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Newest Member: confusedwife32 (44902)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Strap me in, tie me down to the bus seat
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Cool  Posted: 6:44 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a friend take some professional pictures and posted them to 2 OLD sites. I'm getting lots of communication, including the creepy old guys and the younger cougar hunters. But I've also been on 3 first dates, with different handsome guys with boundries. But the one last night! Makes me want to jump out the bus window and not wait for a bus stop! That is against my moral code. So I've asked him to enforce boundries, knowing that I'm going to test them.

So other than the have fun comments, I feel like perhaps some 2x4 might be in order. I worry that I'm going to fast, that I'm over looking flags (only 2 I caught was that he cheated but told me what he would have done different and that the X bad mouth him to kids)

And I really don't like the OLD multidating to pick the best one strategy. Can i find a guy that makes more money? Maybe. But this guy has so many shared interests and goals, I don't want him to just be Mr. Right now, aka my first post D fling.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2x4 on the way.

HE CHEATED!!!!!!

'Nuff said.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The ex bad mouths him to the kids? Hmm, that sounds like wayward lying to me. Priming you to see how horrible she was so that she deserved him cheating on her. Ugh.

So um yeah, too fast. You are compromising all you've learned here to hang out with this dude.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3075 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to date a fWS. He too sounded like he had done "the work" and was remorseful and trying to get his life straightened out…but after the 3rd date, I just knew I couldn't stomach it. I liked him, but…nope. Couldn't do it.

I think if I ran into another fWS, I would go so slow it would be crazy. He would have to really prove to me that he has done the hard work. He can SAY anything he wants to you, how easy it is to SAY you would do the right thing "next time"…but how has he proven he has made better decisions?

I think it sounds like he is handing you a bunch of excuses. You need to reel in your libido and start THINKING. There will be other guys.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait - this was your first date with him? And you asked HIM to enforce YOUR boundaries?

I hope I am misreading that.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25264 | Registered: Aug 2011
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love you guys! Thanks for helping me to get some clarity.

I've text him that I don't think I can get past his wandering. He also made a pawn (victim ) statement and i called him on that bs and told him he always has a choice. His life. His decisions. His consequences.

And yes, I did tell him he had to enforce my boundries last night. I also text him today that that request was a catch 22. If he failed, even because I was tempting him deliberately, that we would be done.

I need more practice at this dating thing. Thanks guys!


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious -- what cutoff is "old?" And what makes an old guy creepy?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 825 | Registered: Nov 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious -- what cutoff is "old?" And what makes an old guy creepy?

OLD stands for online Dating - not that they are physically old.

HE CHEATED!!!!!!

So, i get this 100% i do.

However, not all cheaters cheat again. And not all non-cheaters stay that way.

I want to give the guy props for being up front with you. Depending on how long ago it was and stuff that may have been hard for you.

Don't feel bad though if you can not get passed it. Just because a WS can change, doesn't mean that a BS can just magically trust them again. I hope that he doesn't give you flack for breaking it off though.

Wait - this was your first date with him? And you asked HIM to enforce YOUR boundaries?

So if this is true, then I think maybe you need to rethink your OWN ability to boundery. You shouldn't have to ask someone else to enforce this for you. If it is you moral code, then you need to stick to it.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

including the creepy old guys and the younger cougar hunters
I think this is the old reference that Probable was referring to, Undefinabl3.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25264 | Registered: Aug 2011
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is indeed the reference, NIK!


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 825 | Registered: Nov 2012
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My definition: old enough to be my Dad or my son. Anything between is fair game.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call me crazy but here is another perspective from those I have been reading. Maybe thinking about who will be the flower girls on a first date is a wee bit premature. I mean it is a first date. Try to enjoy some time with another person without over analyzing whether or not they are going to crush your heart again. If you are afraid you might fall heel over head for someone in a few hours, it may be too early to date. For me, a first date is a time to qualify whether they have all their teeth and do not use the word rehab while trying to complete a sentence. So in summary, try to enjoy your first date and if they do not meet your red flags or dental hygiene it should be in my opinion no worse than watching an episode of the Kardashians, but commercial free.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 559 | Registered: Jun 2011
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, he cheated. What has he done besides give you lip service to "what he would do different". Has he seen an IC? Read self help books.
Baby girl, I do not care how FINE he is or how he makes your libido get to jumpin, he will break your heart if he hasn't fixed himself for real with actions.

Trust my, my STBXH is so damn fine, he could make a Saint sin. He has even turned some hard core lesbians to consider being bisexual for a night. No lie. Gorgeous on the outside, dirty as hell and truly broken on the inside.

If you gotta get your fix, use protection, do your "thang" and move on cuz he does NOT sound like relationship material.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I've asked him to enforce boundries, knowing that I'm going to test them.

This is beyond inappropriate and, forgive me for being blunt, emotionally immature. Your boundaries and choices are no one's responsibility but your own. You complain about victim mentality and him not taking responsibility for his choices, but that's exactly how I see this playing out when he lives up to his own agenda instead of yours. It's not his job to take care of or protect you. That's your job.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13733 | Registered: Jul 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I think by asking him to enforce your boundaries regarding sex, you majorly led him on and basically offered yourself up for sex. It sounds like flirting to me. You blatantly told him you were already thinking about sex and craving it, and you set it up like a role-playing game where you pretend you don't want it, or he pretends you guys shouldn't do it, but then you guys just have to have it. It's setting up a "forbidden" type sex, which I think many people find as a more passionate type of sex (perhaps the reason there are so many betrayed people here since the affairs were "forbidden" sex).

I would just suggest you ask yourself your true motives right now. It kind of sounds like you are just in the mood for some casual sex, to get some affection and attention and an ego boost, but it also sounds like you want to fast forward to a serious relationship, but it takes a long time to build a serious relationship, and it needs to come from a place where you really like this guy, enjoy his company, trust him, etc., which I think is pretty impossible after just one date (especially if he has already admitted to being a wayward).

I might suggest you just take some more "me time" and focus on yourself and your beliefs and making yourself happy and content without needing a man. Otherwise, you put way too much pressure on this guy to be everything you need and "Mr. Perfect" when you guys barely know each other. I'm just worried you will get burned if you get your hopes up too high and end up regretting having sex with him if things don't work out relationship-wise..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 1:45 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he cheated but

if there is ANY mention of another person after that "but" did doesn't get it.

cheating is because of HIM. and he still needs to own his $hit. If he mentions the X, the weather girl, his physic, his co-worker, who ever! he is blame-shifting!

Dodge this bullet!


Posts: 485 | Registered: Jun 2012
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Points all well spoken and clearly under stood.

Need to further evaluate my own boundries - check
Need to quit playing games - check
Need to get a grip on my own ego - check

looks like my to-do checklist is getting longer

Thanks again SI folks!


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
Topic Posts: 17

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