Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Shockedmom (44708)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Letter to her family
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think this would be appropriate to send until the D is final. Nonetheless, my head has been swimming with words I want to tell her family. I want them to know they meant a lot to me. They were my family too, and I miss them very much. I do not want to badmouth my STBXW to them, but I do want them to know where I stand, and I need them to know that whatever she may say about me, i was 100% faithful, 100% in her corner, and 100% willing to work through anything, and it is her decision alone that we are here.

anyway, I have some time before this would be finalized, but here's what I have so far. I'm obviously leaving real names out for now. I'm curious what your thought would be were you one of the recipients of this letter:

Dear all,

My apologies for any folks not included here as I don’t have everyone’s email addresses handy, but you may pass this along as you see fit.

It is with a heavy heart that I write this to you all. As you may or may not know, __ and I are now officially divorced, though we separated some time ago. With that separation, I lose not only her, but so many of you that were my family for ~12 years. We saw each other through so much in that time, from the highest highs to the lowest lows, and everything in between. I am so thankful to each of you for accepting me into your lives, your homes, and your thoughts and prayers.

My intent here is NOT to badmouth or slander ___. I loved her very, very deeply, and part of me always will. Regardless of the circumstances that led us here, I just want you all to know that I was 100% faithful, 100% in her corner, and 100% willing to work through anything, and it is her decision alone that we are here. That said, it is a decision I must honor and accept, and I have been taking the steps to move on towards a new life for some time now. Like I said though, the sad reality is I feel not only that I lost her, but all of you as well.

I do still worry about her. I saw the woman I loved slipping away long before she left our home. The cold reality is there’s nothing I can or should do for her at this point. I am not asking for contact. I am not asking or you to share this with her; in fact, I would ask you not to. I am not asking for updates of any kind – we are both completely separated from each other’s lives as she wanted, and for me to keep any tabs on her would simply do no one any good. If I may ask anything of you all though, it is this – please take care of her. Please check in on her. Please encourage her to do whatever she has to do to be truly, truly happy again. No quick fixes or instant gratifications. Help her to be her again, with or without me. One cannot have the bond we did for so long and not know each other on the deepest of levels, nor can you just turn off your ability to care.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this. Again, I don’t expect any replies or anything of the sort. I just needed you all to know that I did value our time together and I will miss you all very much. Again, I do not expect it, but if any of you ever do want to reach out and just say “hi,” that would be absolutely fine with me. Please take care of yourselves and each other, and thank you again for a wonderful 12 years.


[This message edited by SoulHurts at 10:04 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 967 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand why you want to send it, but it screams co-dependent to me and it does put her down. It makes YOU look bad.

If you really have to send something, don't defend yourself - those who love you won't believe her lies,those that do believe her won't be convinced by your words. Just tell them that you love them and still consider them family.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 881 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Focus on the parts in your draft the deals with your relationships with them. Maybe even write separate notes to each of the ones you want to communicate with. Take out the stuff concerning WW beyond the "her choice" and "faithful," take out the voluminous language about how much you care for her and want the best for her. This is about your relationships with them, not her.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 372 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is exactly why I wanted to give it a test run here. Thanks guys. I'll post an updated version a little later.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 967 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. If I read this as a family member I would feel at least awkward about it. At worst, I would feel used like you actually want this to get back to her... or you're hoping her family will use this to tell her she's a bad person somehow.

Basically anything after "your thoughts and prayers" makes you look bad IMHO.

I sent a letter to one brother and his mother. In it I told them I loved them and admired them all of these years (and why) and that I wish I could have stayed their sister/daughter and I wished them the best.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know why you're sending this. While I disliked most of The Princess' family, they were my family for 17 years, and there were a couple of them I really liked. I especially miss my little niece and nephew, who I loved as much as if they had come from my own family.

But I cut the ties totally with these people.

Here's what I think will happen if they read that note: They'll be insulted. She is their family, they have every intention of taking care of her, and don't need to be told to. They may have loved you over the years, but they've loved her longer - even if it is painfully obvious that she was the bad guy in the demise of your marriage.

Right now, you're hurting, and you want to have this final say, but years down the road you'll see it for what it was, and it will hurt your dignity.

Just don't do it, friend.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1829 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MAYBE the first paragraph is okay to send. The rest is offensive and will NOT serve the purpose you intend.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9517 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still feel like I needed to write out everything that I did for me if nothing else, but I absolutely agree sending that first version would be wrong. How about this?:

Dear all,

My apologies for any folks not included here as I don’t have everyone’s email addresses handy, but you may pass this along as you see fit.

It is with a heavy heart that I write this to you all. As you may or may not know, __ and I are now officially divorced, though we separated some time ago. With that separation, I lose not only her, but so many of you that were my family for ~12 years. We saw each other through so much in that time, from the highest highs to the lowest lows, and everything in between. I am so thankful to each of you for accepting me into your lives, your homes, and your thoughts and prayers, and I wish that I never had to write this note.

