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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Heartbroken
Mama3030
♀ New Member
Member # 42553
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry in advance this will probably be long.

My H and I have been together 12 years, married for 7. We have three young children.

H has always had a history of hiding porn (only in the beginning when it bothered me, I stopped caring a couple years in), going to strip clubs occasionally. Well when I was pregnant with child #2 I found out he was paying for interactive webcam porn. We talked divorce but went to counseling and he seemed remorseful. We had a great three years after that

Last year was really hard as my father-in-law passed away very suddenly and H found him. I was pregnant at the time. My 3rd came 5 weeks early and had to be in the NICU (about 2 months after FIL's death). My H ran a business with his dad and this has all been very stressful.

We have only had sex twice in 6 months. With his history I thought something was up but he denied, denied, denied. Finally I figured out his phone code. I found one lone email back in December sent from him to an escort on Back page.

I confronted him. He has confessed that he has twice paid escorts for sex, once in August (a month after his dad died, when I was still pregnant) and once in December. He had sex with me once after the first time! He went to get an STD test today and I am going next week.

I am a stay at home mom. I am heartbroken, confused and desperate. I will fake it for now for my kids. He seems heartbroken too but who really knows.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.


WH 42
BS (me) 33
3 kids- 6. 4, infant

Together 13 years, married for 8

DDAY 2/21/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014
Mama3030
♀ New Member
Member # 42553
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to add he has also gone to a happy ending massage place a few times in that time span, the most recent being three weeks ago.

Gross


WH 42
BS (me) 33
3 kids- 6. 4, infant

Together 13 years, married for 8

DDAY 2/21/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Know that you are not alone, you have joined a great group. First things first, take care of yourself, when you are in the midst of such heartache it is hard to eat or sleep, but make sure you do.

Second know that none of this is your fault, even if he starts to say it is. Best pieces of advice I got when I was first on here.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mama3030))) Breezy is right, you are not to blame in any way shape or form for your WH's ways. Eat, exercise, sleep, take care of you and your kids. Read the Healing Library (upper left corner, yellow box). Read a lot here, it will educate you on Wayward thinking and behaviors. Regardless of the outcome, whether you R or D or S ... you will be ok! The people here are great, you will get good advice and support while you weather this sh*tstorm.

(((mama3030)))


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you as you deal with this. It is not a fun position to be in.

You went to counseling before and it was helpful; this is a higher magnitude offense, but will he go back with you?

Remember, there is no rush here in terms of making a decision or choosing what to do next. Take your time and be good to yourself.

You sound like a wonderful, loving mother and wife and I hope he sees and appreciates that, and will make as many amends to you as possible and give you as much support as you need.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Mama3030
♀ New Member
Member # 42553
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is very remorseful and we are both going to find counselors next week. I'm still in shock I think.

I don't want to tell anyone in real life because i don't want people gossiping or mad at me if I decide to stay. It makes me feel so alone.


WH 42
BS (me) 33
3 kids- 6. 4, infant

Together 13 years, married for 8

DDAY 2/21/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of people wait before deciding who they want to tell (if anyone); as long as you're trying to R, I think it does help to mitigate fallout to keep the information close, though it's hard not to have a shoulder to lean on. But take comfort in not being fully alone, because we are all here for you!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BeHappyAgain
♀ Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to send you some hugs and support. I hope that the counseling goes well for you!!

Posts: 110 | Registered: Nov 2013
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mama3030,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Four years ago I found out that my husband was frequenting asian massage parlors for happy endings, had a porn addiction, masturbation addiction and was sexually abused when he was eight by a female relative.

Like you, I was in total shock, totally blindsided. Initially thinking, "what did I do to drive him to this? Am I a bad wife? Am I too fat, too ugly, too this or too that?"

We also had sex very infrequently (called sexual anorexia).

The thing is . . . it had NOTHING to do with me. It has nothing to do with YOU. You were blindsided by this.

My husband is a recovering sex addict. You might want to look into this. Some of the behaviors your husband exhibited raise a red flag to me.

