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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do you do when your BS starts a revenge affair?
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said it was interesting, smez, I realize everyone is different. However, you may feel different if you happened to be the BS. Don't know until you have walked in those shoes.

Interesting, also, that you categorize your affair as a mistake as opposed to a deliberate choice. I guess you are one of those WS's where the "affair just happened".


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
smez
♀ Member
Member # 41882
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh for FFS...I actively sought out my affair. It was a mistake. My husband sees it as mistake. If he chose to have a RA, I would see it as mistake. Different strokes for different folks.


Me: 36
BS: 37

Married 8 years.
1 Child
DDay: March 2012


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, don't get upset. I said I think your thoughts are interesting. That is all. I don't necessarily agree with them, but I don't have a dog in this fight. Keep calm and carry on, as they say, smez.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hopefaithlove4
New Member
Member # 42384
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I am afraid of making him angry. It's easier to let it go and not add fuel to the fire. The weekend was just a rollercoaster of emotions. He's bound and determined to do this and then come back to the marriage and recommit, but he doesn't see what everyone else, including myself, sees that it doesn't solve anything other than a temp boost to his self-esteem and a notch on his bed post. Maybe that's what he needs, but it also creates more problems than it solves.

This morning I hugged him goodbye for work and said "I love you". And he said, "I love you, too." Then we both froze because he hasn't said that in a longggg time. I asked if he wanted to take it back as an impulse and he said no he'd leave it. He said he never stopped loving me. He's also said, over the weekend, that he struggles with the A, doesn't really want to go through with it, and does want to stay in the marriage and make it work

I know he is acting out of hurt. I know he is desperate to find an answer to move forward with me. I know his ego and self-esteem are shot and he thinks he needs outside validation for it. How ironic that is. I know, at some point, one of us is going to have to draw the line in the sand and say enough. Right now, I'm hoping that he will do it on his own. I'm working on finding him a good IC to talk with, since he agreed to go--at least once.

I have IC tonight. Then we go on vacation tomorrow. Just us, no kids. Considered cancelling it, but I didn't want to. Let's keep the bar low, not force anything, and let it be what it is. Go, have fun, enjoy each other's company.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:43 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smez...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196518 | Registered: May 2002
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to mention this, and I don't think anyone else has. Have both of you thought of STD's? Have you both been tested so far? Is he going to use protection in his affair? How can you be sure? Most AP's claim to use protection, but the reality is, they don't. Will he have his OW (who doesn't even know she is OW, so very sad) take a STD test to protect you before he has sex? Will you have sex with your WH whilst he is fucking someone else? Better stock up on protection and doctors appointments for STD's.

The biggest shock of all to both of you maybe when the year is up for your WH to think he is in lllluuurrrvvvv with his AP. What then hfl4?

Go, have fun, enjoy each other's company.
Definitely. I also hope you talk more about this situation and get over your fear of his anger. Maybe, just maybe, he wants you to make a big hullabaloo about his cheating. Maybe that will show him how much you care for him and love him, in some weird thinking of his. Maybe it will show him that you are willing to risk his anger to let him know this isn't okay with you at all and that you can't stand by and watch him do this as it will break your heart.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:10 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you from my personal experience that you will have trust issues and it will be a blow to your already damaged WS self esteem. It makes a bad situation so much worse. I know why you're sticking in there, I did it too. We are working on R, but this really slowed the process. Triggers, insecurities, loss of trust...

Good Luck


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This might ruffle some feathers but I wonder if things get impossibly complicated when this happens because the BS who has a RA always then has a crutch - a "you did it first" that doesn't allow them the opportunity to really look at themselves because there is always the "hey if he/she wouldn't have done it, I wouldn't have done it." They always have that to fall back on and thus never fully explore why and fix themselves. If this is the thought, then there's no work done.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4525 | Registered: Dec 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc, that is just an excuse and a justification for having an affair. It is an affair. By throwing the word "revenge" in front of affair it magically becomes somehow an okay coping mechanism?

