieD and they have to tell themselves they're confident and sure of their choice to not feel bad about themselves.

I did get tested because I was pregnant and my OB/GYN does STD testing before the birth to make sure we don't pass anything onto the baby. The only thing I did not get tested for was HPV, which I will request at my next visit. I'm not sure how I could forgive him if he gave me cancer though... He was my only one so it would have to be because of him

I asked him these same questions. How can he be sure of her? How can he be sure her husband didn't get a revenge affair? How could he put me at risk like that? He just keeps saying he's sure she doesn't have anything and that she's only be with 2 men in her life: him and her husband There was no changing his mind. That's mainly what annoys me. Everybody can see a cheater is not to be trusted. I don't want him to hate her as he was 50% responsible for all this, but I really wish he'd stop thinking of her as trustworthy. She knew he is married and she is married herself. She did it once and it's a slippery slope, once you lower your standards and morals you are at risk of doing it again. He cannot know for sure he was the "only one" she had on the side.

Hopefully he'll get fully out of the fog soon.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Texas
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "Honest Cheaters" Chapter needs to be added to the Golden Manual


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 10

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