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Newest Member: 4hazel (45322)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do you do when your BS starts a revenge affair?
fireguy87
♂ Member
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFL4

Part of the issue is also the curiosity factor. I am his only and I can't say that about myself. Not proud of that.

I understand this statement. My FWW was my first and only. I was her first, but no longer her only. I can honestly say that even though our situation occurred almost 20 years ago, through the years I too had thoughts of a RA because of curiosity and because I felt that I deserved what she had also.

However, I also realized that if I deserved what she had, than she deserved what I had which, in addition to, all the pain and hurt that an A causes, there was also the anger and the opportunity to walk away because she had the right to decide if the A would be a dealbreaker, just like I had the right to make that decision.

In the end, I came to the conclusion that it just wasn't worth it. I didn't want to work hard for something just to then throw it down the drain. I also saw what a RA can do to families. The OM W was having a RA of her own when my W confessed. I can tell you they didn't survive and I know quite a bit about their family now a days since we have mutual friends. II'm glad I didn't subject my family to that scenario. We had kids during and after our recovery, and I'm thankful they didn't have to go through what OM's kids did (they already had kids before he and my W had an A).

In the end, regardless of what we all say, only you can decide if you want to put up with a RA. Yes, you are (or were) a WW, but that doesn't mean that you have to give up all your rights within the marriage.

Good Luck,
FG87


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call Monday about the job. Maybe it is still open! Tell your husband you will be doing this and then looking for another job if this isn't open. It is time to protect you. It is also time for you to start changing and being strong. Even if he doesn't change, you will.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI folks...at this point, isn't he already a wayward?

Who knows about your affair? Kids? Family? Friends?

Would you characterize him as controlling? (Pre DDay)

Time for a firm line in the sand. Right now your marriage is dead EITHER way he chooses.

Time to take a job if YOU want to. Time to protect yourself.

Tell him if he doesn't immediately stop, provide you complete transparency, and go to IC - for starters - that Monday morning you'll see a lawyer, and are "99% likely to" out both of you to family and friends and his budding OW.

Shock and awe might be the only thing to snap him out of this. And that still might leave you with a non-savable marriage.

I could be totally wrong with all this. But the last thing you need right now is to be thinking of excuses for him, and to blame yourself for his post DDay choices.

I'm sorry for your very real mess. But from what I read and extrapolate, hope isn't gonna get the job done. He's doing some kind of reverse cake eating, or something. Just wow...


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

****He says I deserve it. ****

Tell your (now)WH this
---An eye for an eye just leaves everyone blind---


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hopefaithlove4
New Member
Member # 42384
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He agreed early this morning that he'll talk to someone before he does anything else. He is really hurting and angry and the ra line of thinking helps temper that. It's all about his curiosity/fulfilling a fantasy and revenge. That he should have what I had during the a.

Absolutely no one knows about the affair except the mc and my IC. He does not want it exposed. I am fine if he does out it, I would prefer it wasn't but that's the least of my concerns.

He is a type a climb the corporate ladder type. I would not say he's controlling but I struggle with a power control because he earns all the money and I stay home. I do not know if that's real or I'm projecting. He has always considered income ours so this may be an insecurity on my part.. But I also know that when I had this last job opportunity he controlled the situation to his benefit by withholding information from me, information I point blank asked for. To me it feels that he wanted to hold me back, so, yes, this feels like he is being controlling. And then to give me the option of you work on the marriage and qietly look the other way while I have an open, free to date marriage or I'll leave seems like a control, too.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This just makes me feel ill and I am sorry.

The furthest thing from my mind as the BS was having sex with someone else and not bc I just loved my H so much at D-Day but because the thought of being intimate with someone was just so gross to me at that point. My bf even suggested our waiter one night and I laughed. She was serious! Gross. No thanks. I don't need to feel shitty about MYSELF in addition to feeling shitty about him.

I am with JustDesserts.

Time for a firm line in the sand.....

Tell him if he doesn't immediately stop, provide you complete transparency, and go to IC - for starters - that Monday morning you'll see a lawyer, and are "99% likely to" out both of you to family and friends and his budding OW.



Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2436 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
smez
♀ Member
Member # 41882
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopefaithlove4,

My heart hurts for you. I know how long you struggled with the decision over the job. I do think he manipulated you to turn it down so he could continue to maintain a "sense of control".

