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Topic: Very confused and hurt

Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812

Posted: 3:06 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014

Hoping for the best for you today and keeping you in my prayers.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

Snowy
♂ Member
Member # 14028

Posted: 7:31 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014

That my friend is the million dollar question......I think my goal in all of this is to get my kids into a normal living situation. ..... Like I said before I don't forgive and never forget.

Knowing what your end goal is a big step. Sometimes when we discover the affair we are frozen by the fear of what has happened.

Don't get sucked into needless arguments. If you feel any anger coming out, get out and do something physical. Go for a run or go to the gym and the grap out of a punching bag

Posts: 155 | Registered: Mar 2007

Golfguy
♂ New Member
Member # 42556

Posted: 10:28 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014

So I've waited to post for a few days. I went to see my lawyer who is also a respected friend of mine. We talked man to man and client to attorney. We went over the options I have.... We figured divorce, legal separation (he talked me out of that) or just kind of chill for a little bit. Get back on speaking terms with the wife and for us to talk about whats going on. As much as I want to just kick my wife on to the streets right now and how angry and hurt I am she is the mother of my three children. There is nothing I want too see less than to see my kids living with some strange dude. It would kill me. We have agreed to go to marriage counseling next Tuesday. Like I've said before I know that I have my sort comings as a husband and as a father but I truly love my family and will sacrifice just about anything to keep us together. My wife swears she didn't have her friend call the cops but I think her friend did it on her own.

Has anyone been to counseling? What should I expect? Has anyone been successful in helping their marriages? I don't expect to have things worked in just a couple of sessions but does anyone know how long or when we will figure out if we want to try to make repairs?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014

JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341

Posted: 11:05 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014

Hi golf guy, I just got caught up on your situation. Honestly for my H and me, what helped us the most was for us to go to individual counseling separately. If she is remorseful & willing to take an HONEST look at her behavior, MC might help. If she wants to waltz in with a closed mind & closed ears, it's a waste of time. Good luck; I wish you the best.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6564 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South

Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200

Posted: 1:03 AM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014

Yes GG, There is no point in MC if she is still in the 'FOG'. Don't waste your cash.

Maybe down the line you can get some MC but first start with IC. Actually MC might be harmful is she goes in there blaming you for her A.

You need to see some true remorse. LIke she is so sorry to have blown up your family life, not regret that your figured out that she had fucked you over. There is a difference.

Save your cash, when you see true remorse (and you will know, trust your gut) then its time to see a C together.

Good Luck and please protect your heart.

GTH

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown

Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land

OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459

Posted: 4:23 AM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014

Counseling is fine as long as it doesn't turn into a blame shifting exercise. Your WW may use the meeting to analyze all of your faults and declare that you are essentially to blame for the affair. Might even expect you to issue a sincere apology.

Right now the most important issue is to draw firm boundaries. You tell your wife that you are strongly considering divorce unless she immediately ends the cheating. If that doesn't work then the end of the marriage is in sight.

You need to avoid what she will gravitate towards; the soul-destroying affair within a marriage. Your WW carries on with the adultery, and you live together, just for the children, as mere house mates. That can go on for years and will strip you of all self-esteem.
Now is the time to be tough and strong. You must be able to control your own future.

[This message edited by OK now at 4:31 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Posts: 1692 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC

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