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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Very confused and hurt
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Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for everyone should I pack up all her stuff and kick her out?

You can try, but legally, she is entitled to stay at the house. That is why the others here are urging you to get some voice activated recorders---to protect yourself. As outrageous as it may seem, as much as you would have thought that it could never happen to you---so don't put it past your wife to make false accusations to get you legally removed from the house.

You saw her conversation---she is like someone you don't even know. We tend to call them "pod persons", because it is like some alien has taken over their body. Just unbelievable.

But I am a fan of you packing her shit, and putting it at the door. It shows that you are serious, and won't be pushed around. Remember, as screwed up as your emotions and thinking processes are at the moment, they don't even compare to the fuckedupness of your wife's. Not only was she out in fantasyland, but it has now been detected, is starting to crumble, and like stronger08 stated earlier, will slit your throat to protect it. Have no doubts about how far she can/will take it.

One more thing---Skan mentioned earlier that this is war. It is, in the effect that you and your children have been assaulted. You have to protect yourself. One of the most important lessons to learn here is to never reveal your sources. As difficult as it may be to hold your tongue, try to never give her an idea where you discovered information. Like the facebook conversation....just stay anonymous and gather information. It will benefit you in the long run.

Who knows? We have had members reconcile under what started off as worse circumstances. But you cannot wait and hope for such. What you can do...and need to take care of yourself, and work on removing yourself and your children from this toxic situation. If your wife was to have her "aha" moment, and work on righting the wrongs, THEN you can consider if you even want to attempt reconciliation. But as of right now, you are nowhere near that point, with no signs of any change. For that, I am sorry.

Stay strong, friend. keep reading and posting. You will be surprised how much this forum can help in your decision-making, and recovery, process. Good Luck.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
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Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see no reconciliation in our future....I don't forgive and never forget about things like this. I was partners in a business with a guy who was cheating on his wife. I'm no longer involved in the business and am no longer friends with him. Unfortunately this involves me and is a thousand worse.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro you need to thread lightly around her in the next few days. Avoid as much contact with her humanly possible. I got a bad feeling she has been setting up this exit plan for quite some time. She already has started with the abusive husband bullshit. Why do you think both of her GF's were there ? She wants witnesses in case you yell at her or something like that. My XW did the very same thing. By the time the bomb was dropped on me she had the whole scenario played out. I'm telling you dude this bitch is setting you up for a fall. Don't be surprised if you get served with a RO and are forced to leave your home. Stop letting her or the OM know what you have on them. Never tip your hand around them. It will only motivate her to start making false claims that much sooner. She is looking for a way to come out of this smelling like a rose instead of the slut she is. And if that means its at your expense, so be it. Be very careful till you see the lawyer and make sure he knows everything. Follow his advice to the letter. Afterwards you need to expose her and the OM publicly. She has already started to stain your reputation. Its time to fight fire with fire. Did you ever get that VAR ? If not do so today and start gathering all of your evidence and store it somewhere safe away from the home. That VAR just might keep you out of jail, so get one today. Good luck my man and play this smart.

Edited to add. If you think the law is going to be on the side of the truth your sadly mistaken. All a woman has to do is claim you hit her or are making threats. That's enough for the police to arrest you and/or serve you with a RO. In DV situations they always side with the accuser and your guilty till proven innocent. Trust me I know, I was kept out of my home for almost a year. All the while I had to make my financial obligations to a home where my XW was screwing her OM, in my damn bed. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Be prepared for anything.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:56 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5724 | Registered: Nov 2007
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Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As dire a situation you are in and as determined you already are in not reconciling with your wife, I would just go ahead and tell your lawyer to file Monday morning. YOU get the jump on her with the filing. She may claim DV now and in the near future, but you are the one to file first. There's a reason why your WW is going to a lawyer ASAP. It fits into her "narrative" she is constructing about you and DV.
Get those VARs out in the house and her car ASAP. Like, buy the damned things NOW.
Next time you get a opportunity to get into her FB account or her phone, keep it quite and just collect information. Find out if that douchebag OM has a wife or girlfriend. You'll want to tell that person as well a little later, but for now protect yourself.

Stay as calm as you can at home when your daughters are there. Keep being their father. Don't change your routines with them. As this shit storm gets worse, they need to turn to the one sane parent as their rock. That is you. They will also be your character witnesses. It's important you stay consistent being the father you have been to them. They will see through the bullshit your WW will try to paint you with, as she tries to coach them and fill their heads with falsehoods about you. Remember, action speaks louder than words and consistency will be the fog horn for them to help you and your girls navigate through the bullshit fog your wife is in and wanting spread.

Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those friends were there to serve as false witnesses.
The only reason you're not in jail right now?

Your 2 older girls.

Tread lightly indeed. You should not utter one word to her.

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this was me her co-conspirators would not be allowed to set foot in the house. They have assisted in destroying a marriage.

Your wife wants their support - fine, but not under the roof where your children sleep.

Do you have the identity of the other man yet or did I miss it?

Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually yes I know his name he texted me that I was a piece of shit yada yada yada......he also tried to call me I refused to answer and blocked him from my phone. Homie don't play that way....if I did he would get a baseball bat across the back of the neck, in my younger stupid days maybe but not now.

It's funny this morning she said something about ever being able to work it out to save our little family.....she was pressing me for an answer. I told her why do you need a back up plan if I say no.....I know that everything I say she is going to say to her friends and her little boyfriend.