Sex addicts often start out with porn or masturbation addiction. When that "high' from that no longer satisfies them, they move to the next level (massage parlors). When that "high" does nothing for them, they head to the hookers. They compartmentalize what they are doing -- in their brains they think "this part of my life is on this shelf, my family is on the other shelf."

Sexual addiction is a cycle. They may feel stressed/depressed. They never learned coping skills as children (many sexually abused and/or had emotional midgets for moms - mine did). So they start thinking about getting "high" to relieve the stress/depression. They act out to relieve the stress. After they act out they have a feeling of shame which leads them back to stress/depression. shampoo/rinse/repeat.

If you think he may be a sex addict, you can go to the website recoveryzone.com There you will find a sexual addiction screening test (SAST) that may help.

I don't want to overwhelm you,but what he has told you so far may be the tip of the iceberg. It took about 4 months of trickle truth (TT) for me to get the full truth from him.

My husband attends a 12 step group,and IC. I won't lie to you. It is very difficult living with a sex addict. BUT-- if he is one-- and he works the program things can get better.

He needs to be totally transparent with you. You need all passwords to everything -- phone, computer etc. Tell him you want to run a credit check on him(you just need his SSN and his permission to run the check yourself). He may have secret credit cards or outstanding loans (my husband had both). Look at every charge on the credit card statements going back a few months. Also go through phone records. I also put a keylogger on the computer.

In the meantime, as others have said -- you need to take care of YOU now. Make sure you get tested for STDs.

There is a great book for spouses of sexual addiction called "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Marsha Means and Barbara Steffens. That book helped me understand a lot.

I hope I have not overwhelmed you. There are so many wonderful people on this website that have helped me. There is a thread in the "I can relate" forum called Spouses/partners of sex addicts. Everybody there is great. We understand.

You can PM me anytime.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 231 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quite honestly, I think people are way too quick to jump on the sexual addiction bandwagon when most times, it simply amounts to nothing more than men making bad decisions with their little heads.

What this kind of sounds like is that your husband has lost sexual interest in you and is seeking other methods and means to get sexual satisfaction. I can't help but wonder if he's not one of those guys that can't have sex with their wives once these women give birth and become mothers? I've heard of that happening alot. Or, a husband will lose interest in his wife because she no longer thinks of herself as a woman and instead is 'super mom' 24 hours a day.

It's a fine line a woman walks when she has kids - she can't forget that she's a woman FIRST - but most of us are guilty of not remembering that fact in the chaos of motherhood.

Another possibility is that he has the "Madonna/Whore" complex - he can only 'sully' what he considers lowly women (massage ladies, escorts, etc. etc.) while you're too 'pure' for him to defile.

Hopefully, whatever it may be, I hope you're able to iron it all out in therapy.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you kidding me? This woman has NO responsibility for her husband's infidelity. None. Zip. Nada.

He may not be a sex addict. He might be. To imply that she is responsible for his actions is ridiculous. This woman is going through enough right now and needs support. She doesn't need to feel that she has done something to drive him away.

Mods -- if I am out of line I apologize.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 231 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
Mama3030
♀ New Member
Member # 42553
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

Actually I do not take offense to either post. He may be a sex addict, I'm not sure. He DEFINITELY has issues with having sex with me when I'm pregnant/nursing. Neither is my fault I realize that. Both times we have had these issues was during my pregnancies/right after. He doesn't seem to have issues once we are out of the pregnancy/baby stage (hence why we have 3 kids).


We are doing OK right now. We both do not have STDs and he has had two counseling sessions already. I am trying to build the courage to make my own appointment. I have told one close girlfriend and she is very supportive/non-judgemental.

I still don't know what I am going to do. I do NOT want to divorce but I'm not sure if I can forgive him. I know I need professional help in navigating this. I cannot find any contact info for my old counselor (I cannot even find the office online so I'm not sure if they closed or what).

I am having issues sleeping/eating. I know that is normal. Just trying to take things day by day.


WH 42
BS (me) 33
3 kids- 6. 4, infant

Together 13 years, married for 8

DDAY 2/21/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 12

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