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Newest Member: SadnAlone (44234)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to not attract a broken person again.
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious, what you all went through in order to find a non-broken person after your healing. What did that healing consist of??


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 year+ false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 and for good Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.

Posts: 909 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC said 'bond over the good stuff, not the bad', meaning when you meet new people dont talk about the bad stuff. and if they do, maybe they're broken.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fix whatever is broken in you. Then you'll be able to make better choices.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19792 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah hum...this shouldn't be your focus right now.

Good things will come to you. You have MILES of healing in front of you.

Baby steps.

Baby steps.



AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working on you means doing a deep dive into understanding who you are and what are your core beliefs/values. It is also becoming stable as a single and being content with your solo life. There is no shortcut here.

I recommend IC, hanging with friends for social time vs. dating and reconnecting with yourself through a hobby or new pursuit.

Once you are happy alone, reached a place of indifference with your ex and have the solo life down with all it's twists and turns, perhaps then it would be time to explore dating.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29540 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fix whatever is broken in you. Then you'll be able to make better choices.

+1. I speak from personal experience.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15360 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once you are happy alone, reached a place of indifference with your ex and have the solo life down with all its twists and turns, perhaps then it would be time to explore dating.

Cat is right on here. Unfortunately, the first impulse is almost always to get out there and try to find another partner right away, but that usually ends in disaster.

There are quite a few people here who've had a second WS because they jumped in too quickly -- and you don't want to find yourself in a situation that's as bad as or worse than the one that brought you here. They say the first post-D breakup is often as hard as (or harder than) the A/D itself. You need to be in a good place to handle that, and you don't want to risk hurting an innocent person (which then makes you feel even worse.)

I have rarely seen anyone who was really ready to date until at least a year had elapsed from the date of final divorce -- sometimes (maybe even usually) it takes longer. Of course, we all (including myself) think that we're healed earlier, and very few people wait that long. And there can be exceptions, but they are very rare -- and many more people think they are exceptions than actually are!

I'm hitting 2 years past final D this spring, and it's only been in the past 6 months or so that I'd say I'm healed. And my healing was quicker than most due to the fact that I could go true NC with my XWH (no kids), am very secure financially, and have lucky resilient genes.

Please don't be in a rush to find someone new. Become your own best friend. You won't regret the time spent on yourself. The personal growth, new experiences, and accomplishments I've had in the past two years have been AMAZING, and there's no way I could have become the person I am today without spending my focus on my healing and growth.

There are a ton of broken people out there because most people don't listen to the advice you've been given.

Tons of hugs and good luck!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
risingfromashes
♀ Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to heal. Sounds simplistic but the best way to not attract a broken person is to give time, love and acceptance to the broken part inside yourself.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1585 | Registered: Mar 2004
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if you look at our ex spouses I don't think we had a clue how broken they were.

You never know but time is key. I also think being okay with you so your boundaries are strong.

Too soon and there is a likely chance if might be a potential broken relationship.

What you fear you bring to you not sure if that is true but change your journey to be about how YOU are gong to not settle for a broken person.

Good luck!


Posts: 870 | Registered: Jul 2012
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm listening, everyone! None of you have steered me wrong. :) Thank you. Yes, I'm strong, I want to pursue my own interests, like being on my own, and do find happiness in my newfound solo life already. I need to focus on the boys and I.

I don't want a relationship, I just want to have fun right now and make up for the last 4 years of feeling imprisoned, in so many ways. Financially, physically, emotionally, sexually, etc.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:06 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 year+ false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 and for good Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.

Posts: 909 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being in therapy helped me realize that I was pretty broken before I married my XH. I think if I had not been so, I might have dumped him long before he put a ring on me.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49446 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Topic Posts: 11

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