I also spoke to my lawyer who is a friend of mine he told me to slow down gave me some legal advice urged me to not use the recorders and try to at least talk to her and discuss the situation and see what we want to do......

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your relationship with your lawyer is irrelevant. Your wife called the cops. End of. The number of men who have been screwed over because of false DV is frightening.

After that move, you should record as much as you can if only to protect yourself. It is better to do it and not need it than the reverse.

Sent a PM.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Sorry you are here. None of us want to be in this place.

As everyone has said before, you can not nice your WS back into the marriage.

When everyone first finds out, there are a lot of emotions flying about. This is understandable given the situation. I believe these emotions lead to a lot of the fighting.

When you take the emotions out of this, there is one very important question that you and WS must answer and be honest about.

Do you both want to stay married to each other?

If you both want to stay married then there is a lot of work to do, starting with NC with the OP.

If one of you does not to stay married (it takes 2 not one to make a marriage work) then your WS and you need work out how to wrap up your marriage with as few as scares. An if it does go this way then read to the 180 to help you withdraw from the marriage.

One thing I have come across from reading on the site, is the number of WS who have come across their soul mate after they are married. If they were truly honest with their spouse, they would dissolve the marriage and be with their soul mate. But instead they are not honest and carry an affair.

It is time for you and your WS to be honest with each other about the future of your marriage.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude, I know that your lawyer friend is probably advising you to take it easy, see what happens, don't record your WW, etc.

Normally, this would be good advice. If your WW had expressed remorse, vowed to do whatever possible to make this up for you, given you all of her passwords, etc, then this would be great advice.

She's tried to have you ARRESTED. She brought HER friends in to ambush you. She accused you of stealing your children to her boyfriend! The man that she is intending to REPLACE you with as both husband AND father to YOUR children.

I repeat. This is war. This is the most intimate war that you will ever fight and if you do not fix your eyes on victory conditions, on the goal, you will get screwed. She's fired the opening salvo right at your heart. You better make the return fire count or she will strip everything that you have from you your family, your home, your finances, everything. Your lawyer friend is giving you advice meant for a couple who are on the fence about if this is what they want or not. She is not on the fence. She is on the other side, aiming a gun at your head. Please. 0800 tomorrow morning be sitting in a lawyer's office with your list of demands and File! If it's your friend, remind him that you can stop this at any time but for the sake of you and your daughters, get moving and protect yourself.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan picked it up very well. No offense to your lawyer friend, but he's wrong.
Let us know how it goes with your L GG))))
Stay safe.

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if you do not fix your eyes on victory conditions, on the goal, you will get screwed

What is your goal?

Posts: 159 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

urged me to not use the recorders and try to at least talk to her and discuss the situation and see what we want to do.....
Your lawyer friend gave you bad advice. Very bad advice. Unless it is against the law in your jurisdiction to have a var on you (and I doubt it is) then you should never be without one. Considering the potential for false DV charges I cannot think of a good reason for this "friend" to not advise you to protect yourself. I would not confide in or seek the counsel of that person again. There is something not quite right there. Something not right at all.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
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Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That my friend is the million dollar question......I think my goal in all of this is to get my kids into a normal living situation. My wife and I have been very civil today and just had a serious conversation....I think she's scared shitless about me going to the lawyer which she should be. Tomorrow I'm going to explore my options with my lawyer figure the best plan of action then go forward. Like I said before I don't forgive and never forget.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck today with your attorney.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5724 | Registered: Nov 2007
OK now
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Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly expect you to be arrested at any moment, followed by a restraining order. Its so very easy for your wife to have you evicted from the house and away from your children. She may very well be carrying around a VAR herself, to record your losses of temper or any threats you may make. Her friends will be quite willing to lie on her behalf and claim you have made threats. After all isn't that what friends are for.

When you have been evicted from your home and separated from your kids, OM will move in as the new daddy and your misery will truly begin. Your toughness won't count for diddly-squat when she uses the law to get what she really wants.

Listen to stronger08; your wife is much closer to being your worst enemy than your best friend.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Golfguy, I have read through your thread this morning and don't have any advice to add. Wanted to know that you can add one more to team Golfguy. Good luck at the attorney this morning. I'm pulling for you.

25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Getting to Happy
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Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also thing that a VAR is a good idea. Your WW is the ememy. I know that you want to be civil and she still looks and smells just like your wife...but she has already tried to set you up!

She has shown you what she really thinks of you through her actions, fornicating with a stranger, lying about it, trying to blame you, using the kids like pawns, calling the cops on you...Believe her.

The VAR will help you twofold, one to make sure that she cannot accuse you of abuse and two she will slip when you are not around and try to communicate with her POSOM. It will help you to gather info.

Right now she is not the same woman that you married. This is war, you can be civil as you would be to someone who has blown up you and your kids lives. Be careful man!

Good Luck today Golfguy. I hope your lawyer gives you a good stratagy to protect yourself and your kiddos. Sending you strength and clarity.

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
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Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As the years went by I began to feel like whenever I was around her or tried to touch her she would blow me off or I would get the cold shoulder. It's a miracle somehow we have 3 kids, we must hold the world record for conception percentage.

Sounds like the marriage has been over for a long time.

D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
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Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless the advice concerned living in one of the 12 jurisdictions that require disclosure of recordings,
this friend was just giving relationship advice, and poorly at that. It was not prudent legal advice to dissuade you from protecting yourself with recordings.

I too am concerned about future false DV allegations.

Endeavor to persevere.

Posts: 410 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
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