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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So or fwb? (warning, tmi)
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Question  Posted: 11:22 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Backstory:
We were exclusive for one year.
We broke up. He said he didn't love me enough.
There was no dishonesty and/or cheating.
I felt very hurt and went NC for one month.
After reconnecting, he asked to be friends. I wasn't sure and still felt anger, but he sweetened the deal by offering to help with some household stuff I needed help with. I asked if 1.was he lonely? 2.was he asking for another chance? 3. sex?
I ruled out all three by not just words, but his actions, namely asking for sex one night and I got turned down. (I felt hurt)
He continued to bring goodies for my girls, make sure they got me a bday cake on my birthday, bought them bday gifts, provided emotional support when there was a serious issue, bought dinner and cooked it at my place for me and my girls, and more. (lots of actions)
One night we had too much to drink watching an important sports game at his place. I said I would spend the night as not to drive drunk.
I asked for FWB he said yes this time.
The favors for me continue. We have also been dating since after NC as in he asks me out and we go do things together, he pays mostly. Sometimes I pay but not as much. Anyway it's like being SOs except we don't hold hands or kiss or say we are bf/gf. I am not in love with him anymore, and at first he didn't seem to be either. Now maybe he is still not, but when I pull away he pays even more attention to me.
There have been a couple of other fwb times and we always stay overnight together and cuddle. I read about fwb online and there are so many "rules" none of which we are following! I'm confident he is not seeing anyone else, and I am not interested in anyone else; just really apathetic about romance and more focused on other areas of life, getting ready for big career change, selling house after 15 years, etc. He likes to talk more and lots of eye contact, and sprucing up his appearance whereas when we first reconnected he didn't shave often and things like that. I've gone in the reverse from putting extra effort into my appearance when we reconnected to now if he comes over and I'm sweaty in workout clothes don't care. He's upfront and direct though and would ask to be SOs again rather than hinting. We communicate daily.
Has anyone ever done this? Where did it lead?
Is this "ok"? well dumb question we're adults and no one is in a committed relationship with anyone else, no one is sleeping with anyone else.
I'm not sure what my point is here, it's just new territory and without any experience in this, at this age feels odd.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's fwb as far as I'm concerned, until you have a discussion with him where you both agree it's something more.

eta: Is it okay? That's entirely up to you. Are you okay with not having a spoken, agreed upon commitment?

[This message edited by inconnu at 11:38 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12166 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't this keep you from having a meaningful relationship with someone else? How will you feel if/when he pulls away if he starts another relationship? How will your girls feel if/when he suddenly exits again?
Also, kind of out there, he's not paying tooo much attention to your girls is he? Is he ever alone with them?
Probably best to establish with him the parameters and expectations so just you know.
If he ends up being a good friend that's great just so it doesn't keep you from someone else you might meet.
Good luck.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I don't hear where you are very happy in this relationship. It is meeting some of your basic needs, but if you need to ask if he is a SO or a FWB…he is a FWB.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are FWB. the odds of this changing are extremely low. I went through it once, it made me realize I wanted an SO.

I had to end the FWB so I could find an SO. Someone to hold my hand in public and call me his gf. It probably took the FWB to realize that's what I wanted, if that makes sense.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever you want to call it, it is a quasi relationship on his terms. If you want more, ask for it or end it. He isn't going to change if he is happy with the status quo.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3450 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
ItsNotUitsMe
♀ Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice but I am in a similar relationship. I have been dissatisfied with it for awhile but im a conflict avoidant codependent and havent figured out my approach to change things. I find myself starting to become resentful. I will need to do something soon.

I know that I would like a "real" relationship with him but if he doesnt, then I need to break it off so I can be open to meeting someone who wants the same thing. I know I am worthy yet I'm finding it hard to throw the gauntlet. He is my best friend above all else and I dont want to lose that.


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Dec 2008
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, he's a good guy, brings treats for my cat. Doesn't jump from relationship to relatipnship ...I've met his friends and family at faraway place,twice and hes generous with them too, godfather of longtime friends' kids. I don't relationship right now, maybe never again. Also will never marry again . Im just really apathetic and too focussed on other life aspects.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Bebba1171
♂ Member
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can identify with it as I have slipped back into a relationship with my XSO.

Nobody else out there interests me, so what the heck.

We do have a good time together and just like you, it is very relaxed.

I do regularly check OLD sites though.

She was back on one, but has not been on it for several weeks.

I need to move on, but just can't


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 9

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