Topic: What was your first sign of issues?
Member # 39193
| Posted: 2:12 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
The gut feeling that something had changed.
He became distant and was not interested in spending time together.
He stopped saying I love you.
He stopped wearing his wedding ring.
Longer "work" hours. (alibi)
Going "to the gym" daily. (alibi)
Sudden interest in sports that he ridiculed before.
Sudden interest in music he didn't like before.
Sudden supposed intestinal problems that required spending LOTS of time locked in the bathroom with the fan on, and always with his phone.
Quit doing anything for the upkeep of the house. He used to be fanatical about the yard, other maintenance etc. Towards the end I couldn't even get him to change a lightbulb.
Missing money. His entire paycheck, missing.
Lots of sex but no affection, kissing, hugs etc.
New moves in bed.
And the number one sign, as so many others have mentioned, THE PHONE. He was never reachable when away from home, by either call or text. He'd have some excuse: it died, it slipped between the seats while I was driving, I didn't hear it, I did text you back, you didn't get my text?? etc. All lies. And when he was home, the phone was passcode locked and glued to him at all times. When I asked him to unlock it and give it to me, he refused, put it in his pocket and said he would not submit to that "violation of his privacy."
Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem
Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling
Posts: 748 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 42294
| Posted: 2:18 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
I laughed too. I laugh a lot actually....Its wierd. Im sure its my way of not going into depth of the pain.
Mine WH won a "shooting" contest...He never actually slept with her. The OC just happened because he had the best aim
Posts: 270 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Member # 42332
| Posted: 3:49 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
We were living like roommates
I was very ill and he didn't seem to care. He used this as a time to go out with the "boys"
Said mean things to me
On his phone all the time
Strange texts in the middle of the night
Only happy when he was out without me
[This message edited by Livingalie2014 at 3:50 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost
Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Lost
Member # 2958
| Posted: 4:08 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
I will try to contribute more when I get a chance but there is a major common theme here and I have experience it too:
PHONE PHONE PHONE PHONE!!!
this is the primary means of communication and has to be treated like a bank vault - extremely secure.
- password protected
- always left face down (so you don't see incoming notices)
- goes everywhere with WS
- changing passwords on email accounts
- taking into bathroom - I swear my WS went into the bathroom this morning and did nothing but send improper messages (it was a long time and there wasn't even a flush)
- constant messages being sent
Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
Member # 35526
| Posted: 4:30 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
All the classic signs from this weak POS:
Spending inordinate amounts of time with her toxic friends who were helping her keep it a secret.
Joined a gym.
Wanted a boob job suddenly (fucking idiot).
Lots of new colorful panties
Cold towards me.
Took a sudden liking to Frank Sinatra music (cause the adultery guy liked it)
We had phones on a family plan. She decided to get an iphone on her friends account. (So I could not see bills)
The iphone became her fucking life.
She took the phone and her purse into the bathroom to take a shower.
Most of all.....
Gut feeling was screaming.
She lied to EVERYONE that was close to her and confided in the shitbags who helped destroy her family.
I divorced this weak-minded, cowardly POS. She's not the kind of woman I would ever want my sons' to end up with.
I Divorced Her.
Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 39668
| Posted: 4:30 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
-- Obsessed with the phone. OW would text while we were together and I'd ask why she was texting him after hours and he would say it was work related.
Once it was a family photo of her, her mother and daughter. I asked him why a coworker would send him something like that. He told me she was getting a divorce, was lonely, and they had talked about the photo being taken at work earlier in the day.
-- Distant from me. Irritable. I thought it was because we were tired from work. Wrong.
-- New moves in bed-- but all aggressive ones (hair pulling, rough doggy style). I hated it. Last time we had sex I even had to ask him if it was almost over. Just bad bad bad.
-- New condoms.
-- Working out all the time.
-- Talked about her too much ("Oh, OW says that all the time").