It's time to put on your big girl pants and get serious. I 100% believe you are invested in your marriage. I think you are doing the necessary work to help you survive.

I do think you should call up the job and ask if they would reconsider having you back. If that is not an option, PLEASE get in writing your equity share in the start up.

He forfeited the moral high ground when he decided to start dating.


Me: 36
BS: 37

Married 8 years.
1 Child
DDay: March 2012


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2014
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie - Look at it this way. We're in the garden and I chop your leg off with an ax. Do you think the best remedy to fix everything is for you to snip my arms off with the garden sheers?

I don't think I can say it any better than this.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFL4, of all the acting out that waywards do, of all the postings I read on this website, what bothers me the most aren't the accounts of WSes taking an A underground (as horrible as that is) but the stories of WSes who OPENLY continue their As. You knew then and know now what you did was wrong. You knew then and know now what you did was unacceptable. And hurtful. But at least it, for awhile, was a secret. You weren't flaunting it in his face while expecting him to deal with it, to continue as if nothing was different in your M and as if you shouldn't react.

So I think there's a HUGE difference in what you did and what he's contemplating. Believe me, I understand how hurt he is. While not one iota of me wants a RA, ALL of me wants my SAWH to understand how demeaning and soul-crushing and excruciating the pain of his betrayal was. But a RA won't do it. Unfortunately, nothing will. He'll never understand how I felt and feel. He can try, but he can't succeed.

So not only is a RA immoral, it's futile, too. If you know why your BS is carrying on a RA and it's in plain sight, then it's more maddening than anything. Would you be blind-sided? No. He's not hiding it. Would you lose trust in him? No. He's not lying. Would your marriage be re-written to justify his behavior? No. He's not excusing the bad behavior in the same way.

A revenge affair does not equate to an affair. I understand (and am attempting this) reconciling after an A; I do NOT understand trying to reconcile when an A is happening openly. That's when I'm completely on board with the "file for divorce yesterday" crowd.

Waywards have a huge amount of work cut out for them because of the choices they've made and the consequences that follow an A. Betrayeds do, too. But the work is different, the work is not equal, the differences are not fair . . . but life is not fair. If he truly wants to R, then no RA; if he wants to have a RA, then no M. Reconciliation isn't synonymous with humiliation. Just because you choose poorly in the past doesn't mean you deserve to be belittled. How is that going forward? How it that progress? How is that healing?

Don't let your guilt shame you into settling for this kind of behavior from your betrayed spouse. Sure, he's devastated, but this is no solution. In fact, it seems almost exploitive. No, no, no, no!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a betrayed spouse - The furthest thing from my mind was a revenge affair. I gave great thought to bodily harm, but the idea that ME having an affair might even the score? Improve my marriage? Make me feel better? Nope.

I'm sorry your spouse is doing this to you and your marriage.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 476 | Registered: Jan 2013
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed spouse here. A revenge A doesn't help at all, just adds to the pain. If you both want reconciliation, then this is a time to invest in each other.

If you're already in MC, it's probably a good idea to start immediately to keep things from further falling apart.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused about how to regain self respect by dating someone while married. Didn't he see how well it worked out for you? How exactly does this happen involving another person when self respect is something you have because you have worked on yourself and you feel good about your choices. Not sure how dating someone, using someone for personal gain accomplishes this. If your BS (or anyone) is unwilling to work on the angry feelings he has with his current marriage, he is doomed to take it into the next one. Never a good idea to heat one up while you are cooling one off. Even if he were single and dating someone. It's just confusing yourself, causing more drama. It's the highway to Bitterville. He'll forever be lonely on the inside trying to fill a void. The only way to regain your self respect is by liking yourself again.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:18 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a thought. What happens if at the end of his self imposed indulgence he decides he prefers the new girl?


