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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reverse Financial Starvation and Push/Pull at the same time
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping up this due to your recent post where you think she might be showing remorse.

If she was truly remorseful, she'd sign a post-nup agreeing to every financial and custody agreement that you want -- to come into play if she cheats again (and you get to define what "cheating" is.)

But honestly? Even if she is remorseful (she's not) and never cheats again, the woman you've described is certainly not someone I'd want to be married to. Eggshells? Never again!

You might be interested to read some books on psychology and behavior. People pretty much never change who they are. They may want to, and have every intention of doing so, but they don't. It's up to you if you want to take that risk, but smart money is that if you do, you'll have another D-Day within 3 years, if not sooner.

I'm sorry that she's putting you through this. It's so much better when they leave and allow you time to get completely detached before they try to come back!

Think about if you're willing to get played again -- word on the street a second D-Day is harder than the first, and you'll delay your healing and new life by however long you stay with her.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3267 | Registered: Dec 2011
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks phmh, I hear you. You guys are awesome at keeping my head straight through this.

It's tough enough to make one paranoid - she hasn't even explicitly said she wants to get back together, during the texts in my NC break she said "let's be kind to each other through the kids". She may be playing the same games with OM - "look at me, I'm going to go back to my husband, come get me".. So it's all just bull. She wants to be friends with "all the ex-boyfriends in her life" if possible and have them fight for her because that's the source of her narcissism. I understand it. I really do.

And not to think to getting all chummy with OM, but I found out during my check on his FB wall that he called her a narcissist on her birthday last year (didn't put her name, but they were already hot and heavy at the time). So he was way past me in the understanding her department (he's probably highly narcissist as well though, that's why it's a constant break/make up chaos over there). The one attribute she keeps bringing she loves about me is my kindness. With that goon as a lover, of course it is!

I'm just not very strong yet. Intellectually I do know all this, but I still feel the pull intensely. It was 18 years of marriage, and two wonderful kids who deserve more than the family we could give them.

Don't think I'm just going at this blind, I'm reading and listening a lot - the author reading "Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited" from YouTube and "Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism". It's just that this stuff is hard!

And I have all the years of joint custody to look forward to..

Thanks for the bump, phmh.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 585 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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