I don’t expect any replies or anything of the sort. I just needed you all to know that I did value our time together and I will miss you all very much. Again, I do not expect it, but if any of you ever do want to reach out and just say “hi,” that would be absolutely fine with me. Please take care of (XW), yourselves and each other, and thank you again for a wonderful 12 years.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 967 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9517 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, you're hurting, and you want to have this final say, but years down the road you'll see it for what it was, and it will hurt your dignity.

Just don't do it, friend.

There is still a chance I don't send anything. I don't know how I am going to feel by the time the D is finalized. This may end up more an exercise just for me. I do appreciate the feedback in that if I send anything at all, it really is more about thanking them than trying to sway them to one side or the other. My original definitely would've failed there.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 11:15 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 967 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While that is better, I wonder why you are sending this. You want to tell them you love them? You want them to stay in touch?

They know you love them from your actions throughout your marriage. If they decide to stay in touch (which, I'm sorry, they probably won't) they know where to find you.

In the long run, I think your pride will suffer less if you don't send this.

However, I seem to have the minority opinion here, so please feel free to ignore me, and I won't push this opinion any further. As I said before, I totally understand why you want to do this.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1829 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops! You did your reply while I was in the process of writing mine. I don't mean to harp on the subject. I understand just writing the letter for yourself. My shrink has had me do similar exercises.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1829 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soulhurts,

The latest draft is so much better: you cut to the heartfelt and necessary elements.

However, I do recommend you sit on it a few days more. Many times I have considered writing essentially the same sentiments to my STBX's family, but ultimately decided not to. I believe they either know how I feel about them, or they are believing what they want to believe (good or bad), or they believe what STBX has told them about me (how horrible I am and how everything is my fault).

In my case I decided that were was no point in communicating with them. They know how to get in touch with me.

I wish you the best, Soulhurts, whatever you decide is best for your emotional well-being.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@pass - I appreciate your harping and your viewpoint on this, really. No "oops" necessary

@Abbondad - I'm still early on in the D process, so I would not be sending this any time soon at all. I agree with you and pass that this may end up just an exercise for me. I'll base it on how I feel by then (and probably run it past you guys again too)


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 967 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a much better version. But if you could try to keep it positive and not talk about not wanting to write it. They'll know that, it doesn't need to be said. Then it will all be about them, rather than about you and her. Leave her and your situation out of it, even just with implied language.

If the idea is to tell them how much you love them and want them to be able to still contact you, if they wish to, then tell them that, nothing more. If they want to commiserate with you, let them initiate that, don't go fishing...even though I know you just want to know if they really do care about you. You'll know through their actions. Don't try and force it or you may drive them away.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 881 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree this is better... but I still say sit on it a couple of days.

I think short and sweet is going to be best. You loved them. You're going to miss them. You wish them the best. That's basically all we can say in any of this. Some version of those thoughts and you'll be on the right track.

((hugs))

p.s. I'm not sure you want to invite communication from any of them in the future. That's inviting trouble, I think.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 1:20 PM, February 21st (Friday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s. I'm not sure you want to invite communication from any of them in the future. That's inviting trouble, I think.

I'm going back-and-forth on that too (along with whether or not I'll send anything). Some of her family I've known longer than my STBXW. Her oldest sister dated my former best friend for quite a while (won't get into why I say "former' right now - that's a long story in and of itself). I was basically living with him during this time too, so I saw a lot of the sister, her other 2 sisters when they'd drop by, and her mom. So, yeah, this is still really tough, but I also don't know if I can have any relationship with them without it tearing open the wound again.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 967 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll also add that at one point I worked for her Dad, and we became very close over time, That said, I haven't heard a peep out of any of them since D-Day, so who knows what they've been told, or what they think of me now. Not sure I want to know.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 967 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote not to send a letter, write it out or journal it but do not send to her family. They are HER family.

I get it. The injustice felt at not being able to tell your side of the story burns. Its an extra pile of poo on top of the shit sandwich we have already been served. The lies that the unremorseful WSs spin are just galling. Sending that letter will, most likely, not give you the result you are looking for.

In my situation I loved x's family and thought I was closer to them than my own. Blood is thicker than water however and he is, and always will be, their son. It hurts but you have to walk away. You know the truth about her behaviour.

My XILs are in periodic contact. XFIL called for my b/day and XMIL sent me an email at Christmas time. I replied to the email and added a thank you to her for allowing me to be part of her family and that memories of times spent with them are amongst my fondest. No reference was made of their POS son. They even flew to my state to visit me in January.

I expect the contact to fade out and die a natural death, especially as xPOS parades his conga line of GFs into the family. I understand that it will make it awkward for them to continue contact as it may seem disrespectful to his latest piece. I don't initiate contact but will respond to it. They were after all, at one stage, very important in my life.

If they care for you they will make contact. If not, then they are showing you how they really feel IMHO. My advice if they do contact - no discussion about her at all.

Strength SoulHurts, its another crushing loss to be mourned.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad I have you all to stop me from doing things that I think I want to do, but would be better advised to refrain from. I think you've brought me full circle again. I doubt I will send anything. I just really don't think it'll do any good, but I'm glad I wrote it out nonetheless.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 967 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.