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 758 | Registered: Apr 2013
hopefaithlove4
New Member
Member # 42384
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, when i brought that up he said that won't happen as he is not looking for a relationship. But he doesn't want to be with anyone that wants a ONS. He wants a pseudo relationship on his terms. The other woman apparently doesn't know he's married and she also has a daughter the same age as our daughter. I can't track any info down on her as he has everything password locked and i can't get in to anything. Nothing good will come out of it.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This situation is SO wrong on SO many different levels......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hopefaithlove4
New Member
Member # 42384
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not as easy as everyone says to say fine, we're divorcing. If he's unsure about this, I'll wait and watch and hope the IC he's agreed to see once can help him. Maybe this is seen as spineless on my part. If I press anything it just spurs him in the wrong direction. If I focus on us and making positive moments, then that seems to help. Then he starts questioning why he'd do it and he's more open to me. Press it, he gets angry.

I feel utterly powerless right now. On one hand he is hell bent to do this and I get the ultimatium of deal with it or we get a divorce. On the other hand, he is also torn and recognizes it's wrong and is unsure about doing it, questions why he would when we do make progress, and he says he wants to stay married. I can't challenge it. I can't challenge anything. Any time we have a dif opinion I get the a thrown at me and "this is never going to work, we need to divorce." exact words.

Is this abuse? Is it normal BS anger? Is this co-dependence? I don't recognize us at all.

I am in a spot where I need to protect the family. I don't know where that is or what exactly it means. We have two elementary aged kids and I am going to have to make a decision to protect them.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What he's doing is going to be soul crushing for HIM. Do you think he understands that? It will be soul crushing for you, too, but I think that's the impact he's looking for, right now.

I can't tell you how much I hate to see this kind of stuff happen. It's like insisting on a double shit sandwich, when a single was too much, already. Have you read the 180? It's not about forcing or changing the actions of your spouse, it's about getting yourself strong enough to deal with whatever might happen. You can't control him, but you CAN control your reactions to his actions.


Posts: 11742 | Registered: Mar 2008
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound afraid of him getting angry.

You realize him getting angry at hearing things he doesn't want to hear is a way he's learned he can manipulate you and situations.

It's going to be a warm, fuzzy moment when his clueless Match.com girlfriend, innocently dating, learns he's a married cheater.

You putting a lot of stock in hope, faith. and a wing and a prayer. You are making a lot of excuses for him and you. Rationalizing for him and you. Justifying for him and you. The chances for a happy ending here, from what I'm reading, sound slim to none.

You effectively have no support network. You are isolated and alone. And you are afraid of him. This is about control and punishment for him. And I doubt it will stop here.

Yes, SO wrong on SO many levels. I hope you get help and take action.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
TOMTEFAR
♂ Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry about this but I don't agree with everyone else here.

People are different. We hurt differently. We manage our hurt differently. We are affected by an A differently both as a WS and as a BS. Some find the idea of the WS getting to have an A and not the BS extremly offensive. Even worse having the WS not staying through it.

For some the inequallity of an A is to much. For some revenge is Paramount. Right or wrong it's just the way things are. I know of several that had an A of their own after being betrayed with the end result being a great M.

I'm not saying that having an RA or a free card is good or bad. However, it does good for some.

You can argue that the BS can Always D and yes that is true but what if that isn't the wants of the BS or the WS. It might be a way through with a RA/free card.

I beleive that for some doing this is the only option other than D.

I know not the thoughts and ideas that's generaly on this board but I just thought I chime in with the other side.


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2013
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devils Advocate here...I myself came close, probably in my own head of having an affair after my WW affair came out.

1. The Pain he is feeling is so great that he needs medication...problem is he trying to get the medication from someone else other than you. Which is somewhat understandable, after all the betrayal he is not sure if you are the safe medication.

2. The justification is very disturbing. The fact that it is a fantasy and now he feels he has free range to act on it, shows that He either wanted to have an affair himself and probably for quite sometime.

1a. He needs to get on some Anti-Depressants.
2a. He needs at least IC to understand that what he wants is not right or justifiable. As much pain he is in, he is making the situation much worst.

You said he is the type to climb the corporate ladder. No doubt his self-esteem took a very big blow and feels powerless and like he needs to redefine himself. He is going about it the wrong way.

You have to do as the others say, set boundaries and your going to have to explain this to him in a loving way.

I for one wouldn't want a revenge affair, but like many BH,I wanted to feel special to someone and like I meant something to them. Some will go looking for it and sometimes it lands in their lap because of the boundaries and emotions get all screwed up.

I am praying for you and your family.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
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