-- Would go missing for hours at a time on weekends when he was supposed to be running errands.
-- Stopped participating in things we used to share and enjoy (like sports games).
-- A general disinterest and coldness. We were in Boston during the bombing. A friend called my phone to make sure we were okay. I rushed into the next room to tell him what had happened. He had already heard and treated it like it was no big deal and who cares.
-- Started being critical of me in ways he wasn't before. Even small things. I made a comment one weekend while we were driving that we were only about 15 mins away from our location when it was more like 20. He snapped at me for getting it wrong.
-- When I'd try to be affectionate (hold his hand or something), he'd pretend to fall asleep.
-- Started talking about how I was selfish for paying my credit card bills before his and generally started getting nervous about money and his share of our accounts in a way that he wasn't before.
-- Stopped really calling or texting me first from work, etc.
-- Dragged feet on family vacations, planning for various, upcoming family events, etc etc.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 4:31 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
BS / D
Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 55
| Posted: 4:38 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
I thought of something else and wonder if anyone else noticed this.
The OM just happened to be a co-worker at a new job of hers. When she first started working there, I would ask about the people etc, and she would tell me about them all. At first she told me of a guy there that was made her laugh, he reminded her of so and so, a friend of ours.
Then as the months went by and other things had started making me suspicious and I would ask her about work and co-workers, she would never mention the guy who was funny and made her laugh, the guy who turned out to be the OM.
So never mentioning a certain co-worker became a sign for me.
Posts: 3789 | Registered: Jun 2002
Member # 40879
| Posted: 6:38 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
Her cell phone was never out of arms reach from her. Never. She carried it with her always and never let it sit out where I could see it.
Posts: 206 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 42510
| Posted: 9:13 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
--STBX was hell to live with on a family vacation over winter break.
--Didn't call me on a Friday night when he was out of town. Always called me when jobs ran long and he wasn't back on Friday. Didn't answer the phone until Saturday afternoon. Sent red flags up and I asked point blank if he was having an affair (DDay #1 was spring 2003, so he was tripping my triggers). Said no to the affair, and I believed him.
--then changed his whole look and wardrobe. Told me I was getting more insecure and that it had been 10 years so I should trust him.
--Came home in early January and cleaned out his closet.
--was glued to his phone
--told everyone but me we were having marriage problems
--started taking time "for himself" every night, but was really texting his hussy
--Put his phone on silent, and then had to text the "office" while we were on a family shopping trip on a Saturdays. The office doesn't
I found out when I picked up the phone and started reading the texts. Read them back to him. It was gross.
"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars
Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Member # 40115
| Posted: 10:37 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014|
I was either really stupid or STBXH was really good at hiding things.
My first clue was a phone call from the police saying STBXH was in their custody being questioned and facing multiple felonies. I thought they meant a DUI and accident. Nope. Craig's List and a minor.
Edited to correct stupid typos.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
Posts: 1651 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 39567
| Posted: 6:13 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014|
My first sign was a text message that came in to H cell phone while I was using it to talk. I opened it thinking it was his work. There was picture of OW wearing red Victoria Secrets baby dolls he had sent her, thanking him. Funny, it was the same set he gave me the year before. He said " They were on clearance".
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.
Posts: 112 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 55
| Posted: 9:11 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014|
CATransplant - Wow, a frugal WH
Posts: 3789 | Registered: Jun 2002
Member # 41181
| Posted: 1:50 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014|
Lots of times I would get a gut feeling, I would confront him and he would come up with a reasonable excuse and ask me why I was so suspicious.
He could look me in the eye and lie ... no surprise to many here I know!
Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.
Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
♂ New Member
Member # 41564
| Posted: 7:48 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014|
...how could I forget the phone. She couldn't even go to the bathroom without that phone. New underwear, she says it's a coincidence...I don't know, she bought the same "boring" drawers for the last 6 years and suddenly during the EA she picks up different style. It wasn't overtly sexy never the less when I was doing laundry and I picked them up to wash them, I immediately dropped them and thought, "WTH are these?"
