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User Topic: Am I a Mad Hatter
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Due to the fact, I was involved with pornography, and now my WW had an affair. Does that make us mad hatters?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS...

The Madhatter label is applied when two people have been unfaithful in their current relationship.

I'm pretty sure porn isn't part of that dynamic but I'll check with the Moderators to make sure.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196554 | Registered: May 2002
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um NO.

I thought you had been in recovery from your porn for many years prior to her A.

You really need to quit making excuses for her fencesitting, cakeeating, gaslighting ass.

Have you seen a lawyer yet?


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7827 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I wouldnt say that. But a porn addiction can feel like a betrayal to a wife and depending on how far you went, it may be considered infidelity (such as web cams, sex chats, I consider that cheating). Would you have done the things you did online in front of your wife?


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. I am not justifying her in actions in any form.
2. I am almost 4 years free.
3. I was viewing porn while being married and it hurt her. I do consider it adultery to a certain extent.
4. I viewed cam videos but I did not put myself on cam or due a cam show or anything like that.

Thanks for checking.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would absolutely not call you a MH!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3812 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I consider porn to be a form of infidelity.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9317 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS...

The other moderators are in agreement that porn use does not constitute you being a madhatter.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196554 | Registered: May 2002
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels like infidelity to me with my ws but he's also doing sex cam however if your trying to say your porn viewing caused her to cheat, NOOOO...I'm not considering it and I've been hurt by porn.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4741 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3. I was viewing porn while being married and it hurt her. I do consider it adultery to a certain extent.

Hmm… I think it's good that you're questioning your choices. If you feel like the porn went against the values that both you and your wife held in the marriage or if your porn use hurt your wife, then it is definitely something to work on and address. Sometimes it's less about the label and more about doing the actual work.

I have heard of one couple here where both agreed that porn was adultery for them, and they are working on healing now with the porn user considering himself a WS. There are many people here who feel betrayed by porn use. There are a whole range of experiences and opinions here, and what matters is how you and your wife feel about it in your marriage.

I am curious to know, do you view your interactions with the coworker as standing close to the slope or as an EA?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Flourgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was a porn addict. He preferred to MB to porn than be with me. I would say its a betrayal but not infidelity. When he had an affair with his hair stylist that was an infidelity. He cared about her as a person. He never cared about the porn images. He never discussed our relationship or me with the porn. That is how I feel it's different.


BS me 38
WH him 39
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

curious to know, do you view your interactions with the coworker as standing close to the slope or as an EA?

See, that's what I thought this post was going to be about. The EA (which it was IMO) with the coworker was an unfaithful situation. The accompanying denials & protestations were classic Wayward-speak.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9317 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious to know, do you view your interactions with the coworker as standing close to the slope or as an EA?

Hmmm...I would say standing close...but we no longer have contact.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we went to one of the MC sessions...which we haven't gone back... I said, porn and adultery are somewhat different. I said there was an emotional connection and there is no emotional connection to the women on the internet...and I hate to admit this, but I didn't think about the women on the internet when watching, i thought about being with my wife...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think porn is a form of infidelity, to a degree. But... That is a recent development. Only because of where it led. My H was only having sex with himself watching porn (until it wasn't enough, and he resorted to prostitutes). He was protective of his porn. It was part of the slope, for sure. And it helped exclude me as a sexual partner, for sure, as well.

I don't think it makes you a mad hatter, though.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2241 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you say involved with pornography, I assume you mean just looking at it. Not in the pictures or movies?

IMO, no, looking at porn is not even close to having an affair.


Posts: 3567 | Registered: Jun 2002
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that viewing porn and both agree that if both or one spouse is not ok with it then it shouldn't happen in the marriage. I am 3 years sober approaching the 4th. May 19th.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 10:06 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to note, lotssamurai, that cheating need not be accompanied by emotional connections.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Infidelity can be defined in many ways--including excessive gaming and financial infidelity (one spouse hiding spending over time from the other, and spending in a way the other spouse wouldn't approve of.)

I think if porn use is problematic for the non-using spouse, in terms of time spent away from M, deception in hiding amount and type of use, etc--then yes, it can qualify as "infidelity."

But "adultery" and "infidelity" are not the same. Though personally, I would feel VERY betrayed if my H used porn frequently vs. spending time with me, especially if he hid it from me.

Also, concur that no emotional connection is needed to commit adultery. I assume many ONS have little/none.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive me for my ignorance, but you are correct. You don't need emotional connection to commit adultery/infidelity.

That is interesting. Infidelity you consider on a wider scale than Adultery... Than in my wife's eyes have committed Infidelity numerous times, with my martial arts, gaming and porn use...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 21
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