My FWH's main reason for having the affair was/is his crappy to non-existent coping mechanisms. hfl4's WS is using this as a crappy coping mechanism. This isn't about healing, this is about medicating his feelings. With some strange.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister - you and I know that but that's why I cringe so much when I hear about RA - because the BS turned WS rarely takes the full responsibility.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4525 | Registered: Dec 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aawww, yes, I am sorry, I missed your point, rachelc. Yes, you are right, the BS turned WS will use that as a crutch, as they are very broken, too.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hopefaithlove4
New Member
Member # 42384
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding STDS, I don't know if he's thought about that. I said if he does anything to use a condom. If he is doing something, I won't be having sex with him.

Nevergive up, I hear you. That ball is already rolling with the insecurities, self esteem, and loss of trust.

And, no, he won't address the issues after all this and instead will blame me. I told him that if he does this, then he needs to step up and be the remorseful spouse to help with the healing and he won't. Last night I told him I would like an apology from him to lying to me about his dating when I bluntly asked him as I was getting ready to turn down that job. He absolutely refused, saying he did it so I'd make my decision from my heart. So, no, there will be no remorse for his A.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too bad he didn't come to SI and post his hurt and anger and fear. Check in with Menz. Post he was contemplating a RA.

Pandora's box is open. And you now have a wayward husband.

The poor and innocent Match.com single mom is really getting f*cked over here.

And if you do thorough std research, condoms can't prevent some really nasty and permanent doozies from jumping from one organism to another organism.

You've got one hell of a hot mess going! I'm sorry. And to think your BS had what many BS's here sadly only dream about: a remorseful wayward who wants to change and reconcile.

He's flushed all that away...

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pandora's box is open. And you now have a wayward husband.
Yep. (((hopefaithlove4)))


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion a BS who chooses a RA is simply an unfaithful spouse who finally found the excuse he or she had been looking for. The only difference - one spouse needed an excuse or something to react to, while the other just needed an opportunity and the belief that he or she would get away with it. Both scenarios are just as wrong.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1330 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that the RA is always a bad idea, Sal, but I disagree with this:
In my opinion a BS who chooses a RA is simply an unfaithful spouse who finally found the excuse he or she had been looking for.
...is a BS who yells and screams at their WS after DDAY a person who always wanted to berate their spouse and was just waiting for the opportunity? I doubt it, provided they don't have any history of it before DDAY. Infidelity is a terrible thing, and trauma can turn otherwise normal people into creatures they never dreamed of. It doesn't mean that they're not responsible for their own actions, just that I don't think every BS who has ever had a RA had considered cheating before. In fact, I'd be more likely to think that the BS who has NEVER had those sorts of thoughts would be more tempted to have the RA, because the gulf between their actions and impulses and their WS's were so different.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1955 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:32 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1330 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...is a BS who yells and screams at their WS after DDAY a person who always wanted to berate their spouse and was just waiting for the opportunity?

No, because if that was the case then I guess I'd be someone who always wanted to berate his spouse. And I know that's not the case. But I'm not sure the analogy applies.

Berating a spouse who has caused you tremendous pain is an emotional reaction that comes from overwhelming shock and grief. It occurs in the moment. Going out and wooing another woman for the sole purpose of having "revenge sex" with her seems a lot more calculated to me. At some point you have to form the decision to have a RA, then take steps to make it happen.

Even taking into account the shock and rage that a BS experiences, I don't know how you could do that without having a preexisting wayward mentality. But hell, I'm no expert in this crap. That's just my take.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1330 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Berating a spouse who has caused you tremendous pain is an emotional reaction that comes from overwhelming shock and grief. It occurs in the moment. Going out and wooing another woman for the sole purpose of having "revenge sex" with her seems a lot more calculated to me. At some point you have to form the decision to have a RA, then take steps to make it happen.
No, you're right, this is a good point.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1955 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This screams of abuse to me. So damn sad.

As a BS, I have momentarily thought of doing this. I think if most of us were 100% honest, a lot of us would admit it. What stops me? I actually love my fWH. I would NEVER hurt him like that. So, your WH's attitude about this is what bothers me the most, not that he thought about it. Its psychological abuse. I'm not even going to get into the fact that he is deliberately using a woman to hurt you. That's messed up in too many ways.

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 6:54 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Topic Posts: 98
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