Sex. She was clearly avoiding me, almost as if she was being "true" to the OM.
Thousand Yard, Glassy Eyed, Stare
She spoke even spoke in a different language. Nothing made sense. Her whole world view changed. She blew me away one day when she bragged about how her current bosses marriage was a result of an affair. They both were married once before, cheated, and got married. They are I assume one of the few exceptions to the rule but she admired they pulled it off.
She ignored the kids.
She was brutal with me.
Other people hearing of the state of my marriage even asked, "Did she tell you about the OM?"
Posts: 24 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Member # 41322
| Posted: 9:11 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014|
Oct 2013 I was trying to help my WW get ready for a scrapbooking weekend. She wouldn't let me have her iphone for more than a few seconds to try to send pictures to the printer. This is what sent off huge red flags for me, but I was trying to help her and our "technology" frustrations were running high.
Summer 2013-accused me of cheating, very volatile, claiming post-partum depression. She was holed up in the bedroom or out with friends, I was a loving parent to our daughter, forgoing usual summer rituals so WW could have "down time" to work on her depression issues. I worked very hard to make WW life as stress and responsibility free for the whole summer.
iphone data overages, couldn't figure out why, WW said it was because our home wifi sucked (which it does, I don't hook up to it either, but her data was 3-4 times the amount that I used) skyping and facetiming little sex shows, and some international charges as well.
Bikini waxing on a consistent basis (got to look good for the closeups)hair and makeup professionally done a few times, lingerie from zullily.com the talk of getting her clittoral hood pierced was the ultimate red flag for me...
I trusted her. I do not blame myself for not seeing the signs sooner. I do blame myself for making her life too easy.
Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.
Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 42292
| Posted: 9:40 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014|
Told me we should go our separate ways out of the blue. Was too naive to think she would have an affair.
Posts: 100 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40798
| Posted: 11:01 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014|
Thought I could stop digging after all the stuff I found out. Phone, phone, phone, computer etc. actually told me when we started dating that a persons computer and phone should be private ! My instinct lead me to searching the phone etc and found everything I needed. I keep checking though. Just found out yesterday that the phone number and the address that he has on his e mail account settings is in a city 3 hours from us! What's with that? Any comments?
Together 2 1/2 years
Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
Posts: 193 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 42356
| Posted: 11:03 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014|
My first sign was when my WH started getting angry during every conversation we had, he would get upset over the smallest question. He had an extremely short fuse with me. That SHOULD have been my big red flag, but I thought he was just going through something.
"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"
Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 38141
| Posted: 11:59 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014|
While wh and I are working on Reconciling, the memories are front and center -
1. He suddenly thought his cell phone was vital to his every breath - before chickie he would leave it laying around and usually off.
2. He began a 1 man campaign to improve me. I was suddenly depressed, I didn't dress right, my speech was wrong, I didn't make decent meals, I was out of shape (and at that point I was a size 8). I didn't watch the right tv shows. blah, blah, blah. I didn't socialize enough.
3. His trips got longer and he know longer called home as often.
4. We had sex - no affection. New moves in bed.
5. He suddenly became VERY interested in HIS body. (i.e. working out and wanting to bike ALONE or walk the dog ALONE)
6. He started drinking - not alot, just more.
7. He completely and totally changed his tv viewing habits. He went from a total news junkie to watching fluffy night soaps.
8. He was short with our children. He was also critical of them on things he had previously supported.
ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.
Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 24416
| Posted: 1:20 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014|
He started going hiking with his best friend's wife (who was my friend too) and her kids and leaving me and our kids at home.
He started working out.
He was very mean. Putting me down. This was totally out of character for him.
2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.
Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.
Posts: 1663 | Registered: Jun 2009
|Topic Posts: 40|