If you haven't already, I'd consider posting the issue in the SA thread, or post putting something like "need help addressing SA husband's girl watching" in the title.
That way, you'll hopefully get feedback from people who deal with SAs and recovering SAs themselves.
Do, however, enjoy your vacation. I love Hawaii....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
So then nobody but me thinks that it's disrespectful for one's unfaithful husband to be openly ogling women while out with his wife?
KK, I don't consider your WH as 'stopping all SA behaviors' if he is continuing to openly ogle other women......
I believe it's called "scanning",and it's part of the sickness.
I watched my x do it incessantly, and he was involved with hookers as well over the years.
It is very disrespectful. He doesn't get it.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 1:11 AM, February 24th (Monday)]
Does he have a CSAT? (certified SA therapist)
edited for typos (I always have to!)
The drug is the drug, period. Beer is as intoxicating as whiskey.
I was saying he is still using, beer is alcohol, so a drunk drinking beer is still drunk. Also, if all he ever drank was beer anyway, he is still using first-line behaviors, and has not scaled back even at all. If he previously did more hard core behaviors, he likely is rationalizing that this isn't acting out because it is not as bad as what he used to do. It is still acting out. As much as beer is still alcohol, scanning is still acting out.
It'd be disrespectful even if he had a clean history otherwise. If I am with my wife and take notice of an attractive woman I will point her out, though my wife is more likely to do that. That is our dynamic though, and for us it works because we're present in each others thoughts. Usually it just takes the form of commentary during TV like "That womans tits are way too big for her skinny arm body, how does she not float away" or "That woman has a very interesting face" or "Matt Smith is attractive in that just this side of unattractive way of being attractive" though I honestly just kind of nod and go along with comments like the last because while I think the bowtie is stylin I have no fucking idea. Anyway.
If you aren't even in his head while you are right next to him and he is openly leering then it's just plain wrong IMO.
[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:37 PM, February 24th (Monday)]
After that, every time he does it I would step on his foot (hopefully I would have stiletto's on) or I would elbow him nice and hard. Just a friendly reminder....
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 6:03 PM, February 24th (Monday)]
Then put the ball in his court and see how he handles it.
Well, not a fine line between double and triple taking and scanning. Really, truly, if this is a guy who wants to recover from his addiction, and not continue to wallow in and enjoy his addiction, this behavior should be discussed between him and his CSAT and him and his SA sponsor. And if he isn't seeing either of those two folks, my hunch is that he's white knuckling his addiction (except for liberally using scanning) and continuing in it, and not recovering.
You should certainly discuss this between the two of you as well. If you find it harmful to your M, he should know. Do you have any boundaries established with regard to this behavior?
It is not a fine line. You didn't describe a guy who happened to notice once an attractive woman. You described double and triple takes. And an SA in recovery(or purporting to be). No fine line there.
[This message edited by carnelian at 8:16 PM, February 24th (Monday)]