You say you moved out... did she want you to move out? I mean, the lies were obviously torture... but did she want you to work on things and be introspective? If you two have a dialogue, I hope you are able to articulate these things to her. If not, it's still going to be good for you to learn how to own your behavior and prevent these kinds of things from hurting others or yourself.
I'm really glad you're working with an IC. Take a deep breath, and keep up the good work.
I'm a BS, so realize the rest of my post will come from that point of view.
You wrote that she was at one point a member here. Do you know if she still actively reads the board? The reason I ask is this:
She doesn't understand how it would that me into my mid 30s to realize fully what had happened and how that would cause me to do the crazy online stuff
If she's reading SI, she'll soon come across stories just like yours. It's not uncommon. Between other posts on the subject, and perhaps a joint session with your counselor, she could be brought to a point of understanding. If you and she are still communicating, you have the right to ask for this. She has the right to say no, but you still are allowed to use the opportunity to prove yourself to her and show her you are actively working on recovering.
Aside from the trickle truth, I would say inertia is the secondmost reason couples split after infidelity. One is healing, being proactive in their healing. The other... isn't. It doesn't sound like that's the case here.
Have you written a timeline for her, or given her a full disclosure? Or did she get a story, which slowly got dismantled via trickle truth? Has she ever heard the real story from start to finish from you? If not, perhaps you could begin there. Write a letter of full disclosure, offer it to her, and ask her to accompany you to your therapy session to have her questions about your background answered.
Wishing you the best.
So kudos to you for going to IC and trying to get some insight for yourself. I hope your relationship can be repaired, but if not, that you can heal yourself to where you are emotionally mature and healthy. Perhaps even get to a place where you can be in a really good relationship with someone else at some point. I believe most of us WS's are capable of change, even though at times it is overwhelming. However, it is also a matter of willingness as well. Do you want to change yourself? Have you hit absolute rock bottom and are you ready to make some progress forward, knowing even as you take the first step, it's gonna be a painful journey? But so worth it in the end.
BTW - I forgot to make a point earlier in my comment, but I feel it's pretty significant so I'll tack it onto here. You stated you hadn't met any of your AP's but I assure you that isn't even relevant. I never met the man I corresponded w/ online either but I think that makes no difference, really. Makes no difference in the degree of hurt my BH feels or how very inappropriate it was to go outside my marriage to get my needs met. Whether you do it to get mental, spiritual, emotional, or physical "strokes" from someone else other than the one you're supposed to be committed to is not the issue. The issue is you're asking someone else to fulfill those needs your partner should be fulfilling. I think the fact that the A was online was particularly telling in my case. It wasn't "real" life. It was way easier to hide, way easier to discount, way easier to disconnect from the severity of what I was doing. I'd shut my computer down or turn my phone off and not think about the A or the AP at all. It was very easy for me to compartmentalize it all and put people in boxes and take them out and use them for my own selfish needs whenever I wanted. I didn't even know enough about myself to know that I was weak in certain areas and needed to put boundaries up before I ever even turned my computer on. I met AP through a social media site. I deactivated my account on DDay and haven't been back since. I am surprised at how little I miss it. My BH and I have been spending all that time together that I used to waste online. We've been talking a lot. I'd much rather invest my precious spare time with him than with anyone else.
[This message edited by mrs7 at 11:23 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]