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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Total disclosure
StuckinNJagain
♂ Member
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here and WW wants to R. Of course the first step is total disclosure of all details, web accts, texts etc. 1 of my main concerns after DDay #1 was her job and the freedom it allowed for her to make her own schedule and my only way to reach was via her cellphone.
So today, WW texts me her schedule and where she will be all day. She has been everything I couldve asked for since DDay #2. Obviously no intimacy as I can hardly look at her still let alone touch her as I still on the emotional roller coaster. Anyway, I reiterated that I really dont care at this point and told her the conditions that I need to have her meet before I will even think about R. So I tell her that a good first step would be the ID and possword for the website she joined and met AP on. Her reply was this "OK, I havent been on the site for 2 years and not sure I remember but will try to find it. I told you I was willing to disclose".
Not sure I should believe this or not because the timelime I have for their A is from around Nov/Dec 2012 until Jan 2014. What should I make of this? Thoughts???


BH-46 (me)
WS-44
DD-16
DS-12
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

November 2012 is two years in her mind, to a BS analytic mind, that was not two years ago.

If I don't write down a password, I might forget it next week if I don't get on the site often. If she finds it great. Ask her where she would have written it down and hidden it. That could jog her memory.

Does 2 DDay's mean two different affairs or a continuation.

I can understand how you feel, never really knowing if she is where she says she is.

For your peace of mind, you might look into getting a gps tracker. Many people use those to track their photos and trips. Go to Amazon and look for a GPS tracker.

They are small enough you can hide it in the truck of the car and then subscribe to a service and track where ever she goes on your computer.


Posts: 3904 | Registered: Jun 2002
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thought for GPS is her cellphone. If she ALWAYS has it with her and she is always using it. There are apps that use the internal GPS of the phone. We have iPhones. As long as locations services are on, and "Find my iPhone" is turned on, you need the app on your phone to track her. If she is willing full disclosure she should have a problem with this. Other tips - if the phone goes dormant,a txt to and back wakes up the app. If she doesn't respond, assume she isn't near the phone (or is in a meeting??) It is a less expensive alternative. I use it daily - although my WS doesn't know - and have caught him in several areas he shouldn't be. You can get a street view, and actually directions from where you are to their location.....


As far as what to make of her actions, I think she is avoiding your request. All sites have an option that if you forgot, you just request a reset using the email you set it up with. She isn't trying hard enough.

Remind her - Jan 2014 is just last month.... not two years ago.



BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
StuckinNJagain
♂ Member
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay # 2 is the second A that lasted over a year with OMM. I spoke with him and while very angry, needed to get his side. He did same to his BW and is hoping to R. He gave me the dates too. I told him I will be sending details to his BS as she deserves to know what I know too. He asked that I do it sooner rather than later so that they can heal and move on. While I really do feel for his BS, I really dont care and will do it on my timeline. To be honest, I dont want to be in a relationship if it means tracking movements. Trust is a big thing for me and I want to be with someone I trust fully. However, I know it may be a while before I can ever get to that point again after being burned again.

Jan 2014 is when when exposed. She stated that she hasnt used the acct since she met OM there 2 yrs ago. Again, not sure I believe this.

[This message edited by StuckinNJagain at 12:05 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


BH-46 (me)
WS-44
DD-16
DS-12
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she forgot her password, then just click on "Forgot Password" that is on every website that I've ever needed a password for. She should be able to reset it, regain access to the account, and close it.

Lame excuse IMO.

Edit:
On the GPS - my SBTX knew that I could track her phone via her Google account. I never checked during our separation, but she didn't know that. Looking back, I wish I would have. But, it wouldn't have mattered. Why? She wouldn't answer the phone if I called because "It was on silent". We all know that was a lie. But, what she was doing was actually leaving her personal phone where she was supposed to be, and then running off with the OM. I'm 99% sure I caught her doing this a few weeks when he was waiting for her in the driveway of the house she's been living in.

I guess my point is this: If you feel like you have to have GPS coordinates on your WW all the time, do you really want to live your life that way? Plus, if they know it's there, they'll find a way around it if they want to.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 12:14 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can get to the account first and delete stuff.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too forget passwords all the time. That said, it sounds like you are taking hte correct approach.

I strongly suggest:

1. It is too early to seriously know if you can R - as you said, you are still on the coaster. What you can do is try to reduce the drama in your life so you can spend the next 6 months healing. After you are healthier, you can start working on R (if that is what you want).

2. Set expectations - the next few years of your marriage will suck. It will take a long time for her to earn back your trust, it will take a long time for memories to fade and for wounds to heal. Marriages can get past this - but set both yours and her expectations - your marriage won't be anyfun for a long time.

You can do this - but there is no short cut to the good stuff

3. Read and understand the 180 rules - http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

4. Negotiate a time to heal. Let your WS know that you need the next 6 months to a year to be a time of no drama, no lies - a time when you both will try to be kind to each other even if love and affection are hard to find.

Good luck. It sucks that you have to be here, but keep posting and keep trying. It will get better.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2468 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Stuck

a marriage takes two.

You need your wayward wife to be honest. That is what you are really not getting.

After honesty she needs to show remorse.

Then she needs to be start acting like the woman who took vows with you.

Why not sit her down and ask her.

"Wife can you be 100% honest with me as well as yourself.

Wife can you show remorse towards me for the horrible decisions you have made.

Wife can you honor your vows?"

Your wife has issues. And she is mad at you for the wrong reasons.

If you two decided to reconcile but "you" have decided you cannot be open with her, support her, look at her let alone make love to her since the last affair then you have not forgiven her.

Forgiveness takes time. She has to earn it. But if you both agreed to reconciliation and then you two go and live like roommates then what do you think a person with low self esteem and poor boundaries is going to do???

That wayward person is going to continue to make hurtful, bad decisions that put you, your marriage and your family at risk.

The nonsense stops when you say it does.

So what do you say?

HM


Posts: 848 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
StuckinNJagain
♂ Member
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW got acct password sent. Site closed it due to non use so i think she was telling truth. She has given me access to everything ive asked for recently. Probably all i will have to go on since OM & OMBS wont talk to me. WW has stated she will answer any an all questions I have and she wants to help me heal. She is acknowledging that she is 100% at fault for A and wants to R if I want to in the future. I dont know what will happen in future and hope IC (start Saturday) will help me get past/ through the hurt and anger i feel towards her. We discussed telling kids and we will do it together. Mixed feelings about this personally. We are separated now for the next 6 months to a year . Explained that her ACTIONS during this time will tell me what i need to know about her intentions for future because her words means nothing at this point. Time will tell and hopefully heal some wounds along the way.


BH-46 (me)
WS-44
DD-16
DS-12
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
Topic Posts: 9

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