While many BS can pinpoint a point in time where the A started due to changes is WH's behavior, I can't really do that. Sure, with 20/20 hindsight there were subtle things, but he has always been attentive and romantic. Date nights, thoughful gifts, kind words, etc. have always been a significant part of our relationship.
Because of this history, I'm not seeing the big changes most BS see/feel with a truly remoseful spouse. We are commumicating better and I do believe he is being faithful, but I'm really struggling with not seeing the significant changes so many in R decribe.
In one way I'm fortunate that even the bad times felt good, but some days I still feel so totally blindsided by all of this. There's a song lyric he referenced:
"There's a man who walks beside me
He's who I used to be
And I wonder if she sees him
And confuses him with me.'
I know it would be devestating to him to hear this, but I don't see them as two different people and I'm unsure that I ever will. It scares the shit out of me. If he does choose to cheat again, will I even know?
Has anyone else felt this way and how do you make peace with the fact that the *during* WS and the *after* WS don't look that different from each other?
[This message edited by neverdidithink at 2:52 PM, February 21st (Friday)]
Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9
May God guide us and help us in these difficult times
Are there changes that you want to see that you aren't seeing?
I don't doubt his resolve to be faithful right now, nor his determination to R. I'm just really wishing I could SEE everything he assures me he FEELS right now since outwardly it all looks pretty much the same.
Glad to know I am not the only one that is unsettled by that!
[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 6:18 PM, February 21st (Friday)]
His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.
I'm just really wishing I could SEE everything he assures me he FEELS right now since outwardly it all looks pretty much the same.
Wow, my BW said the exact same thing to me in a rough MC yesterday. I feel like I'm handling things better, but: (i) I was good at faking during the A; and (ii) we agree that the negatives tend to make more of a mental impression, so I can be good for five days, but then get upset for an hour and BW remembers the hour.
In one of the popular books, the writer suggested keeping a chart that tracks the improved behaviors. I joked that it was like giving each other a gold star. Without joking, I see BW's point. I have taken it on myself to write down those times where I would have reacted or thought X before, but now I'm thinking Y. I have a little notebook to keep track. I have committed to telling BW about my notes every day. It might not be a perfect or permanent solution, but it's what we came up with for now.
WS need to realize that even if the insides of our brains are getting better, that the BS really need constant visible reminders of that. Especially in your (and my BW's) case, where you probably weren't unhappy with the M before.
I don't want to dwell on the As, and WH doesn't want to bring up the subject for fear of mucking things up when they're good, but it is really helpful when to me when WH says something like "I'm grateful for this" or "I'm sorry I jeapordized this" when things are good.
Thanks, guys. It's nice to know I'm not alone feeling this way.