Thanks phmh, I hear you. You guys are awesome at keeping my head straight through this.
It's tough enough to make one paranoid - she hasn't even explicitly said she wants to get back together, during the texts in my NC break she said "let's be kind to each other through the kids". She may be playing the same games with OM - "look at me, I'm going to go back to my husband, come get me".. So it's all just bull. She wants to be friends with "all the ex-boyfriends in her life" if possible and have them fight for her because that's the source of her narcissism. I understand it. I really do.
And not to think to getting all chummy with OM, but I found out during my check on his FB wall that he called her a narcissist on her birthday last year (didn't put her name, but they were already hot and heavy at the time). So he was way past me in the understanding her department (he's probably highly narcissist as well though, that's why it's a constant break/make up chaos over there). The one attribute she keeps bringing she loves about me is my kindness. With that goon as a lover, of course it is!
I'm just not very strong yet. Intellectually I do know all this, but I still feel the pull intensely. It was 18 years of marriage, and two wonderful kids who deserve more than the family we could give them.
Don't think I'm just going at this blind, I'm reading and listening a lot - the author reading "Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited" from YouTube and "Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism". It's just that this stuff is hard!
And I have all the years of joint custody to look forward to..
Thanks for the bump, phmh.